WHO KNEW?

People are funny, strange, and wondrous creatures! Just read on.

Hobbies

Estimates are that 400,000-500,000 people in the U.S,—more than 95% of them women—play Mah Jong with the National Mah Jong League card. Another 350,000,000 play thirteen versions of Mah Jong in Asia. Game experts have long recognized mah jong as the world’s most played game, with an estimated player base in Asia, Europe, and North American ten times bigger than poker. 

Who are the most optimistic pet owners in the U.S.? Tortoise owners, because tortoises can live 80-150 years! (I couldn’t find a number specifically for tortoise owners, but approximately 18% of American households keep tortoises or turtles as pets.)

Only 1-2% of the U.S. population has gone skydiving at least once.

Rock climbing? It depends on what type of climbing you are looking at. Women are 59% of sports climbers, but only 39% of those in mountaineering, ice, and traditional climbing combined. Then there is indoor vs. outdoor climbers, and boulderers, each of which have different gender makeups.

Among U.S. households, 52% have at least one person, age 5 or older, who is currently playing a musical instrument.  Two-thirds of Americans (66%) learned to play a musical instrument at some point in their lives.  The most popular musical instrument is the guitar.  The double bass is probably the least played instrument.

The average American spends only 19 minutes a day reading. The average number of books read by adults over the age of 65 is higher than any other age group, at around 20 books per year. Men tend to read non-fiction books more often than women.

Gender

Tiffany Hadish performing stand-up in 2013

Men tell more jokes professionally than women do. In the United States, 11.3% of stand up comedians are women and 88.7% of stand up comedians are men. Over an 11 year period, these percentages have shifted approximately 2% in favor of women. Systemic sexism in the industry (venue directors reluctant to book female comedians, backstage abuse, pay disparities, hostile crowds, etc.) are a bigger driver in this divide than any difference in innate funniness.

Being in love is biochemically the same as having a severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, according to researcher Dr. Donatella Marazziti.

Research on liking and loving between engaged couples found that the men loved their partners more than they liked them. The women both liked and loved their partners.

Equal numbers of males and females are conceived. Approximately 105 males are born for every 100 females.

Women survive famine and epidemics better than men. On the other hand, research has shown that women disproportionately suffer the impacts of disasters, severe weather events, and climate change.

One study found that men with longer ring fingers than index fingers had slightly longer penises. However, the common misconception that hand size predicts penis size has been widely discredited.

Research shows that women with larger breasts tend to have higher estrogen levels; breast size may therefore serve as an indicator of potential fertility.

Health

Approximately 60% of people are side sleepers. Only about 7% are stomach sleepers—which is fortunate, because stomach sleeping is the least healthful position.

Depth of sleep is related to brain waves. Convincing yourself you slept well can trick your brain into thinking it did.

A feel-good life is not necessarily a healthy one. Stress can be good for us. Stress is a powerful motivator. It can enhance your resilience and problem-solving skills, strengthen relationships, promote personal growth and self-improvement, and improve cognitive function.

Female pattern baldness affects about one-third of all women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB). The chances of getting female pattern baldness increase with age.

Caucasians experience the most hair loss; people of Afro-Caribbean heritage tend to experience the next highest levels of hair loss, with Asian men having the lowest hair loss rates.

On average, male pattern baldness begins in the late twenties to early thirties. By the age of 50, approximately 50% of men will experience some degree of hair loss.

For both men and women, pattern baldness tends to cluster in families. Having a close relative with patterned hair loss appears to be a risk factor for developing the condition.

Outlook

Nationally forty-seven percent of Americans are either very or somewhat optimistic, while the other 53 percent are more inclined to be somewhat or very pessimistic about the future.

Speaking in a foreign language might change your decisions or the reasons for those decisions.

In addition, speaking multiple languages gives a person a sense of reality and identity that is separate from monolinguals and monoculturals.

US research published in the Journal of Consumer Research indicates bilinguals may unconsciously switch personalities depending on the language they are using.

The type of music you listen to affects the way you perceive the world. According to results from a 2014 study done by Laura Getz and colleagues, those with a higher perceived idea of stress and those with higher optimism preferred more upbeat and popular music. Both also used this kind of music for emotional regulation.

Wisco and Nolen-Hoeksema (2009) found that those who were already unhappy had more negative memory associations [to songs] than those who were not unhappy.

90% of people text things they can’t say in person.

The food you make may not taste the same as the food someone else makes, despite following the same recipe. Minor differences in things like water hardness and oven temperature affect flavor, but the diner’s experience (happy or sad occasion, food presentation, level of hunger, speed of eating, etc.) also changes the taste of food.

Research indicates that those eating with others eat up to 48% more food than solo diners. This phenomenon is known as ‘social facilitation’.

People After Death

Barbara Kemmis, head of the Cremation Association of North America, says the cremation rate is almost 60 %, compared to 40% who opt for traditional casket burials.

Beyond urns, there are many options for ashes: made into jewelry, or different types of objects, such as  glass art, sculptures, diamonds, keychains, or hunting bullets. You can even turn your loved one’s ashes into a  vinyl album  or get them tattooed into your own skin.  Of course, many people choose to scatter cremains in special places. 

Bottom Line: Whatever you want to know about human behavior or characteristics, someone has studied it and shared those answers online.

BEACH READS 2024

Operational definition of beach reads: anything that’s read at the beach! Many of you know that I poll family members about their reading during our annual gathering at the beach. This year we were fourteen people, ages 15-93.

Actually, there was less reading than usual going on this year. One woman was submitting her thesis for a master’s degree in public health and another was job hunting. One man had two work-related zoom sessions. Two people had major cold symptoms, and one of those spiked a temperature a bit over 102—with weakness, sweats, and chills—and ended up in the ER from 11:00 p.m. to 4:00 a.m., with two others in attendance.

Nevertheless, without attribution, in no particular order, here is the list:

Bottom Line: I can’t speak for or against any of these, merely put them forth as books chosen by people I love.

Historical Mystery as a Peek at Past Life

Today’s guest blog was written by Kathleen Corcoran

History was one of my favorite subjects in school, mostly because I’m a very nosy person. I always wanted to know details of other people’s lives. What did samurai have for breakfast? How do Inuit living above the Arctic Circle stay warm? Where did Irish Druids camp? These questions, not battles and trade agreements, are the types of historical mystery that I want to know!

