CONTACT COMFORT

Posted on December 5, 2023December 5, 2023 by vlaw759

“Contact comfort” refers to the physical and emotional comfort a person receives from physical contact with another. And it isn’t just for infants!

Pretty much everyone knows about the need for contact comfort in infancy; whether the infant receives it or not has life-long consequences. Why?

Early Contact Comfort Research

Harry Harlow

Contact comfort
Harlow monkey experiment — *Baby monkey snuggling a soft mannequin in Harry Harlow’s research*

Psychologists believe that contact comfort forms the foundation for attachments. As far back as the 1950s, Harry Harlow’s studies demonstrated the importance of physical comfort. In his lab, young monkeys preferred snuggling with a soft, cloth-covered mannequin over a wire mannequin. Even when the wire mannequin provided food, the baby monkeys chose to cuddle with the mannequin that provided contact comfort.

Similarly, human babies need to feel safe and comforted. From this secure base, they develop the confidence interact with and explore their worlds.

John Bowlby

According to John Bowlby, who saw first-hand the effects of World War II on civilian populations, children need two things to develop a healthy attachment:

The caregiver must be responsive to the child’s physical, social, and emotional needs
The caregiver and child must engage in mutually enjoyable interactions

As Bowlby observed, even infants try to prevent separation from their parents. When such separation is imminent, babies cry, refuse a stranger’s comfort, and wait for the parent to return.

Erik Erikson

Eric Erikson, a contemporary of Harlow and Bowlby, theorized that human psychosocial development occurs in eight stages. Erikson was in agreement on the importance of a secure base, arguing that the most important goal of infancy was the development of a basic sense of trust in one’s caregivers. Infants are dependent and must rely on others to meet their basic physical needs as well as their needs for stimulation and comfort. A caregiver who consistently meets these needs instills a sense of trust in the world is a trustworthy place.

In 1982, Erikson concluded that a lack of this basic trust could contaminate all aspects of a person’s life and deprive the person of love and fellowship. For example, a premature infant who has to spend their first weeks in an incubator might not develop a strong bond with parents. A child born unwanted or with physical problems that make them less desirable to a parent is more likely to develop a mistrust of the world. Under these circumstances, the parent isn’t likely to provide what the child needs to develop trust. Not being able to trust others, even family and close friends, has profound effects in teens and adults.

Children who have not had ample physical and emotional attention are likely to develop emotional, social, and behavioral problems when they are older.

Lack of Contact Comfort

The human brain changes extensively during infancy. Children from deprived surroundings such as orphanages, show vastly different hormone levels than parent-raised children even beyond the baby years.

Human babies can actually die from lack of touch.

In the nineteenth century, most infants in orphanages and institutions in the United States died of marasmus (“wasting away”). In the 1930s, doctors called a child’s physical decline when separated from caregivers anaclitic depression or hospitalism. A survey of institutions in 1915 reported that the majority of children under age two who had died exhibited “failure to thrive” symptoms. The lack of touch and affection drastically decreased their ability to grow, maintain a healthy weight, and develop.

James Prescott (1971) found that deprivation of touch and movement contributed to later emotional problems. In cultures in which people were very physically affectionate towards infants, levels of adult aggression were relatively low. On the other hand, in cultures that did not encourage as much physical touch, level of adult aggression were higher.

Everyone Benefits!

Mental Benefits

Skin to skin contact benefits both the child and the parent. It reduces parental stress and depression.

According to an article at itspsychology.com, the benefits of contact comfort for adults are numerous. It can help to reduce stress and anxiety, regulate emotions, and increase the production of feel-good hormones. It can also help strengthen relationships and build trust between people. As mentioned earlier, infants who don’t have a foundation for trust have a much tougher time trusting as adults.

For those with mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, physical contact can be an invaluable source of comfort and security, safety and connection. Research has shown that the physical touch of another person can help reduce feelings of fear, anger, and sadness.

When people are mourning a death or other loss, a typical response is to hug the person, or at least touch the person’s arm, hold hands, or offer a pat on the back.

In stressful situations (like a court or doctor’s office), you are likely to see people holding hands or leaning on the shoulder of a loved one while waiting. In times of heightened stress or fear, people unconsciously reach for comfort from those around them. Children who usually consider themselves too old for cuddles will climb on a parent’s lap. Siblings who otherwise don’t get along might hug or simply lean together. Even complete strangers often feel compelled to seek or offer a pat on the shoulder or hand on the back, as the situation dictates.

Physical Benefits

In addition, contact comfort can help speed up the healing process for physical wounds. For example, patients who are touched on the shoulder by nurses and other medical personnel heal faster. Other studies have shown that physical touch can help reduce pain and inflammation. This is because the body releases oxytocin and endorphins, which can help reduce stress and promote relaxation.

Touching can help strengthen relationships and build trust between people. Studies have shown that physical touch increase feelings of closeness and connection, and levels of trust and understanding.

As with infants, when adults are physically touched by another person, it can help us feel safe and connected. This can be especially helpful for those struggling with insecurity or feeling disconnected from their partner.

Give Yourself More Contact Comfort

If you’d like to incorporate contact comfort into your daily life, here are a few tips from “Contact Comfort: How Touch Can Help Us Feel Connected”

Make sure to give and receive physical affection regularly. This can be as simple as a hug or holding hands.
Take time to be intentional about physical contact with those you love. Make sure to focus on the connection and the feeling of being held or touched.
Try to be mindful of the effect that physical touch can have. Pay attention to how it makes you feel and how it can help create a deeper connection with those around you.
Make sure to establish boundaries around physical contact. Respect the wishes of those you touch and be aware of their comfort level.

Under a huge range of circumstances—you can imagine what those might be—an adult’s needs for physical closeness and touch just aren’t satisfied. Those people might decide to find a professional cuddler (or cuddlist). You can hire a professional cuddle-buddy for $60-$100 per hour for non-sexual hugs and cuddles. Both people remain fully clothed. The permissible touching is clearly delineated—much like when getting a massage in the U.S.

Bottom Line: Non-violent physical touch is comforting, and beneficial in many ways. Contact comfort is a good thing!

Self-Soothing

Posted on November 21, 2023November 21, 2023 by vlaw759

“Self-soothing” refers to behaviors people use to regulate their emotional state by themselves. It’s a strategy used to regain equilibrium after an upsetting event, or when facing a stressful situation. (For example, when a child’s parents argue, or an older person has to make a public presentation.)

Self-soothing behaviors are often apparent early in life, and are calming or comforting for a child or adolescent. Infants, for example, may be seen repeatedly sucking fingers or thumbs, hugging a toy or blanket. These habits may continue for years.

Self-soothing behaviors are repetitive/habitual in nature—and are often not consciously applied. Do you touch your hair, twist a ring, straighten your tie, etc.? Noticing when you engage in such behaviors can help you recognize mildly tense or stressful situations. It’s another form of self-awareness.

