What is insulting varies from person to person. One person’s joke is another person’s wound. And insults vary by subculture. What I’ve collected here are words and phrases from across the web that at least some people consider insulting. I’ve not included insults that seem to be tied to specific subgroups, such as shiksa. There are too many of them and this is just an (extensive) sample. I’m neither condoning nor condemning the use of any of these!
Insults to One’s Intellect or Cognitive Skills
- Dumb as a rock/post/bag of turnips/hammers
- Addleheaded
- Airhead
- Bubblehead
- I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain it to you.
- Biscuit not done in the middle.
- One card short of a full deck
- Not playing with a full deck
- Not the brightest bulb in the pack.
- The communication skills of an alarm clock.
- Bad luck when it comes to thinking.
- The same sense of direction as Christopher Columbus.
- If you had another half a brain you’d be a halfwit.
- Sharp as a [rubber] ball.
- Stupidity is not a crime. [You’re] free to go.
- Congratulations on being the top of the bell curve.
- You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
- Suffering from delusions of adequacy.
- The attention span of an ice cream in July.
- A battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.
- It appears that your brain cells are not holding hands right now.
- I smell something burning. Are you trying to think again?
- Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
- You changed your mind? Here’s hoping this one works better.
- It’s great that you don’t let education get in the way of your ignorance.
- No need to fear success. You have nothing to worry about.
- If [you] ever had a thought, it would die of loneliness.
- You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
- Who’s using the family brain cell at the moment?
Insults to One’s Character/Personality
- I forgot the world revolves around you. My bad!
- Nose so high in the air s/he sniffs clouds
- If her/his lips are moving, s/he is lying.
- A sharp tongue doesn’t indicate a keen mind.
- I’d give you a nasty look, but you already have one.
- f you were a spice, you’d be flour.
- Useful as a lighthouse in a desert.
- Useless as the “ueue” in “queue.”
- Useful as a soup sandwich.
- Just like a Russian doll—full of yourself.
- Your face is just fine. It’s your personality that’s the issue.
- Whatever is eating you must be suffering terribly.
- All the tact of a bowling ball.
- Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
- It’s impossible to underestimate you.
- You have the rest of your life to be a knucklehead. You can take today off.
- You are proof that the universe has a sense of humor.
- S/he has no off switch.
- You should use glue instead of chapstick.
- Is there an intermission to this drama?
- Deep as a puddle in a parking lot.
- A slightly tilted picture frame.
- You really should come with a warning label.
- A personality that’s a vibrant shade of beige.
- As useful/helpful/necessary as a screen door on a submarine.
- Such a conversation starter. It gets underway as soon as you leave.
- Two-faced.
- Crooked as a corkscrew.
- So crooked he had to be screwed into his grave.
- Charismatic as a wet sock.
- Someone who takes more than 15 items through the express lane.
- Your ambition outweighs your skills.
Insults to One’s Person
- Looks like the south side of a horse heading north.
- A nose that could chop wood.
- If you were fruit you’d be a perfect pear/apple.
- Not the ugliest wo/man in the world—unless the other one has died
- I’ve seen salads dressed better than you.
- You have a face for radio.
- If my dog was as ugly as you are, I’d shave his butt and walk him backward.
- Can I have the name of your hair cutter? I need to know where not to go.
- Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
- Two left feet.
- Sweet as rhubarb.
- Walleyed.
- Face so ugly s/he should walk backward.
- Nobody could be as dumb as you look.
- My life may be a joke, but it’s not as funny as your outfit.
Wishing Someone Ill
- May your life be as unpleasant as you are.
- May you live in interesting times.
- May your cheek always find the hot side of the pillow and the heel of your left sock always slip down inside your shoe.
- Wishing you all the happiness you deserve—and not one ounce more.
- May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.
- May you have a sparsely attended funeral.
Insulting to Men
- Bastard
- Son-of-a-bitch
- Thinks with his little head
- You’re not one of the boys and you never will be
- Angry white male
- Mother f***er
- Beta male
- You’re just like your father
- If you walked into a wall with an erection your nose would hit the wall first.
- Bubba
- Cock (slang)
- Company man
- Buffoon
- Cuckold
- Fop
- Your quiche is terrible!
- Himbo
- Dick
- Incel
- Master of the unsuccessful comb-over
- Lothario
- Lounge lizard
- You are such a nice guy.
- MAMIL (middle-aged man in lycra)
- Manlet
- Couldn’t get off a rabbit with that little dick.
- Could wear a women’s bikini bottom, and nobody would look twice.
- No sports car in the world could compensate for that tiny dick.
- Need a magnifying glass to see his dick.
- Does something that small really work?
- Are you a pedophile? After all, you have a child size penis.
- Looks like a eunuch.
- Do tiny dicks run in the family?
- Leads with his zipper.
- He has cotton balls
- Mansplaining
- Pantywaist
- Manspreading
- Manterrupting
- Motherfucker
- Bell end
- Prick (slang)
- Reply guy
- White knight
- I am searching for the bones of your father but cannot distinguish them from those of a slave. (said by Diogenes to Alexander the Great)
Insulting to Women
- Easy piece
- Battle-axe (woman)
- Bimbo
- Cat lady
- Cougar (slang)
- Crone
- Cunt (in some cultures, such as Australia, this is a common greeting among friends, rather than an insult)
- Dyke (slang)
- Fag hag
- Female hysteria
- Floozie
- Gold digger
- MRS degree
- Bitch
- Castrating bitch
- Nasty woman
- Nowhere girls
- Puck bunny
- Queen bee (sociology)
- Radical chic
- Shrew (stock character)
- Slut
- Cock teaser
- Spinster
- Suzy Homemaker
- Termagant
- Trollop
- Trophy wife
- Twat
- Virago
- WAGs
- Whore
- Hoe
- (Chest) flat as a pancake
- Thunder thighs
- Hag
- Harpy
- Lesbian until graduation
- Moll
Generalized Insults
- You are why the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
- You’re a nonessential vitamin.
- I have 90 billion nerves, and you’re on every single one of them.
- I may not be perfect, but at least I am not you.
- Yes, sometimes you’re an idiot. But don’t be sorry for who you are!
- I like you. People say I have no taste, but I like you.
- I don’t know where you were before we met, but I wish you were still there.
- I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
- We were happily married for a month. Too bad it was our 10-year anniversary.
- I admire the way you try so hard.
- You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.
- You should have tried doing it the way I told you to in the the first place.
- Well, at least you’re good-looking.
- What the devil kind of knight are you, that can’t slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? (said by the Zaporozhian Cossacks to Sultan Mehmed IV)
Rare and Outdated
From Merriam-Webster:
- Cockalorum– a boastful and self-important person; a strutting little fellow
- Snollygoster– an unprincipled but shrewd person
- Pillock– a very stupid or foolish person
- Lickspittle– a fawning subordinate; a suck-up
- Smellfungus– an excessively faultfinding person
- Ninnyhammer– ninny; simpleton, fool
- Mumpsimus– a stubborn person who insists on making an error in spite of being shown that it is wrong
- Milksop– an unmanly man; a mollycoddle (a pampered or effeminate boy or man)
- Hobbledehoy– an awkward, gawky young man
- Pettifogger– shyster; a lawyer whose methods are underhanded or disreputable
- Mooncalf– a foolish or absentminded person
- Saltimbanco– a mountebank; a person who sells quack medicines from a platform
- Smell-feast– one given to finding out and getting invited to good feasts
Bottom Line: Tempting as it might be to fling insults around, consider the possible—probable?— escalation. Relationships might suffer irreparable damage.