Fortunately, many historians share my nosiness (though they’d probably word it more professionally) and have written fascinating works of historical fiction to explore these tiny details. One of the best methods to explore the daily lives of a variety of people in the past is through mystery series. Over the course of solving a crime, an investigator typically must interact with a variety of people. And I get to read about all these interactions and be as nosy as I like!

These mystery series are some of my favorites for the amount of detail the authors have included and the way they’ve represented the tensions and different viewpoints of the time periods in their books.

Sister Fidelma by Peter Tremayne

While performing her legal duties in 7th Century Ireland, Sister Fidelma comes across an awful lot of crimes. In the course of her investigations, she travels widely through Ireland, England, and Rome, interacting with people in every profession and social class along the way. She also has a front-row seat for the seismic changes happening at the time in the Catholic Church, which I found easier to follow in fiction than in my history textbooks.

Perveen Mistry by Sujata Massey

One of the reasons I enjoy historical mystery series is that the person investigating typically has a reason to look into people and places the reader might not otherwise know about. In the case of Perveen Mistry, social convention dictates that she is the only one who can talk to the people involved in the cases she solves. Along the way, the reader can learn about daily life, religious strictures, and legal tensions in 1920s India.

The Alienist by Caleb Carr

In addition to recreating the atmosphere of New York City in 1896, Caleb Carr walks the reader through the early days of forensic psychology. This historical mystery series focuses on the evolution of psychology as a science and the use of forensic science as a tool for the police. The beginnings of the modern police force, cameos by real figures from history, and juxtaposition of New York’s gilded mansions and slums evoke the atmosphere of the time.

Charlotte & Thomas Pitt by Anne Perry

Murder mysteries set in Victorian London are nothing new, but I particularly like the way these books explore middle-class attitudes toward police and respectability. In solving his cases, Inspector Pitt frequently comes up against butlers and ladies of the house who simply refuse to cooperate. After all, detectives ask so many rude questions and behave quite above their station! It’s a good thing Inspector Pitt can rely on his wife Charlotte to help him navigate the minefield of social sensibilities.

The Tay-Bodal Mysteries by Mardi Oakley Medawar

The first book in this historical mystery series takes place in 1866, among a gathering of the bands of the Kiowa nation. While Tay-Bodal goes about the business of solving a murder, the author includes descriptions of people around him preparing food, discussing treaty negotiations, repairing clothing and equipment, and going about their daily routines. These books have so much detail about the time period, but they also make it much easier to follow historical events occurring and their impacts on the people involved.

Sano Ichiro by Laura Joh Rowland

In feudal Japan, Sano Ichiro must dance cautiously around court politics, rigid social hierarchies, and a million unwritten rules of behavior to find justice. His investigations are set against a backdrop of major events in Japanese history, including the 1703 earthquake in Edo and the tale of the 47 Ronin.

Lt Billy Boyle by James R Benn

Even in the middle of a global war, someone still needs to bring murderers to justice. When the Army higher-ups find out about newly-enlisted Billy Boyle’s background as a detective in Boston, they put him to work tracking down people who commit murder in times of war. He visits just about every European conflict in World War II, giving the reader a look into the world of French partisans, the Irish Republican Army, and the Sicilian Mafia in the 1940s.

Li Du by Elsa Hart

China has an astonishing variety of climates, cultures, languages, and history. Li Du, an Imperial librarian in the early 18th Century, experiences many of them while investigating mysteries. Sometimes, he works on behalf of the Emperor, and sometimes he works despite Imperial wishes. His questions take him into a Tibetan guesthouse, the underbelly of civil service exams, and behind the scenes of negotiations with Jesuit missionaries.

Benjamin January by Barbara Hambly

Set in the 1830s in New Orleans, this historical mystery series highlights all the ways that city have changed and how it’s stayed the same. Benjamin January, a Creole physician, deals with the complexities of a pre-Emancipation city, moving through many layers of society while tracking down miscreants and murderers. The reader meets voudon practitioners, fancy hotel patrons, and riverboat smugglers among details of music and food that bring New Orleans to life.

The Hangman’s Daughter (Die Henkerstochter) by Oliver Pötzsch

This series starts out on a very small scale, set entirely within a small Bavarian village in 1659, just after the Thirty Years’ War. As the sequels progress, the author takes the reader through all of Bavaria, weaving discussions of folklore and politics with the history of the region.

Three Imperial Roman Detectives

Marcus Didius Falco (by Lindsey Davis) works as a private investigator of sorts, looking into crimes without the official backing of the state. One of the most interesting things I found in this series is the discussions of the various forms of Roman law enforcement and jurisdiction. There is also a spin-off series of mysteries starring Marcus Didius Falco’s daughter, allowing the reader to see some of the other side of the gender divide in Roman society.

Gaius Petreus Ruso (by Ruth Downie) is a Roman army doctor (a medicus) posted to the far northern reaches of the Empire, in Britannia. While he solves crimes, the reader sees a wide swath of Imperial Roman society, with plenty of details about the local tribes in what is Chester, England today and their uneasy truce with the Romans.

Libertus (by Rosemary Rowe) has earned his freedom from slavery by the time the first novel in this series opens. However, this backstory allows the author to explore the intricacies of Roman practices of slavery and social hierarchies through Libertus’s detective work.

Edie Kiglatuk by MJ McGarth

This isn’t actually a historical mystery series, but the setting and details are so fascinating that I’m including it here. Edie Kiglatuk is an Inuit guide, schoolteacher, and sometimes hunter on a tiny island far north of the Arctic Circle. She investigates crimes in her community while dealing with settlement politics, historical trauma, and some of the most inhospitable terrain humans manage to survive. In later books in the series, she visits other communities in the far north of Russia and Greenland, and the reader gets a glimpse of the cultural similarities of communities separated by so much distance.

IMAGINE CREATIVITY!

Have you ever stopped to consider the difference between creativity and imagination? Clearly, the two are linked, but how do they affect each other?