Following a shock, a traumatic or upsetting event, all people need soothing. In these more intense situations, two common self-soothing behaviors include reaching for an alcoholic drink or a tub of ice cream or other emotional eating. However—as you no doubt know—these kinds of self-soothing behaviors can cause additional problems.

Several self-soothing behaviors can lead to other problems: binge-watching TV, compulsive gaming, or internet surfing. Many superheroes have unhealthy self-soothing behaviors, including Jessica Jones and Iron Man.

Constructive Methods of Self-Soothing

Positive Psychology published an article suggesting several more positive strategies: “24 Best Self-Soothing Techniques and Strategies for Adults.” The following 7 suggestions quoted below are included in that article.

1. Change the Environment

If possible, just change the environment for a few minutes. Go outside and focus on greenery or find a soothing indoor space with a pleasant view or ambiance.

(The origin of the “Green Room” in theaters may stem from Elizabethan actors resting “on the green” between scenes to calm their eyes and their nerves. As the wavelength of green light causes the least strain on the human eye, those Elizabethans may have been on to something!)

2. Stretch for Five Minutes to Move Any Blocked Energy

*For best results, try to put your chin between your heels.*

Often, after upsetting news or a shock, our bodies respond by freezing and energy gets blocked. A few simple trunk twists, neck rotations, or bends at the hip to touch the toes can help shift stagnant energy.

(Even without a shock, our bodies tend to store tension and stress in our backs, shoulders, and necks. Stretching these areas can prevent headaches and improve circulation.)

3. Take a Warm Shower or Bath

Treat yourself with soothing body wash or bubbles and a fresh, soft towel afterward.

(For best results, do not use overly hot water and avoid scrubbing too hard. If hot water is not available, you can turn to oil, smoke, some types of mud, or simple cold water to achieve cleanliness and promote peace of mind.)

4. Soothing Imagery

Find soothing things to look at such as a burning candle, soft lights, pictures of loved ones, favorite places, or perhaps some framed inspirational resilience quotes or affirmations.

(The color green is most restful to the human eye, but some evidence suggests that other colors may have a calming effect on stress and mood. According to the principles of chromotherapy, surrounding oneself with blue, purple, or white can calm, soothe, and relax the central nervous system.)

5. Soothing Music

Listen to favorite tracks that have a calming effect or one of the many relaxing music videos for stress relief that are available online.

(Harp music in particular has a soothing effect on the body as well as the mind. Research has shown that listening to harp music improves pain management, blood pressure, and heart rate regularity.)

6. Soothing Smells

Create pleasant smells by using an essential oil diffuser, scented candle, or incense. Also, try using scented hand lotion.

7. Self-Compassion

Speak compassionately to yourself aloud. Talk to yourself like a good friend would. Give yourself the grace to be off-balance and the space to just be as you are for a while.

Soothing Every Sense

When people experience high levels of stress or discomfort often, some therapists recommend making a self-soothing box that includes objects or reminders of how to soothe all five senses:

Comforting smells such as scented candles, essential oils, or body lotion
Pleasant tastes such as herbal teas or favorite snacks
Soothing things to touch such as a favorite sweater, wrap, or stress ball
Comforting sights such as photos of loved ones, pets, or favorite places
Soothing sounds such as a favorite piece of music or guided meditation track

Most of us are familiar with people soothing other people—a hug, a back-rub, a shoulder to cry on. During COVID, when interpersonal soothing was less available, researchers studied the benefits of self-touching (Dreisoerner et al., 2021). They found that both self-soothing touch (in this study, most participants chose to place their right hand on their heart and their left on their abdomen while focusing on the rising and falling of their breath) and receiving a hug from another person were equally effective at lowering stress levels.

When adults are distressed, it’s difficult to regulate potentially disruptive emotions like anger, fear, and sadness, especially in a public space such as the workplace. If you want to explore self-soothing further, just look online. You will find lists of techniques from 8 to 100. Surely there’s something there for everyone.

Bottom Line: Everyone experiences distress of various sorts and at various levels. Self-soothing is a life skill worth learning.

SHOULD YOU EAT THAT? REALLY?

Posted on October 24, 2023October 26, 2023 by vlaw759

Ever wonder about the safety of the food you put in your mouth or serve to your guests? It should be fine, actually. There are multiple government agencies charged with seeing to it.

Specifically, There are Three US Agencies Dealing With Food Safety

U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA)

*Norovirus, a primary cause of gastroentiritis cases in the winter, looks disconcertingly fluffy under a microscope.*

The FDA is charged with protecting public health. They make sure that foods are safe, wholesome, sanitary and properly labeled. Safety and proper labeling of cosmetics and dietary supplements also fall under FDA oversight.

FDA standards and inspections cover both human and veterinary drugs, vaccines, biological products, and medical devices, ensuring they are safe and effective. This includes tobacco products.

The FDA also protects the public from electronic radiation.

Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS)

As part of the US Department of Agriculture, the FSIS, rather than the FDA, has jurisdiction over most meat and egg products sold in the US. From their website, “FSIS protects the public’s health by ensuring that meat, poultry and egg products are safe, wholesome and properly labeled.” The FSIS does this in part by requiring any producer of meat or eggs to follow a Hazard Analysis and Critical Control Point (HACCP) system.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)

*Grapes! No, just Staphylococcus aureus.*

Somewhat surprisingly, the CDC leads federal efforts to gather data on food-borne illnesses, investigate food-borne illnesses and outbreaks, and monitor the effectiveness of prevention and control efforts in reducing food-borne illnesses. The CDC also plays a key role in building state and local health department epidemiology, laboratory, and environmental health capacity to support food-borne disease surveillance and outbreak response.

So, How Effective are These Safety Measures?

According to the FDA, Americans suffer approximately 48 million cases of food poisoning every year. The CDC estimates that each year 1 in 6 Americans get sick from contaminated food or beverages and 3,000 die from food borne illness. The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) estimates that food-borne illnesses cost the United States more than $15.6 billion each year.

Top 15 Foods That Caused Outbreak-Associated Illnesses, 2009–2018*

*Source: CDC Foodborne Disease Outbreak Surveillance System*

*Vegetable row crops (e.g., leafy vegetables); seeded vegetables (e.g., cucumbers); mollusks (e.g., oysters); root/underground vegetables (e.g., carrots, potatoes)
*Unpasteurized dairy products accounted for 80% of outbreak-associated illnesses linked to dairy. Pasteurized dairy products accounted for 10%, and pasteurization status was unknown for 9%.
*Other = foods that don’t fit in the top 15 categories and other federally regulated items such as alcohol, coffee, other beverages, ice, condiments, and dietary supplements.
**Total of percentages does not equal 100% because of rounding.

Who is Really Responsible for Food Safety?

Everywhere I looked, I had to conclude that food safety still lays largely in the hands of individual cooks and consumers.

Things to Be Aware Of

*Campylobacter kind of looks like Cheetos.*

Biological hazards include bacteria, parasites, fungi, and viruses and are the main cause of food-borne illnesses. They can develop in poorly handled food or through contamination from an outside source. Ensure that all your produce has been purchased from an approved supplier. In all cases of suspected contaminated food, dispose of it immediately. And of course, that goes double for recalled items.