The authors at the Discover Building Sets blog explain the relationship between imagination and creativity this way: “Creativity is commonly referred to as the ability to create something real using imagination. Whereas imagination is the capability to create in one’s own mind what does not exist. The imagination come first and is necessary for creativity but not the other way around.

Oxford Languages defines imagination as the faculty or action of forming new ideas, or images or concepts of external objects not present to the senses. And creativity is the use of the imagination or original ideas, especially in the production of an artistic work.

“Life in the Minds of Children”
Mehdinom

Highly Creative People

The obvious question is, who’s the most creative of them all?

Determining the most creative person ever is highly subjective but there have been lots of people who have made groundbreaking contributions in various fields, demonstrating exceptional creativity. Quoting Kriti Roy (writing at Quora), some people often mentioned for their creativity include:

  • Leonardo da Vinci: Leonardo da Vinci is renowned for his extraordinary artistic skills, scientific explorations, and inventive mind. His diverse talents and imaginative thinking exemplify creativity across multiple disciplines.
  • Pablo Picasso: Picasso’s innovative and influential approach to art, particularly through his development of Cubism, challenged traditional artistic conventions and expanded the boundaries of visual expression.
  • Marie Curie: Marie Curie’s pioneering work in radioactivity and her groundbreaking discoveries in physics and chemistry demonstrate her innovative and creative approach to scientific research.
  • Albert Einstein: Einstein’s revolutionary theories in physics, including the theory of relativity, transformed our understanding of the universe. His ability to think beyond conventional boundaries and imagine new possibilities exemplifies creative thinking.
  • William Shakespeare: Shakespeare’s literary works, such as his plays and sonnets, showcase his exceptional storytelling abilities, linguistic creativity, and profound insights into human nature.

These are just a few examples, and there are many other individuals throughout history who have made significant creative contributions in their respective fields.

It’s important to note that creativity can manifest in various domains, including arts, sciences, literature, philosophy, and more. Each person’s creativity is unique and shaped by their context, cultural influences, and personal experiences. Defining the “most creative” person ultimately depends on individual perspectives and the specific criteria used to evaluate creativity.

Traits of Creative People

Here are twelve traits that creative people possess and use in their daily lives, as discussed at indeed.com:

  • Curious
  • Playful
  • Open-minded
  • Flexible
  • Sensitive
  • Independent
  • Risk-taking
  • Intuitive
  • Thorough
  • Ambitious
  • Objective
  • Energetic

Creative Personality Traits often appear in apparently opposite personality types.

  • Introverts and Extroverts
  • Intuitive and Observant Personalities
  • Feeling and Thinking Personalities
  • Prospecting and Judging Personalities
  • Assertive and Turbulent Personalities

In short, by my reading, any personality type can be creative, though not always by the same means.

“Creative people like to daydream and imagine the possibilities and wonders of the world. They can immerse themselves in imagination and fantasy, yet remain grounded enough to turn their daydreams into reality. They are often described as dreamers, but that doesn’t mean that they live with their heads in the clouds.”

Kendra Cherry, MSEd, from Very Well Mind

Downside to Imagination

Although imagination is necessary for creativity, not all imagining is productive. An individual with an overactive imagination is one whose tendency to focus on their fantasies is so frequent and central to their waking hours, as to distract them from actually working toward achieving their own goals, or developing real-life, fulfilling relationships.

There is a strong overlap between imagined and hallucinatory phenomena in the sense that both are internal representations of external things that are not present at the time.

Some people actually develop fantasy-prone personalities. Cases of FPP have a harder time distinguishing between external reality and their own, internal fantasies. They have also been found to be more easily hypnotized than the general population.

The ability to imagine—and then dwell on—things that are not actually happening can contribute to mental health problems such as anxiety and delusions.

But imagination can also play a powerful role in healing. Guided imagery can be used to help with pain, sleep, nausea, anxiety, anger and fatigue.

Bottom Line: As far as I can determine, there is no downside to creativity, whereas imagination is a two-
edged sword.

MY ANNUAL FAMILY BEACH READS BLOG

As many of you know, my definition of a beach read is anything that is read while at the beach. So here we go, reads from my family beach week. This year we were twelve, ages 14-92. (For favorites of younger readers, see the latter part of this blog.)

Although a lot of required reading happened for an online master’s program in public health, I’ll spare you that list.

Without further ado, here are the pleasure reads, with comments when any were made. These fall into two categories: Brought Here and Found Here.

Brought Here

Found Here

For the Younger Crowd

Because my family isn’t getting any younger, I reached out to a friend for what her young relatives (ages 1 to 7) are enjoying. There’s been a bit of a theme all summer, even before they went to the beach!

Beach read
Beach read

Bottom Line: “Beach read” could mean any books read at the beach or books to prepare to go to the beach!

YOUR TOXIC ENVIRONMENT

Not the air you breathe, not the water you drink, not asbestos in your house or lead based paint. I’m talking about toxic people in your life! As part of Mental Health Awareness Month, let’s talk a bit about how to recognize the toxic people in your life and what to do about them.

Toxic People

A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Lillian Glass first used the term in her 1995 book Toxic People: 10 Ways of Dealing With People Who Make You Miserable.

I’m not the first to recognize the threat toxic people pose to one’s well-being. Clinical psychologists and other counselors frequently see people struggling with toxic people in their lives. And there are a ton of self-help books out there.

In 2018 Oxford Dictionaries named “toxic” as its Word of the Year, citing a 45% increase in look-ups of the word and an expansion in the scope of its application.

Toxic people are more common than you may think.

Researchers suggest that toxic people represent possibly 5-10% of the population and maybe cause 95% of the damage to humans. Toxic friendships are all too common: 84% of women and 75% of men report having a toxic friend at some point.

A 2015 study suggests that, though men and women may display toxic personality traits differently, toxic personality shows up equally across the entire population.

Identifying Toxic People

Your own gut reaction to toxic people will likely warn you to limit interactions with them. From WebMD, here are some warning signs that you’re dealing with a toxic person:

  • You feel like you’re being manipulated into something you don’t want to do.
  • You’re constantly confused by the person’s behavior.
  • You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes.
  • You always have to defend yourself to this person.
  • You never feel fully comfortable around them.
  • You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence.
  • You consistently dread spending time in this person’s company.