Chemical hazards are substances such as pesticides or machine oils. Always handle and store correctly. Keep potentially hazardous items stored separately from your food and prep area.

Physical hazards are objects which contaminate your foods such as pieces of glass or metal, toothpicks, jewelry, or hair. The majority of recalls in the food industry in the US are related to physical hazards. Keeping all foods covered in storage will help prevent physical contamination. Take care during preparation to reduce the risk of such contamination in the kitchen.

The Three Main Sources of “Food Poisoning”

*A close-up of salmonella looks like candy!*

1) Time and temperature hazards result from improper cooking, holding, cooling, and reheating of food, leading to the growth of pathogens.

Do not leave cooked food at room temperature for more than 2 hours
Promptly refrigerate all cooked and perishable food (preferably below 5°C)
Keep cooked food piping hot (more than 60°C) prior to serving
Do not store food too long in the refrigerator
Do not thaw frozen food at room temperature
Know the degree of doneness needed for various foods, especially meat, fish, and poultry

2) Cross contamination occurs when you mix cooked and uncooked food, especially raw meat or fish.

*Toxoplasma gondii may look like a Day-Glo ghost, but it’s very dangerous to pregnant women.*

Assign different containers for the preparation of each kind of food
Avoid un-sanitized surfaces, utensils and equipment at all stages of food preparation

3) Poor personal hygiene is a common culprit that’s easily avoidable by following these rules:

Wash and sanitize hands properly between tasks and whenever they get dirty
Wear single-use gloves while preparing or serving ready-to-eat food
Clean and trim nails
Bathe or shower daily
Keep hair neatly combed, with long hair tied back
Wear a hair net or cap and apron at all times
Cover wounds at all times and refrain from handling food with open wounds
Stay away from the kitchen when sick and consult a doctor as to when it is safe to return
Remove jewelry before working

*Underwater plant life or Escherichia coli (E. coli)? Who can tell?*

Okay, so individually each of these is easy to do. But how many people actually do all of these things all the time?

Bottom Line: It’s surprising that only 1 person in 6 suffers from food-borne illnesses each year.

TOO MUCH SLEEP

Posted on August 8, 2023August 8, 2023 by vlaw759

Is that even a thing? I asked myself that question after the night I slept more than eleven hours. First, I looked up what’s typical.

*The Seven Sleepers, according to medieval Christian and Islamic legend, slept in a cave for 300 years to escape religious purges. (Illustration from the Menologian of Basil II)*

Recommended Sleep by Age

The following table is from the CDC.

Age Group	Age Range	Recommended Hours of Sleep
Infant	4-12 months	12-16 hours (including naps)
Toddler	1-2 years	11-14 hours (including naps)
Preschool	3-5 years	10-13 hours (including naps)
School-Age	6-12 years	9-12 hours
Teen	13-18 years	8-10 hours
Adult	18-60 years	7 or more
	61-64 years	7-9 hours
	65+ years	7-8 hours

So, either I’m back to my middle school years, or I’m beyond the pale. No doubt the latter, but is that a bad thing?

Why Do People Sleep Too Much?

*Reportedly, Albert Einstein regularly slept ten hours every night and napped frequently.*

For people who suffer from hypersomnia, oversleeping is actually a medical disorder. The condition causes people to suffer from extreme
sleepiness throughout the day, which is not usually relieved by napping. It also causes them to sleep for unusually long periods of time at night. Many people with hypersomnia experience symptoms of anxiety, low energy, and memory problems as a result of their almost constant need for sleep.

*Author Anne Rice suffered for years with obstructive sleep apnea, which may have inspired her interest and affinity in other creatures of the night, such as vampires.*

Obstructive sleep apnea occurs when something blocks part or all of your upper airway while you sleep. Your diaphragm and chest muscles have to work harder to open your airway and pull air into your lungs. Your breath can become very shallow, or you may even stop breathing briefly. You usually start to breathe again with a loud gasp, snort, or body jerk. You may not sleep well, but you probably won’t even know that it’s happening. This condition can also lower the flow of oxygen to your organs and cause uneven heart rhythms.

*Calvin Coolidge took a nap nearly every day in addition to sleeping ten or eleven hours every night*.

Not everyone who oversleeps has a medical sleep disorder. Other possible causes of oversleeping include:

Alcohol
Prescription medications
Jet lag
Illness, such as a cold or flu
Extreme athletic exertion
Depression

Besides the conditions mentioned above, too much sleep — as well as not enough sleep — raises the risk of: heart disease, diabetes, depression, and obesity in adults age 45 and older. Any of these can carry an increased risk of death.

Sleeping Preference

*Mariah Carey credits her fantastic singing voice to her habit of sleeping 15 hours every night.*

And then there are people who simply want to sleep a lot. Individual sleep needs vary as widely as individual dietary needs, but “anything worth doing is worth overdoing” (as Mick Jagger, Ayn Rand, or possibly G. K. Chesterton famously said).

If long-term risks are too distant to motivate stopping, consider this: if you sleep more than you need to, you’re probably going to wake up from a later sleep cycle, meaning you’ll feel groggy and tired even though you’ve slept more. Research bears out the connection between too much sleep and too little energy.

*LeBron James reports sleeping twelve hours a night for his best athletic performance.*

According to Harvard Health, it appears that any significant deviation from normal sleep patterns can upset the body’s rhythms and increase daytime fatigue. The best solution is to figure out how many hours of sleep are right for you and then stick with it — even on weekends, vacations, and holidays.

The “Sleeping Beauty of Oknö” Karolina Olsson reportedly fell asleep in 1876, aged 14, and didn’t wake up until 1908, aged 46. (She may have been in a coma, kept unconscious by her parents, suffering from a head injury, or simply faking, but medical reporting in Sweden at the time never seemed to reach a definitive conclusion.)

How to Manage and Treat Chronic Oversleeping

*After an overseer gave her a traumatic head injury, Harriet Tubman suffered from epilepsy and bouts of hypersomnia for the rest of her life.*

Stop trying to “collect” sleep hours ahead of time.
Establish consistent sleep and wake times.
Have a regular exercise routine.
Avoid caffeine eight hours before bed and excessive alcohol completely, if possible.
Skip long naps, if possible.
Seek testing for medical causes like sleep apnea, narcolepsy, depression, Prader-Willi syndrome, Kleine-Levin syndrome, or hypothyroidism.

But What If It’s Only Occasional?

*During a golf tournament, Michelle Wie once slept more than sixteen hours. She regularly sleeps ten hours a night but prefers to get twelve hours or more.*

According to the Cleveland Clinic, when you’re sleep drunk, your brain doesn’t make the transition to wakefulness. Your conscious mind isn’t fully awake, but your body can get up, walk, and talk. “People who have confusional arousal might act confused or have trouble speaking,” says Dr. Martinez-Gonzalez. “They might appear to be drunk, but they’re not.”

The CDC discusses sleep inertia. It is a temporary disorientation and decline in performance and/or mood after awakening from sleep.

People with sleep inertia can show slower reaction time, poorer short-term memory, and slower speeds of thinking, reasoning, remembering, and learning.

Bottom Line: Inviting as a warm bed can be on a winter night, as comfortable as it feels during a pounding rain, as luxurious as it can feel to just not get up, consider the price you may pay.

Robert Douglas Spadden (center) slept through the sinking of the Titanic when he was six years old. He woke briefly while being carried to a lifeboat, but his nurse told him they were going to look at the stars. So he went back to sleep.

A MATTER OF TASTE!

Posted on July 4, 2023July 4, 2023 by vlaw759

There are people out there who actually eat durian fruit!

Named the “king of fruits” in some regions, the durian is large and has a thorn-covered rind. The fruit can grow to 12 inches long and 6 in in diameter, and it typically weighs 2 to 7 pounds. Its shape ranges from oblong to round, the color of its husk from green to brown, and its flesh pale yellow to red, depending on the species. I’ve heard the texture described as somewhere between banana and pudding.

But the most distinctive characteristic is the smell! Some people consider the durian to have a pleasantly sweet fragrance. For them, the smell evokes reactions of deep appreciation. Others find the aroma unpleasant, overpowering, even intensely disgusting.

The persistence of its odor, which can linger for hours or even days, has led many public spaces in Southeast Asia, including hotels and civic buildings, to ban the fruit. One cannot carry it on public transportation of any sort, not even motorbike taxis.

Many people, most westerners especially, feel nauseous or gag, at the sight, scent, or taste of durian. As travel writer Richard Sterling said, “Its odor is best described as pig-excrement, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock.” And yet, some people—many people—enjoy durian.

*A hotel in Huế, Vietnam, bans durians right along with pets and gambling.*

Why Do We Like What We Like?

So how do food preferences come about? There is a great, comprehensive article about this at That Thinking Feeling. Food preferences are determined by lots of factors including:

*Japanese snack food is famous for including unexpected flavors.*

Age
Gender
Wealth
Childhood experience
Whether you’re a supertaster
How often you’ve been exposed to the food in question
Social context (my addition)
Emotional factors

Generally speaking, each of our taste-detecting tongue cells ‘specializes’ in one of five flavors: salt, sweet, bitter, sour, or umami. That last is from Japanese and roughly corresponds to ‘savory.’ Contrary to what you were taught in school, no one area of the tongue specializes in anything. Besides the tongue, we have taste buds on the other mouth surfaces and in the throat.

*Escargot (snails) are quite popular in France.*

Big Bombshell: 90% of what is perceived as taste is actually smell! (This according to Dr. Alan Hirsch of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago.) But for the purposes of this blog, that isn’t relevant.

Age

*Though originally a Scandinavian delicacy, more lutefisk (fish brined in lye) is sold in the US and Canada today.*

Babies prefer sweet and salty and reject the other three flavors. If the mother suffered a lot of morning sickness during pregnancy, leading to dehydration, her child will have a stronger preference for salty compared to other babies. Also, babies tend to avoid/reject new or unfamiliar foods. Babies are most open to trying new flavors between the ages of 4 and 7 months.

People ages 20-39 years old eat the most fast food on any given day.

As we grow up, our taste buds become less intense. With age, both taste and smell change.

Taste buds regenerate quickly when we are younger, but over time they don’t reproduce as quickly, or at all. Remaining taste buds shrink as we get older too, resulting in diminished sense of taste. Typically, seniors notice this loss of taste with salty or sweet foods first.

*Grilled scorpion and seahorse skewers are a common snack in many Chinese night markets.*

After age 60, you may begin to lose the ability to distinguish the taste of sweet, salty, sour, and bitter foods. The sense of smell does not begin to fade until after the age of 70; its decrease exacerbates the loss of taste for those affected.

Older adults tend to consume less energy-dense sweets and fast foods, moving toward more grains, vegetables and fruits. Daily volume of foods and beverages also declines as a function of age.

Gender

Men eat more meat and bread, while women consume more fruit, yogurt, and diet soda. Women also have higher intakes of dietary fiber and lower intakes of fat.

*In Korea, bundaegi (silkworm larvae) are traditionally eaten by men, often accompanied by rice wine.*

In general, there appears to be greater evidence for picky eating in males than females.

Men consume more fast food than women.

Some research suggests that women respond more to environmental cues regarding food. Women’s brains tend to form stronger associations between the perception of food and pleasure. Food preferences in women’s brains are more likely than men’s to develop in response to social cues and self-perception.

Wealth

The affluent have more access to higher quality, nutrient dense but typically more expensive food while the underprivileged are often forced to choose cheaper, energy dense food options.

*Percebes, a variety of Portugese barnacles, are both difficult and dangerous to harvest, making them a very expensive delicacy.*

Upper class groups prefer foods that signify exclusivity and access to rare goods; while lower class groups, on the other hand, consume foods that are readily available.

*Until the Industrial Revolution, lobster was considered an undesirable food relegated to the poorer classes.*

On the flip side, lack of access to healthy foods can affect mental and physical performance at school and at work. This poor performance in turn makes it more difficult for people to improve their income and wealth.

Even when more nutritious foods become available, people raised in low-income households tend to buy cheaper, less nutritious foods they are familiar with. This traces back to food preferences formed in childhood.

Childhood Experience

Parental food habits and feeding strategies are the most dominant determinants of a child’s eating behavior and food preferences. For example, parents make some foods available rather than others.

My personal food recipe for rearing children to become eclectic eaters:

*Escamoles (ant eggs) are popular in dishes in Mexico, Guatemala, and Peru.*

Have children eat with adults, whatever adults eat (with the exception of caffeine and alcohol until age appropriate).
Do not demand that a child eat any particular thing. You can’t actually make them eat, and arguments are negative all around.
Set clear contingencies: eat everything or no dessert and no snacks before the next meal.

*The popularity of Peeps (a marshmallow candy) in the United States mystifies people in other countries.*

In the United States, food advertisers face no regulations around marketing food to children. As they grow up, children become increasingly bombarded with social and commercial messaging. The combination of nostalgia with familiarity surrounding foods eaten in childhood encourages people to maintain eating habits developed in childhood, even if those habits are unhealthy.

Supertasters

Picky eaters might be picky because they are supertasters. Whether or not someone is a supertaster depends on the number of taste buds on his or her tongue. One can actually see this by visually inspecting a person’s tongue.

*Along with blood pudding and Scotch eggs, haggis is a dish popular in Scotland though viewed rather dubiously by outsiders.*

To supertasters, the flavors of foods are much stronger than to average tasters. This often leads to supertasters having very strong likes and dislikes for different foods.

*Diners in Italy must cover their casu marzu (cheese with live maggots) while eating in case the maggots wriggle free.*

These people have more cell receptors for bitter taste. Supertasters are also more sensitive to sweet, salty and umami tastes, but to a lesser extent.