Just like there are signs you’re around a toxic person because of how the person makes you feel, there are signs you might see in toxic people themselves that highlight their toxicity.

The most common signs include:

  • Toxic people are often controlling, wanting his/her way in matters large and small. They often say, “You should….”
  • They are unwilling to compromise, even on seemingly minor issues.
  • Toxic people are typically highly critical.
  • Their mood toward you seems to run hot and cold, i.e., they are inconsistent.
  • Their “wounded ego” constantly needs bolstering.
  • Toxic people are often narcissistic, focusing mostly on themselves.
  • They tend to exaggerate.
  • They are preoccupied with projecting an idealized image, whether that’s of a perfect family, a benevolent philanthropist, or simple physical attractiveness.
  • They have a negative attitude about other people and about life in general.
  • They often abuse alcohol or other substances.
  • They don’t respect the boundaries of others, sometimes physically, more often psychologically; i.e., making plans on others’ behalf, not keeping secrets, bringing up hurtful topics.
  • They expect others to “know” or guess what they need without actually asking for it (and then take offense when those needs are not met).
  • They’ll use non-toxic words but in a toxic tone of voice.
  • They will never admit to their own wrong-doing.
  • Through all their stories, they are always the victim.
  • They’re judgmental and not afraid to share.

So How Do These People Get into Your Life?

  • Friend by History:
    • This is a person whom you have known forever.
      • Maybe you went to elementary school together, or you were neighbors growing up.
    • Now you feel guilty ending the relationship.
  • Friend by Proximity:
    • This is a person who comes as a package with someone else in your life.
      • Maybe it’s your partner’s best friend, or your friend’s brother who always tags along, or your best friend’s childhood friend.
    • You feel guilty because you don’t want to put “your” person in an awkward situation.
  • Friend by Context:
    • This is a person who you see all the time in a specific area of your life
      • Someone you work with everyday, maybe someone on your flag football team or someone who lives across the hall, perhaps someone in your bridge group.
    • You feel guilty brushing them off because you see them all the dang time.

How Toxic People Negatively Impact You?

The negative effect toxic people can have on those around them goes both deep and far. And it’s not just personal: a toxic employee or manager can negatively impact their entire business.

  • As Babita Spinelli, L.P., J.D. explains, toxic people will find ways to blame you for everything, control you, suffocate you, and invalidate you, which can lead you to abandon yourself.
  • When a toxic person has a hold on you, you’ll find yourself accommodating them, making poor choices, and getting caught in drama. This all leads to an overall diminishing of self-esteem and self-worth, and even anxiety and depression, says Spinelli.
  • A more insidious effect of toxic people is that they’re energy vampires, meaning they seem to drain the very life out of people around them just with their presence. “They cause you a lot of distress that you may even justify because you can’t understand why it’s affecting you so badly,” Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy notes, adding that toxic people will often make you question your reality.
  • Children with toxic parents can develop a variety of mental traumas as they grow up, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, hypochondria, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorders.
  • Children surrounded by toxic adults may grow up to be toxic adults themselves.
  • Teachers with toxic personalities can harm students’ academic performance, interest in school, and self-esteem.
  • Toxic employees can cost a company revenue and hurt an organization’s reputation both with customers and within an industry.
  • Toxic bosses decrease employee productivity, increase employee absenteeism and turnover, and have an overall negative impact on the entire organization where they work.

Are You a Toxic Person?

Could you be a toxic person? Take this quick test from Truity:

It is simply a fact that I am smarter than the average person.

InaccurateAccurate
12345

People who want to get close to me need to understand that I have strong emotions and that I must be true to myself.

InaccurateAccurate
12345

Most people spend too much time and energy trying to achieve goals that don’t really matter.

InaccurateAccurate
12345

Everyone lies—I’m just better at it than most.

InaccurateAccurate
12345

The best way to avoid being disappointed is to expect the worst.

InaccurateAccurate
12345

I often have to push people to do things in a way that meets my high standards.

InaccurateAccurate
12345

I do not like to be treated like one of the crowd.

InaccurateAccurate
12345

If any of this sounds like you, don’t despair! Most people do not have a permanent, entrenched personality disorder; they may be simply going through particularly toxic phases. The first step to fixing a problem is generally admitting that the problem exists. Deliberate efforts on your part to shift your perspective and your responses to those around you can help you break toxic patterns of behavior.

As Hannah Baer writes, “Research demonstrates that believing others have fixed traits which don’t change (including, say, “toxic” personality pathology) yields defensiveness, failure to listen, and failure to set boundaries (because what good can it do if they can’t change?).”

On the other hand, you might recognize someone you know in this quiz. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don’t present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way. Or maybe it’s just the alcohol! But you are not the therapist for such family members, friends, coworkers, neighbors… Attend to your own well-being first.

How to Deal with Toxic People

Paracelsus, a 16th century Swiss physician and philosopher, famously said, “Dosis sola facit venenum (Only the dose makes the poison).” Though his claim that poisons can cause harm only if ingested in a high enough concentration may not be entirely true for toxic chemicals, it is a good guiding principle when dealing with toxic people.

There is a chance that the person is not genuinely toxic and is just reacting to particularly high levels of stress in their own life. In this case, you might be able to bring their toxic behavior to light, leading them to change on their own.

  • Confront the person about the toxic behavior. This is best done in a calm, non-argumentative way. For example, “When you do/say X, I feel Y.”
  • In the case of someone you’ve known for a while, ask yourself if their behavior has always been problematic or if it has become more toxic over time. If the person has become more toxic, you may be able to have a discussion about what has changed, when it changed, and whether it might change back.
  • Discuss the negative behavior you’ve noticed, including specifics.
  • Often, a person displays toxic behavior in response to power imbalances in a relationship, such as a work supervisor or a parent. In such cases, addressing the unequal power in the relationship might remove the trigger for toxic behavior.

If you realize that you are unlikely to cause a genuinely toxic person to change their personality in any fundamental way, your best option may be to minimize your “dose” of exposure.