Research suggests that those on the autism spectrum may be more likely to be supertasters. People with sensory issues, including many pregnant women, may experience food aversions due to a heightened sense of smell before they even taste a food.

Food Exposure

Repeated exposure to the taste of unfamiliar foods is a promising strategy for promoting liking of previously rejected foods.

*Ackee, a fruit that is poisonous if harvested too early, is often served with onions and fish in western Africa and Jamaica.*

Fewer than 8 exposures may be sufficient for infants and toddlers to increase acceptability of a food. But there may be times when a child never likes a particular food regardless of the number of exposures.

Evidence suggests that children need to be exposed to a food at least 12 times before they start to like it. It can take as many as 15 exposures for a child to get fully comfortable with a new food.

Sociocultural Effects

Even when eating alone, food choice is influenced by social factors because attitudes and habits develop through the interaction with others.

*Muktuk (narwhal and whale blubber and skin) is a staple in Inuit diets, providing more vitamin C than oranges.*

Sociocultural variables contribute to food selection, eating practices and purchasing behaviors.

*Ifinkubala (mopane worms) are a delicacy through much of southern Africa.*

Ethnicity
Religion
Reference group
Family
Education
Occupation
Marital status
Geography
Societal trends
Messages in the media

Research has shown that we eat more with our friends and family than when we eat alone. The quantity of food increases as the number of fellow diners grows.

Emotional Factors

*Sometimes being drunk is the primary emotional factor for being drawn to certain foods.*

Researchers have linked irregular eating patterns and negative emotions such as anger, fear and sadness with eating as a distraction, to relax or feel better.

Scientists associate stress with cravings for high fat and high carbohydrate foods particularly among women. Stress related eating is more common in women than men.

Bottom Line: The development of food preferences involves a complex braiding of factors. Preferences develop early and are generally stable but can shift over time.

*I think this one is just a joke. I hope it’s a joke.*

ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY

Posted on June 27, 2023June 27, 2023 by vlaw759

Not everyone with an addictive personality becomes an addict, and those who do aren’t necessarily addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or tobacco — the usual suspects.

An addictive personality refers collectively to a group of personality traits that may make a person more likely to develop an addiction to something. This can include someone becoming extremely passionate about something and developing an obsession or fixation. Think compulsive buying, game-playing, even exercise.

Tanning addiction
Addictive Personality — *Tanning Addiction*

The root causes of addiction include trauma, mental health struggles, and genetic predisposition.

“Addiction can be viewed as a form of self-medication that works against psychological suffering.”
Marc Lewis, Neuroscientist

*Tattoo Addiction*
*photo by Awhodothey*

There’s a longstanding myth that some people simply have an addictive personality — a personality type that increases their risk for addiction. However, medical professionals cannot officially diagnose (or even officially define) an addictive personality. Experts generally agree that addictions are rooted in brain disorder, personal history or trauma, genetics, and environment, rather than being a diagnosable psychiatric issue.

In the 1990s, marketers for pharmaceutical companies in the US started using the term addictive personality as part of a campaign to promote painkillers. Representatives for Purdue Pharma told doctors that OxyContin would only cause addiction in patients who already had an “addictive personality.” Blaming patients for becoming addicted to highly addictive painkillers helped to remove the blame from the pharmaceutical industry.

Many people today use the term “addictive personality” as a catch-all to refer to certain personality traits that may increase the chances that a person will develop an addiction of some kind. For example, those who like to take risks and who have little impulse control around experimenting and playing with new experiences and dangerous activities are more likely to try drugs. Nevertheless, no one can perfectly predict who will become addicted after substance use and who will not.

Contributing Factors to Addiction

Plastic Surgery Addiction
Addictive Personality — *Plastic Surgery Addiction*

According to verywellmind.com, addiction is a complex brain disorder that is the result of a variety of factors. Genetics play a large part in susceptibility to addiction (see above), but other variables including family history, upbringing, environment, socioeconomic status, and drug availability also play a role in a person’s risk of addiction.

The American Psychological Association (APA) stated in a 2008 hearing before the US Congress that “at least half of a person’s susceptibility to drug or alcohol addiction can be linked to genetic factors.”

There is some overlap between an addictive personality and the symptoms of ADHD. Though there is no genetic link between ADHD and addiction, people with ADHD are at a higher risk of developing addictions. Dr. Sarah Johnson, medical director at Landmark Recovery, attributes this to the difficulty people with ADHD have with regulating neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine

Some estimate that 10-15% of the population has personality traits that may contribute to an addictive personality. This percentage of the population doesn’t know when to stop and has a more difficult time coping with drugs and alcohol. If you think you or a loved one may have an addictive personality, consider the following addictive personality traits.

Some Signs of Addiction/ Risk of Addiction

Pet Hoarding Addiction
Addictive Peronslity — *Pet Hoarding Addiction*

Always wanting more
Continuing despite negative outcomes
Inability to follow self-imposed rules
Not being able to stop
Obsessing
Replacing relationships
Secrecy
Impulsivity
Value nonconformity
Anxiety
Low stress tolerance
Sensation seeking
Blame shifting
Insecurity
Irritability
Mood swings
Poor coping skills
Poor self-esteem
Selfishness
Social isolation or withdrawal
Thrill-seeking

Could Addictive Traits Be Helpful?

Some researchers have hypothesized that the risk-seeking tendencies prevalent in addicts played an important role in early human evolution.

According to 12 Keys Rehab, an addictive personality isn’t necessarily a bad trait. Awareness of troubling behaviors and the possibility of negative consequences can actually be very positive when channeled into positive activities and results.

Identifying productive alternative activities that give a pleasure burst is key to channeling an addictive personality into a positive direction. This does not mean substituting one vice for another.

One can channel compulsivity, impulsiveness, and sensation seeking into positive results, for example, by learning new skills, getting in shape, making friendships, and more. Impulsive people are often viewed as fun to be around due to their spontaneous nature,

An addictive personality can help one achieve goals as long as one is on guard for potential negative impacts. In fact, some experts say that the personality traits of an addict also make for great leaders and business people.

BOTTOM LINE: Many personality traits—including some generally seen as positive—are correlated with the likelihood of developing an addiction. Be self aware!

LIKE IT NEVER EVEN HAPPENED!

Posted on June 6, 2023May 25, 2023 by vlaw759

A marriage annulment is a legal ruling that deems a marriage null and void — as if it never happened in the first place. Annulments effectively erase the marriage.

There are two main ways to formally end a marriage: annulment and divorce. An annulment declares that a marriage was never valid, while a divorce legally concludes a valid marriage. A divorce is more common and easier to attain. Annulment requires specific circumstances and evidence.

Most people are fairly familiar with divorce, personally or observationally, so this blog focuses on annulment, both civil and religious.

“The Civil Wedding” (1887)
Albrecht Samuel Anker

Civil Annulment

Because an annulled marriage was never considered legally valid, any prenuptial agreements are also invalid. Plus, neither partner has a right to the other’s personal property or finances the way they would in the case of a divorce.

Getting the courts to grant an annulment can be difficult. At least one party must believe the marriage shouldn’t have happened, and they have to provide grounds to a judge in order to have it annulled. To qualify for an annulment of marriage, you must meet certain circumstances. The following situations typically qualify:

False pretenses: One or both parties were tricked into getting married.
Mental incompetence: One or both parties weren’t legally able to make the decision to get married because of a mental disability or being under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.
Underage marriage: One or both parties were under the legal age of consent (typically 18) at the time of the marriage.
Concealment: One or both parties failed to disclose important details about themselves and their lives prior to the marriage, like having a child, criminal conviction, or serious illness.
Failure to consummate the marriage: One or both parties are unable to be physically intimate in the marriage.
Concealed Infertility: One spouse might be physically incapable of having children, and that spouse might have lied about it to the other spouse. This would involve both fraud and lack of consummation.
Consanguinity: Incest is defined as a relationship between two blood relatives who would be banned from legal marriage in their state. This typically means more closely related than first cousins.
Bigamy happens when one person is already married at the time of marrying someone else.
Underage without parental consent: Lack of consent can happen when one spouse is too young to consent on his or her own behalf, and the other spouse did not get proper consent from the parents of the underage spouse.
Unsound mind: You may be able to show unsound mind if you or your spouse was under the influence of alcohol or drugs at the time of your marriage. If you were prevented by intoxication or by a mental disorder from understanding what you were doing, you may be able to get an annulment.
Finally, a marriage can be annulled if one spouse threatened, blackmailed, or coerced the other spouse into marriage.

In an annulment where there are children, it’s as if the parents were never married. That means both parents can individually seek custody or work out an agreement for shared custody, much like they would if the child had been born to unmarried parents in the first place.

*“Le Jugement de Salomon” (1649)*
*Nicolas Poussin*

States’ Rights

Just as the requirements for marriage and divorce vary by state, so do some aspects of annulment. Someone interested in an annulment—whether for personal, family, or literary reasons—should investigate requirements of the relevant state.

Sometimes there are time limits on filing for an annulment. According to the Nathan Law Offices, in general, you have four years from the date of the marriage to file for an annulment. However, there are exceptions depending on the reason for the annulment.

And the time limit varies by state. For example, in Michigan, Virginia, and Ohio—and many others—the marriage may be annulled if a case is brought to court within two years of the marriage date.

However, there is no time frame to get an annulment in New York City. You can ask the Court for an annulment whether you have been married for 2 years or for 25 years as long as some of the grounds for annulment are met. Ditto Georgia, and several other states.

In Oklahoma a marriage that takes place before the expiration of six months from the date either spouse was divorced is a voidable marriage. In order to annul such a remarriage, an annulment action must be brought within the six-month period.

In North Carolina, the marriage can be annulled if it was performed under the representation that one of the parties was pregnant, but the couple separates within 45 days of their marriage and no child is born within the 10 months following the separation. Many states allow annulment on a much greater number of fraud-related grounds, but in North Carolina this is the only fraudulent ground available for an annulment.

*“The Marriage Settlement”* (1745)
William Hogarth

RELIGIOUS ANNULMENT

This is a totally separate action. People who don’t qualify for a civil annulment may still be able to obtain a religious annulment, but this will have no effect on legal responsibilities as spouses. This process is not a part of the court system but, rather, a part of the church or institution to which the person(s) belong. However, it serves a similar purpose in that a religious annulment of a marriage typically decrees that the marriage was invalid from the beginning.

In religious annulment, the Church recognizes that a valid marriage never existed under the laws of the Church. Although some other religious institutions provide annulments, the Catholic Church is by far the most commonly used. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll stick with Catholic annulments here.

In 2015, Pope Francis issued a motu proprio, which is essentially an amendment to existing Catholic canon. These two documents, the Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus and Mitis et Misericors Iesus (one for the Western Catholic Church and one for the Eastern Catholic Church), make the process of obtaining an annulment more efficient.

Without an annulment, a Catholic cannot remarry, even if they divorce. A divorced Catholic who remarries without obtaining an annulment cannot receive any other sacraments.

The short of it is that to obtain a Church annulment, the person seeking the annulment must satisfy the Church that one or more of the requirements for a valid marriage was missing or abridged. The long of it is—well—long. (These are quoted directly from the Vatican library of canon law online.)

Insufficient use of reason (Canon 1095, 10): You or your spouse did not know what was happening during the marriage ceremony because of insanity, mental illness, or a lack of consciousness.
Grave lack of discretionary judgment concerning essential matrimonial rights and duties (Canon 1095, 20): You or your spouse was affected by some serious circumstances or factors that made you unable to judge or evaluate either the decision to marry or the ability to create a true marital relationship.
Psychic-natured incapacity to assume marital obligations (Canon 1095, 30): You or your spouse, at the time of consent, was unable to fulfill the obligations of marriage because of a serious psychological disorder or other condition.
Ignorance about the nature of marriage (Canon 1096, sec. 1): You or your spouse did not know that marriage is a permanent relationship between a man and a woman ordered toward the procreation of offspring by means of some sexual cooperation.
Error of person (Canon 1097, sec. 1): You or your spouse intended to marry a specific individual who was not the individual with whom marriage was celebrated. (For example, mail order brides; otherwise, this rarely occurs in the United States.)
Error about a quality of a person (Canon 1097, sec. 2): You or your spouse intended to marry someone who either possessed or did not possess a certain quality, e.g., social status, marital status, education, religious conviction, freedom from disease, or arrest record. That quality must have been directly and principally intended.
Fraud (Canon 1098): You or your spouse was intentionally deceived about the presence or absence of a quality in the other. The reason for this deception was to obtain consent to marriage.
Total willful exclusion of marriage (Canon 1101, sec. 2): You or your spouse did not intend to contract marriage as the law of the Catholic Church understands marriage. Rather, the ceremony was observed solely as a means of obtaining something other than marriage itself, e.g., to obtain legal status in the country or to legitimize a child.
Willful exclusion of children (Canon 1101, sec. 2): You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, to deny the other’s right to sexual acts open to procreation.
Willful exclusion of marital fidelity (Canon 1101, 12): You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, not to remain faithful.
Willful exclusion of marital permanence (Canon 1101, sec. 2): You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, not to create a permanent relationship, retaining an option to divorce.
Future condition (Canon 1102, sec. 2): You or your spouse attached a future condition to your decision to marry, e.g., you will complete your education, your income will be at a certain level, you will remain in this area.
Past condition (Canon 1102, sec. 2): You or your spouse attached a past condition so your decision to marry and that condition did not exist; e.g., I will marry you provided that you have never been married before, I will marry you provided that you have graduated from college.
Present condition (Canon 1102, sec. 2): You or your spouse attached a present condition to your decision to marry and that condition did not exist, e.g., I will marry you provided you don’t have any debt.
Force (Canon 1103): You or your spouse married because of an external physical or moral force that you could not resist.
Fear (1103): You or your spouse chose to marry because of fear that was grave and inescapable and was caused by an outside source.
Error regarding marital unity that determined the will (1099): You or your spouse married believing that marriage was not necessarily an exclusive relationship.
Error regarding marital indissolubility that determined the will (Canon 1099): You or your spouse married believing that civil law had the power to dissolve marriage and that remarriage was acceptable after civil divorce.
Error regarding marital sacramental dignity that determined the will (Canon 1099): You and your spouse married believing that marriage is not a religious or sacred relationship but merely a civil contract or arrangement.
Lack of new consent during convalidation (Canons 1157,1160): After your civil marriage, you and your spouse participated in a Catholic ceremony and you or your spouse believed that (1) you were already married, (2) the Catholic ceremony was merely a blessing, and (3) the consent given during. the Catholic ceremony had no real effect.