  • Set and enforce clear boundaries.
  • Spend as little time as possible with the person.
  • Change the subject when they bring up problematic conversation topics.
  • Limit conversation to relevant topics. For example, only talk to a toxic coworker about work-related topics. With a problematic bridge partner, only discuss future bridge games or strategies.
  • Leave yourself options for escaping bad encounters if necessary.
  • If your boundaries aren’t respected, follow through with concrete actions, including breaking off contact.

It may be best to break off all contact with a toxic person, preserving your own sanity and peace of mind.

  • Stop all meet-ups, phone calls, messages, social media connections, etc.
  • Avoid reminiscing about the “good times” or reliving painful memories.
  • Don’t give in to the urge to look them up online or ask mutual acquaintances about them.
  • Focus on personal healing and self-care.
  • Maintain healthy and supportive relationships with others.

Bottom Line: Purge your life of toxic people. You know who they are!

IF IT CAN GO WRONG, IT CAN GET WORSE

A pessimist tends to see the worst aspect of things, to believe that the worst will happen, often accompanied by a lack of hope or confidence in the future. Sometimes I think watching the news is enough to make anyone pessimistic—and the more we watch, the more hopeless everything seems!

But then, again, everyone is different.

A pessimist knows this to be true in their soul.

What’s So Bad About Pessimism? Let Us Count the Ways!

One article at BetterHelp discusses five ways pessimism can harm you—and here they are.

  • A Pessimistic Attitude Can Hurt Relationships. Pessimists often have a hard time trusting other people. They assume the worst in others, sometimes making unfair accusations. They usually expect a relationship to fail, so planning a future together seems pointless.
  • Pessimism Can Hurt Physical Health. The mind/body connection is well established in science. In the case of pessimists, their behaviors often don’t support good health. “For example, studies have found that pessimistic people are less likely to diet, exercise, or see a doctor when they need. They are also more likely to smoke.”
  • A Pessimistic Mentality Can Hurt Your Career. Pessimistic people are more likely to give up when they encounter a difficult situation at work, are less likely to learn valuable lessons from their mistakes at work, and are more likely to create unwanted workforce drama.
  • Pessimism Affects Self-Esteem And Confidence. It seems to me that the connection here is obvious and needs no elaboration.
  • Pessimism Is Harmful To Mental Health. Although, technically, it isn’t a mental health disorder, pessimistic thoughts can closely mimic symptoms of some disorders. Pessimistic thoughts and emotions—such as anxiety, worry, anger, rage, or depression—cause the pessimist to suffer.

A study published in 2020 found that people who are strongly pessimistic about the future are at greater risk of dying earlier than those who are not pessimists, on average two years earlier—but contrary to previous studies, being an optimist didn’t extend life expectancy.

Another study found that the most pessimistic people are 21.8 percent less happy than realists.

Symptoms of a Pessimist

Although not a mental illness, pessimism (having a generally negative view of life and the world around them) is a personality trait—that is, it endures. The following list of ways to determine whether you are a pessimist comes from VeryWellMind. Clearly, you can also use these “symptoms” to identify pessimists around you.

  • You feel surprised when things actually work out.
  • You don’t go after what you want because you think you will probably fail.
  • You tend to focus on what can go wrong in a situation.
  • You think that the risks almost always outweigh the benefits.
  • You experience imposter syndrome and undervalue your abilities.
  • You tend to concentrate on your flaws or weaknesses rather than your strengths.
  • You often feel annoyed by people who have an optimistic demeanor.
  • You often engage in negative self-talk.
  • You assume that all good things will eventually come to an end.
  • You find it easier to live with the status quo than change things for the better.

And bad news for smart people: intelligent people tend to be more aware of situational complexities and so are more likely to worry and/or be pessimistic. As philosopher Antonio Gramsci said, “I’m a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will.”

On the Other Hand: The Up Side of Pessimism

The pessimistic realization that not everything is moving in the right direction helps one rationalize the personal shortcomings we all have. Realizing that things outside one’s control could be the cause of problems is a comforting feeling, so people are attracted to it.

A true pessimist is never without a full hazmat suit.

Pessimists are often better prepared for tough times and may avoid risks that more optimistic thinkers might take.

Research has shown that pessimists tend to foresee obstacles more readily because they expect things to go wrong, meaning that they are more likely to plan for difficulties.

Pessimism can actually be a positive thing when it helps identify — or even anticipate — problems at work.

Also, being pessimistic can be helpful in that one won’t feel shocked when challenges arise; rather, they will be expected and can be prepared for.

A pessimist is a good choice for a leader when making financial forecasts in a challenging season. Any leader who has led through tough times will tell you the first step to stop the bleeding is by taking a worst-case scenario approach to budgeting.

One sort-of-related study found that while most successful entrepreneurs will call themselves optimists, optimistic entrepreneurs earn 30% less than pessimistic ones on average.

Defensive pessimism is considered a coping technique used by individuals who set low expectations for situations regardless of prior success. These negative expectations are used to alleviate anxiety about situations by motivating them to plan ways to avoid the chances of poor outcomes. Essentially, defensive pessimists expect and plan for the worst case scenario as a means to avoid it. And it works.

Advantages of Defensive Pessimism

  • Increased levels of self-esteem
  • More satisfaction
  • Better academic performance
  • More support
  • Better progress towards their goals

Optimism is considered by many to be the opposite of pessimism. And although there are some benefits to pessimism, I don’t recommend it as a life choice.

  • Optimists experience less distress than pessimists when dealing with difficulties in their lives.
  • Optimists suffer much less anxiety and depression.
  • Optimists adapt better to negative events (including coronary artery bypass surgery, breast cancer, abortion, bone marrow transplantation and AIDS).

(Watch this space for an upcoming blog on optimism!)

Bottom Line: Be aware of pessimistic tendencies and assess their helpfulness in a given situation.

THE MATING GRADIENT

Overall, husbands in heterosexual marriages tend to be older, taller, better educated, and financially better off than their wives. This is the mating gradient: in mate selection, women marry up and men marry down. This pattern is socially and culturally approved to such an extent that often this configuration is perceived as what mates “should” be.

Anti-suffragist political cartoons often played on this perception by depicting caricatures of female voters who were physically larger and more prosperous than their husbands.

What Women (and Men) Want

Sometimes it helps to lower expectations

Traditionally, members of couples are similar in age, race, class, appearance, and education. But within that common background, men tend to marry women slightly below themselves, per the marriage gradient discussed above. To determine the extent to which students were comfortable with unequal relationships, and with traditional and untraditional inequalities, 277 predominantly white, middle and upper middle class students (140 male, 137 female), between the ages of 18-23, completed an attitude questionnaire. Two hypothetical situations were presented, one in which the “spouse” was older, taller, more intelligent and richer, and a second scenario in which the “spouse” was younger, shorter, less intelligent, etc. Students rated their degree of comfort with each hypothetical spouse on a Likert-type scale and then explained their ratings. An analysis of the results showed that students were most comfortable with the traditional inequalities of the mating gradient. College men wanted women who were shorter and better looking than themselves; however, they also wanted similarity in earnings, intelligence, age, and education. Women wanted spouses who earned more, were older, better educated, and taller. (V. P. Makosky and B. K. Sholley, 1983)

When I conducted that research forty years ago, I thought that the mating gradient would be less powerful than it had been in the 1950s—but it wasn’t. And as best I can determine, it’s alive and well today.

Some maintain that the mating gradient is derived from biology: men are attracted to women who can bear their children, and women are attracted to men who can provide for them and their children.

Historically, the husband’s status determined the family’s status. And family wealth often passed to male heirs. Primogeniture laws in England required that noble titles (and sometimes estates) could only pass to male heirs, a state of affairs that caused great consternation for the Bennet sisters in Pride and Prejudice.

The growing popularity of online dating has reflected the continuation of these trends. Researchers have demonstrated that, although everyone (53% of US respondents and 44% of British respondents) seems to lie on the their dating profiles, men and women lie about different things. Women often list their age as younger, often going so far as to post heavily manipulated photos or photos of themselves when they were younger. Men are more likely to present themselves as taller, better educated, and wealthier than reality. Everyone lies about their weight or level of physical fitness.

Effects on Women

So, it may seem that women gain greater benefits from marriage than men do. But do they really?

An article in a 1938 issue of Parade offered women tips for convincing a man to propose marriage, mostly centered around being meek and mysterious.

This prescribed pattern for husbands and wives carries profound implications at a societal level. For example, higher status females have difficultly finding males of even higher status and lower status males have difficulty finding females of even lower status, as deemed suitable by the mating gradient. Times are changing, but it is still the case that the “best” women at the top of the gradient are likely to produce fewer children.

The actor Leonardo DiCaprio is notorious (and widely mocked) for dating women increasingly younger than himself. Perhaps the availability index no longer applies to multi-millionaire movie stars.
(image by Sarah Lerner)

Although changes in fertility and in mortality are contributing factors, the ubiquitous norm that husbands should be older than their wives is paramount. This mating gradient is the most significant determinant of the competition for mates as it is experienced by older unmarried women compared with older unmarried men. Some app creators have capitalized on this state by marketing online dating apps specifically tailored to older people.

Jean E. Veevers created “availability indices” to estimate the number of unmarried persons of the opposite sex potentially available for every 100 unmarried persons. For men, availability indices are low in the 20s, and they increase with advancing age to about one-to-one in their 50s. For women, access to potential grooms is highest in the 20s and decreases with advancing age until, in their 50s, there are only 50 potential grooms per 100 unmarried women. (The “Real” Marriage Squeeze: Mate Selection, Mortality, and the Mating Gradient, Jean E. Veevers, University of Victoria.)

Effects on Society

Where does ketchup fall on the mating gradient?

Consider the implications for women’s mental health of always being the lesser partner. Who makes decisions for the family? Whose job/work/profession takes precedence? Who has the power? At least historically, some states had laws concerning the right of domicile, such that if a wife refused to relocate with her husband, he could divorce her on grounds of desertion.

Consider the implications for men. How can a man respect his wife? Can he trust her to problem solve? To handle finances, car repair, etc., as he ages? What happens to that dynamic in the face of developing illness or disability?

Women have a significantly higher frequency of depression and anxiety in adulthood, while men have a higher prevalence of substance use disorders and antisocial behaviors. In my opinion, the roles that accompany the mating gradient contribute to these mental heath issues.

Women are more likely to internalize emotions, which typically results in withdrawal, loneliness, and depression. Men are more likely to externalize emotions, leading to aggressive, impulsive, coercive, and non-compliant behavior.

Gender inequality has a significant impact on mental health for men and women. Women and persons of marginalized genders exhibit higher levels of stress, anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Bottom Line: In my opinion, each partner should be “superior” on some but not all of the mating gradient factors.

BLACK WRITERS IN THE UNITED STATES

Who comes to mind? Chances are it’s such Pulitzer Prize winners as fiction writers Alice Walker, Toni Morrison, and Colson Whitehead.

“From the first African-American Pulitzer winner — Gwendolyn Brooks in 1950 — to more recent winners such as Tyehimba Jess, Lynn Nottage and Colson Whitehead, these writers’ creative interpretations of black life are rooted in research and history.” (pulitzer.org)

Since that 1950 first, there have been six African American Pulitzer Prize winners in poetry (including Tracy K. Smith, the Poet Laureate of the U.S. from 2017 to 2019), four in drama, and a special citation for Alex Haley, author of Roots.

So far, the only Black American to win a Nobel Prize in literature is Toni Morrison, in 1993.

These recent accolades have grown from deep historical roots.

Early Examples of Poetry and Fiction

Lucy Terry Prince, often credited as simply Lucy Terry (1733–1821), was an American settler and poet. As an infant, she was kidnapped in Africa and sold into slavery in the colony of Rhode Island. Obijah Prince, her future husband purchased her freedom before their marriage in 1756. She composed a ballad poem, “Bars Fight”, about a 1746 altercation between white settlers and the native Pocomtuc. This poem was preserved orally until being published in 1855. It is considered the oldest known work of literature by an African American.

Another early African-American author was Jupiter Hammon (1711–c1806), enslaved as a domestic servant in Queens, New York. Hammon, considered the first published Black writer in America, printed his poem “An Evening Thought: Salvation by Christ with Penitential Cries” as a broadside in early 1761. His speech An Address to the Negroes in the State of New York” (1787) may be the first oration by an African American speaker that was later published. In 1778 he wrote an ode to Phillis Wheatley, in which he discussed their shared humanity and common bonds.