*One of the most famous “annullers” of all time—King Henry the VIII—created a new religion so he’d be allowed to marry all of these women.*

THINGS THAT MIGHT NOT BE OBVIOUS OR INTUITIVE

Unless otherwise specified, there is no limit on the passage of time between marriage and annulment.

Glynn (Scotty) Wolfe, an American Baptist minister is known for having the largest number of monogamous marriages. He married 31 different times. One marriage was annulled.

A Catholic couple who obtain a divorce can subsequently apply for an annulment when one or both parties want to be members of the church in good standing and/or be remarried in the church.

If one member of a couple applies for an annulment, the other member has the option of agreeing, disagreeing, or (in the case of a couple previously divorced) simply not responding.

If each spouse/former spouse completes the fact-finding forms (done independently), their answers are compared and discrepancies resolved. This process can go on for months!

*“Mariage de Louis de France, Duc de Bourgogne et de Marie-Adélaïde de Savoie” (1715)*
*Antoine Dieu*

Bottom Line: Civil and religious annulments are two distinctly different actions and one cannot replace the other. Be clear about your rights and responsibilities, which vary by state in Civil annulments.

YOUR TOXIC ENVIRONMENT

Posted on May 23, 2023May 23, 2023 by vlaw759

Not the air you breathe, not the water you drink, not asbestos in your house or lead based paint. I’m talking about toxic people in your life! As part of Mental Health Awareness Month, let’s talk a bit about how to recognize the toxic people in your life and what to do about them.

Toxic People

A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Lillian Glass first used the term in her 1995 book Toxic People: 10 Ways of Dealing With People Who Make You Miserable.

I’m not the first to recognize the threat toxic people pose to one’s well-being. Clinical psychologists and other counselors frequently see people struggling with toxic people in their lives. And there are a ton of self-help books out there.

In 2018 Oxford Dictionaries named “toxic” as its Word of the Year, citing a 45% increase in look-ups of the word and an expansion in the scope of its application.

Toxic people are more common than you may think.

Researchers suggest that toxic people represent possibly 5-10% of the population and maybe cause 95% of the damage to humans. Toxic friendships are all too common: 84% of women and 75% of men report having a toxic friend at some point.

A 2015 study suggests that, though men and women may display toxic personality traits differently, toxic personality shows up equally across the entire population.

Identifying Toxic People

Your own gut reaction to toxic people will likely warn you to limit interactions with them. From WebMD, here are some warning signs that you’re dealing with a toxic person:

You feel like you’re being manipulated into something you don’t want to do.
You’re constantly confused by the person’s behavior.
You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes.
You always have to defend yourself to this person.
You never feel fully comfortable around them.
You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence.
You consistently dread spending time in this person’s company.

Just like there are signs you’re around a toxic person because of how the person makes you feel, there are signs you might see in toxic people themselves that highlight their toxicity.

**The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist** by Debbie Mirza

The most common signs include:

Toxic people are often controlling, wanting his/her way in matters large and small. They often say, “You should….”
They are unwilling to compromise, even on seemingly minor issues.
Toxic people are typically highly critical.
Their mood toward you seems to run hot and cold, i.e., they are inconsistent.
Their “wounded ego” constantly needs bolstering.
Toxic people are often narcissistic, focusing mostly on themselves.
They tend to exaggerate.
They are preoccupied with projecting an idealized image, whether that’s of a perfect family, a benevolent philanthropist, or simple physical attractiveness.
They have a negative attitude about other people and about life in general.
They often abuse alcohol or other substances.
They don’t respect the boundaries of others, sometimes physically, more often psychologically; i.e., making plans on others’ behalf, not keeping secrets, bringing up hurtful topics.
They expect others to “know” or guess what they need without actually asking for it (and then take offense when those needs are not met).
They’ll use non-toxic words but in a toxic tone of voice.
They will never admit to their own wrong-doing.
Through all their stories, they are always the victim.
They’re judgmental and not afraid to share.

So How Do These People Get into Your Life?

Friend by History:
- This is a person whom you have known forever.
  - Maybe you went to elementary school together, or you were neighbors growing up.
- Now you feel guilty ending the relationship.

Friend by Proximity:
- This is a person who comes as a package with someone else in your life.
  - Maybe it’s your partner’s best friend, or your friend’s brother who always tags along, or your best friend’s childhood friend.
- You feel guilty because you don’t want to put “your” person in an awkward situation.

Friend by Context:
- This is a person who you see all the time in a specific area of your life
  - Someone you work with everyday, maybe someone on your flag football team or someone who lives across the hall, perhaps someone in your bridge group.
- You feel guilty brushing them off because you see them all the dang time.

How Toxic People Negatively Impact You?

The negative effect toxic people can have on those around them goes both deep and far. And it’s not just personal: a toxic employee or manager can negatively impact their entire business.

**Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry** by Dr Albert Bernstein

As Babita Spinelli, L.P., J.D. explains, toxic people will find ways to blame you for everything, control you, suffocate you, and invalidate you, which can lead you to abandon yourself.
When a toxic person has a hold on you, you’ll find yourself accommodating them, making poor choices, and getting caught in drama. This all leads to an overall diminishing of self-esteem and self-worth, and even anxiety and depression, says Spinelli.
A more insidious effect of toxic people is that they’re energy vampires, meaning they seem to drain the very life out of people around them just with their presence. “They cause you a lot of distress that you may even justify because you can’t understand why it’s affecting you so badly,” Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy notes, adding that toxic people will often make you question your reality.
Children with toxic parents can develop a variety of mental traumas as they grow up, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, hypochondria, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorders.
Children surrounded by toxic adults may grow up to be toxic adults themselves.
Teachers with toxic personalities can harm students’ academic performance, interest in school, and self-esteem.
Toxic employees can cost a company revenue and hurt an organization’s reputation both with customers and within an industry.
Toxic bosses decrease employee productivity, increase employee absenteeism and turnover, and have an overall negative impact on the entire organization where they work.

Are You a Toxic Person?