The poet Phillis Wheatley (c. 1753–1784) published her book Poems on Various Subjects, Religious and Moral in 1773.  This first book aimed to prove that “Negros, Black as Cain,” were not inherently inferior to whites in matters of the spirit and thus could “join th’ angelic train” as spiritual equals to whites. Her mastery of a wide range of classical poetic genres, Greek and Latin classics, history, British literature, and theology proved that claims that only Europeans were capable of intelligence and artistic creation were patently false. Members of the Abolitionist movement embraced Wheatley’s literary prowess, which combined elements from many genres of poetry with Gambian elegiac forms and religious themes to create work that was read and shared by people on both sides of the Atlantic. In addition to being the the first African American to publish a book, Wheatley was the first to achieve an international reputation as a writer. Selina Hastings, the Countess of Huntington, was so impressed by Phillis Wheatley’s skill that she gave the financial support to publish Wheatley’s book in London.

Victor Séjour (1817–74) wrote “The Mulatto” (1837), the first published work of fiction known to have an African American author.  Juan Victor Séjour Marcou et Ferrand was an American Creole of color and expatriate writer. Born free in New Orleans, he spent most of his career in Paris and published his fiction and plays in French. “The Mulatto” did not appear in English until the Norton Anthology of African American Literature was published in 1997.

In 1853 William Wells Brown, an internationally known fugitive slave narrator, authored the first Black American novel, Clotel; or, The President’s Daughter (1853). The story centers around two mixed-race women fathered by Thomas Jefferson and held in slavery in Monticello. Like Phillis Wheatley’s poetry, Brown’s book was first published in London. Inspired by the success of Frederick Douglass’s work, Brown published Narrative of William W. Brown, a Fugitive Slave, Written by Himself in 1845, detailing his early life in Missouri and his escape from slavery. In 1858, he wrote The Escape, the first play written by an African American author to be published in America.

Frank J. Webb’s 1857 novel The Garies and Their Friends, was also published in England, with prefaces by Harriet Beecher Stowe and Henry, Lord Brougham (Lord High Chancellor of England). It was the first work of fiction by an African-American author to portray passing, a mixed-race person deciding to identify as white rather than black. It also explored northern racism, in the context of a brutally realistic race riot closely resembling the Philadelphia race riots of 1834 and 1835. Webb published his novel in London, where he and his wife lived between 1856 and 1857.

In 1859—still pre-Civil War—Harriet E. Adams Wilson wrote the first novel by a Black person that was published in the United States, in Boston. She claimed to have written the book with the sole purpose of earning enough money to survive. Our Nig; or Sketches from the Life of a Free Black, In a Two-Story White House North, Showing that Slavery’s Shadow Falls Even Therewas largely autobiographical, and most of what scholars know about “Hattie” Wilson is derived from her novel. The story of Our Nig centers around a mixed-race woman in New England, discussing the racism and abuse that went on even in the nominally free states of the North. The publishing world largely assumed her novel to have been written by a white author until scholarship by Henry Louis Gates, Jr proved the author to have been an African American woman.

Original Manuscript of The Bondswoman’s Narrative

A recently discovered work of early African-American literature is The Bondwoman’s Narrative, which was written by Hannah Crafts between 1853 and 1860. Crafts was born into slavery in Murfreesboro, North Carolina in the 1830s but escaped to New York around 1857. Her book has elements of both the slave narrative and a sentimental novel.  If her work was written in 1853, it would be the first African-American novel written in the United States. The Bondwoman’s Narrative also has the distinction of being the only novel entirely untouched by white editors, presenting the author’s thoughts without being filtered to be palatable to a white audience. The novel was published in 2002.

Autobiographies

Sojourner Truth

Early African-American spiritual autobiographies were published in the late 18th and early 19th centuries, preceding the slave narratives. I won’t delve into those here, except to say that authors of such narratives include James Albert Ukawsaw GronniosawJohn Marrant, George WhiteZilpha Law, Maria W. Stewart, Jarena Lee, Nancy Gardner Prince, and Sojourner Truth.

According to Wikipedia, “The slave narratives were integral to African-American literature. Some 6,000 former slaves from North America and the Caribbean wrote accounts of their lives, with about 150 of these published as separate books or pamphlets. Slave narratives can be broadly categorized into three distinct forms: tales of religious redemption, tales to inspire the abolitionist struggle, and tales of progress. The tales written to inspire the abolitionist struggle are the most famous because they tend to have a strong autobiographical motif. Many of them are now recognized as the most literary of all 19th-century writings by African Americans.”

Frances W. Harper

Frances E. W. Harper (1825–1911), born free in Baltimore, Maryland, wrote four novels, several volumes of poetry, and numerous stories, poems, essays and letters.  She was an abolitionist, suffragist, co-founder of the National Association of Colored Women’s Clubs, and the first African American woman to publish a short story. She was also the first woman instructor at Union Seminary in Ohio. Her book Poems on Miscellaneous Subjectsselfpublished in Philadelphia in1854sold more than 10,000 copies within three years. 

Harriet Jacobs (1813 or 1815 – March 7, 1897), born into slavery in Edenton, North Carolina, was the only woman known to have left writing that documents that enslavement. Her autobiography, Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, written by Herself, published in 1861 under the pseudonym Linda Brent, is now considered an “American classic”. For most of the twentieth century, critics thought her autobiography was a fictional novel written by a white author. Jacobs’ autobiography is one of the only works of that time to discuss the sexual oppression of slavery, which led many publishing companies to refuse her manuscript; she finally purchased the plates and had the book printed “for the author” by a printing firm in Boston.

Other African-American writers also rose to prominence in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.  

After the Civil War

Booker T. Washington

One of the most influential authors of this period is Booker T. Washington (1856–1915).  Among his published essays, lectures, and memoirs are Up From Slavery (1901), The Future of the American Negro (1899), Tuskegee and Its People (1905), and My Larger Education (1911). Booker Taliaferrro (he adopted the surname Washington later in life) was born into slavery in Virginia and attended school while working in a coal mine, eventually graduating from Hampton Normal and Agricultural Institute. He was the founder and first president of Tuskegee Normal and Industrial Institute (now Tuskegee University). Advisor to may presidents, he is the first African American to appear on a U.S. postage stamp, or to be invited to dine at the White House.

W. E. B. Du Bois (1868–1963), in addition to being one of the most prominent post-slavery writers, was also a sociologist, socialist, lecturer, historian, and civil rights activist.  In 1903 he published an influential collection of essays entitled The Souls of Black Folk in which he wrote, “The problem of the twentieth century is the problem of the color-line.” He drew from his personal experience growing up in rural Georgia to describe how African Americans lived within American society. William Edward Burghardt Du Bois completed graduate work at the Friedrich Wilhelm University (Berlin, Germany) and earned a doctorate in philosophy from Harvard University. Du Bois was one of the original founders of the NAACP in 1910.

The Norton Anthology of American Literature (Fourth Edition, Volume 1) spanning the colonial period to the Civil War, includes biographical information and samples of the works by Phillis Wheatley, Harriet Jacobs, and Frederick Douglass. Volume 2, which surveys the years since the Civil War  includes biographical information and writing samples from Washington and Du Bois, as well as more than a dozen other Black U. S. writers.

Bottom line: There’s much more to writing by Black Americans than the big name fiction writers (great as they are)!

SECRETS!

Elephant Secrets
secrets

The word “secret” implies scandalous, illegal, or at least embarrassing. Actually, it could be anything that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others. Note: intention is essential; that’s what separates secrets from things merely unknown.

Of course there are “official” secrets: state secrets, corporate secrets, secret formulas/recipes, even secret ingredients. All can be important, even interesting.

But most of the secrets in our lives are personal, such as

Dog Secrets
  • The first erect penis I ever saw was my brother’s.
  • I overheard people at my sister’s concert talking about what a terrible musician she is.
  • My father in law helps me remember my wedding anniversary every year.
  • I put already dead batteries in obnoxiously loud kids’ toys.
  • I’ve had sex with 13 men.
  • I lose on purpose when playing video games with my spouse.
  • I’m afraid to see a therapist, because then I might have confirmation of what I suspect.
  • My dog is a better sleep partner than my spouse.
  • I never wear pants when on video calls for work.
  • I resent the cat for stealing my spouse’s affection.
  • If my dick wasn’t so small, I wouldn’t be such a great athlete.
  • I shave my face every day, and I’m a woman!
  • I haven’t washed my socks in three days.
  • I steal the kids’ Halloween candy.
  • I pretend to snore so my partner isn’t as embarrassed about her own snoring.
  • I shoplift at yard sales.
  • I fell for her when she said my sweaty body was sexy.
  • I’m the one who lost my sister’s Totally Hair Barbie when we were kids.
  • My mother is an alcoholic, and I pretend I don’t know.

PostSecrets

Perhaps surprisingly, people are eager to share their secrets!

In November of 2004, Frank Warren printed 3,000 postcards like the one below and started dropping them in public places. 

PostSecret
Secrets
Top: Sample PostSecret card
Bottom: Submitted PostSecret card
PostSecret
secrets

Thousands of postcards poured in, in several languages—and braille—from all over the world. The project exploded beyond its original intent. By early 2006, Frank Warren had compiled early postcards into PostSecret: Extraodordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives

The project spawned shows, exhibits, a website, and several more books: A Lifetime of Secrets (007), The Secret Lives of Men and Women (2007), My Secret (2006)and PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death, and God (2014).  (Eventually the website was taken down because viewers started posting porn and attacking some of the secrets shared.)

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Warren believed that sharing secrets, even anonymously, was liberating, and often therapeutic. I highly recommend any and all of these books as fascinating reading, and also as sources of insight and (for writers) inspiration.

Psychology of Secrets

Horse Secrets

The topic of secrets is so seductive that of course, psychologists got onto the topic. At Psychology Today, you’ll find a pretty comprehensive research overview in the article, Why We Keep So Many Secrets, 2022. The facts and statistics that follow are from that article.

There are 36 common types of secrets identified by researchers, and about 97% of people have a secret in at least one of those categories.  The average person is currently keeping secrets in 12 or 13 of them. Examples of the categories include:

  • Hurting another person (emotionally or physically)
  • Illegal drug use, or abuse of a legal drug (e.g., alcohol, painkillers)
  • Habit or addiction (but not involving drugs)
  • Theft (any kind of taking without asking)
  • Something illegal (other than drugs or theft)
  • Physical self-harm
  • Abortion

Among more than 50,000 research participants  surveyed, the most common secrets include a lie we’ve told (69 percent), romantic desire (61 percent), sex (58 percent), and finances (58 percent)

Monkey Secrets
secrets

It’s OK to have secrets, says psychotherapist Gillian Straker. “We are definitely entitled to have our own inner subjectivity and our own inner lives. “With social media we are having less and less private space — so to have some private space, even if it’s from your partner, feels to me a positive.”

On the other hand, the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual impact of secrets are well documented. In fact, research suggests keeping secrets can significantly boost stress hormones, impact blood pressure, inhibit sleep, contribute to mental health and substance use disorders and even increase chronic pain.  Every time you think about a deeply held secret, stress hormones such as cortisol can surge, impacting your memory, blood pressure, gastrointestinal tract and metabolism. “Those hormones also include norepinephrine,” Gopal Chopra, CEO of PingMD says, “which affects parts of the brain where attention and responses are controlled.

Bison Secrets
secrets

OF course, some people are more secretive than others. Some common synonyms of secretive are reserved, reticent, silent, and taciturn. While all these words mean “showing restraint in speaking,” secretive also carries a suggestion of deviousness and lack of frankness or of an ostentatious will to conceal.

Yes, there are differences between some of the secrets of women and men, at least with regard to sex. According to Justin J. Lehmiller Ph.D.:

  • Women are more likely to report keeping sex secrets because they don’t think their partner would understand.
  • Men are more likely to report keeping sex secrets because they don’t think their partner would approve of their behavior.

Bottom line: Secrets are common, numerous, wide-ranging, powerful, and personal. Consider your secrets and the pros and cons of keeping them.

Secrets