Could you be a toxic person? Take this quick test from Truity:

It is simply a fact that I am smarter than the average person.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

People who want to get close to me need to understand that I have strong emotions and that I must be true to myself.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

Most people spend too much time and energy trying to achieve goals that don’t really matter.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

Everyone lies—I’m just better at it than most.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

The best way to avoid being disappointed is to expect the worst.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

I often have to push people to do things in a way that meets my high standards.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

I do not like to be treated like one of the crowd.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

**The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People** by Shahida Arabi

If any of this sounds like you, don’t despair! Most people do not have a permanent, entrenched personality disorder; they may be simply going through particularly toxic phases. The first step to fixing a problem is generally admitting that the problem exists. Deliberate efforts on your part to shift your perspective and your responses to those around you can help you break toxic patterns of behavior.

As Hannah Baer writes, “Research demonstrates that believing others have fixed traits which don’t change (including, say, “toxic” personality pathology) yields defensiveness, failure to listen, and failure to set boundaries (because what good can it do if they can’t change?).”

On the other hand, you might recognize someone you know in this quiz. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don’t present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way. Or maybe it’s just the alcohol! But you are not the therapist for such family members, friends, coworkers, neighbors… Attend to your own well-being first.

How to Deal with Toxic People

**In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People** by Dr George Simon

Paracelsus, a 16th century Swiss physician and philosopher, famously said, “Dosis sola facit venenum (Only the dose makes the poison).” Though his claim that poisons can cause harm only if ingested in a high enough concentration may not be entirely true for toxic chemicals, it is a good guiding principle when dealing with toxic people.

There is a chance that the person is not genuinely toxic and is just reacting to particularly high levels of stress in their own life. In this case, you might be able to bring their toxic behavior to light, leading them to change on their own.

Confront the person about the toxic behavior. This is best done in a calm, non-argumentative way. For example, “When you do/say X, I feel Y.”
In the case of someone you’ve known for a while, ask yourself if their behavior has always been problematic or if it has become more toxic over time. If the person has become more toxic, you may be able to have a discussion about what has changed, when it changed, and whether it might change back.
Discuss the negative behavior you’ve noticed, including specifics.
Often, a person displays toxic behavior in response to power imbalances in a relationship, such as a work supervisor or a parent. In such cases, addressing the unequal power in the relationship might remove the trigger for toxic behavior.

If you realize that you are unlikely to cause a genuinely toxic person to change their personality in any fundamental way, your best option may be to minimize your “dose” of exposure.

**Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse** by Jackson MacKenzie

Set and enforce clear boundaries.
Spend as little time as possible with the person.
Change the subject when they bring up problematic conversation topics.
Limit conversation to relevant topics. For example, only talk to a toxic coworker about work-related topics. With a problematic bridge partner, only discuss future bridge games or strategies.
Leave yourself options for escaping bad encounters if necessary.
If your boundaries aren’t respected, follow through with concrete actions, including breaking off contact.

It may be best to break off all contact with a toxic person, preserving your own sanity and peace of mind.

Stop all meet-ups, phone calls, messages, social media connections, etc.
Avoid reminiscing about the “good times” or reliving painful memories.
Don’t give in to the urge to look them up online or ask mutual acquaintances about them.
Focus on personal healing and self-care.
Maintain healthy and supportive relationships with others.

Bottom Line: Purge your life of toxic people. You know who they are!

IF IT CAN GO WRONG, IT CAN GET WORSE

Posted on May 9, 2023May 20, 2023 by vlaw759

A pessimist tends to see the worst aspect of things, to believe that the worst will happen, often accompanied by a lack of hope or confidence in the future. Sometimes I think watching the news is enough to make anyone pessimistic—and the more we watch, the more hopeless everything seems!

But then, again, everyone is different.

*A pessimist knows this to be true in their soul.*

What’s So Bad About Pessimism? Let Us Count the Ways!

One article at BetterHelp discusses five ways pessimism can harm you—and here they are.

A Pessimistic Attitude Can Hurt Relationships. Pessimists often have a hard time trusting other people. They assume the worst in others, sometimes making unfair accusations. They usually expect a relationship to fail, so planning a future together seems pointless.

Pessimism Can Hurt Physical Health. The mind/body connection is well established in science. In the case of pessimists, their behaviors often don’t support good health. “For example, studies have found that pessimistic people are less likely to diet, exercise, or see a doctor when they need. They are also more likely to smoke.”

A Pessimistic Mentality Can Hurt Your Career. Pessimistic people are more likely to give up when they encounter a difficult situation at work, are less likely to learn valuable lessons from their mistakes at work, and are more likely to create unwanted workforce drama.

Pessimism Affects Self-Esteem And Confidence. It seems to me that the connection here is obvious and needs no elaboration.

Pessimism Is Harmful To Mental Health. Although, technically, it isn’t a mental health disorder, pessimistic thoughts can closely mimic symptoms of some disorders. Pessimistic thoughts and emotions—such as anxiety, worry, anger, rage, or depression—cause the pessimist to suffer.

A study published in 2020 found that people who are strongly pessimistic about the future are at greater risk of dying earlier than those who are not pessimists, on average two years earlier—but contrary to previous studies, being an optimist didn’t extend life expectancy.

Another study found that the most pessimistic people are 21.8 percent less happy than realists.

Symptoms of a Pessimist

Although not a mental illness, pessimism (having a generally negative view of life and the world around them) is a personality trait—that is, it endures. The following list of ways to determine whether you are a pessimist comes from VeryWellMind. Clearly, you can also use these “symptoms” to identify pessimists around you.

You feel surprised when things actually work out.
You don’t go after what you want because you think you will probably fail.
You tend to focus on what can go wrong in a situation.
You think that the risks almost always outweigh the benefits.
You experience imposter syndrome and undervalue your abilities.
You tend to concentrate on your flaws or weaknesses rather than your strengths.
You often feel annoyed by people who have an optimistic demeanor.
You often engage in negative self-talk.
You assume that all good things will eventually come to an end.
You find it easier to live with the status quo than change things for the better.

And bad news for smart people: intelligent people tend to be more aware of situational complexities and so are more likely to worry and/or be pessimistic. As philosopher Antonio Gramsci said, “I’m a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will.”

Charlie Brown
Pessimist — *Eeyore the Donkey*

On the Other Hand: The Up Side of Pessimism

The pessimistic realization that not everything is moving in the right direction helps one rationalize the personal shortcomings we all have. Realizing that things outside one’s control could be the cause of problems is a comforting feeling, so people are attracted to it.

*A true pessimist is never without a full hazmat suit.*

Pessimists are often better prepared for tough times and may avoid risks that more optimistic thinkers might take.

Research has shown that pessimists tend to foresee obstacles more readily because they expect things to go wrong, meaning that they are more likely to plan for difficulties.

Pessimism can actually be a positive thing when it helps identify — or even anticipate — problems at work.

Also, being pessimistic can be helpful in that one won’t feel shocked when challenges arise; rather, they will be expected and can be prepared for.

A pessimist is a good choice for a leader when making financial forecasts in a challenging season. Any leader who has led through tough times will tell you the first step to stop the bleeding is by taking a worst-case scenario approach to budgeting.

One sort-of-related study found that while most successful entrepreneurs will call themselves optimists, optimistic entrepreneurs earn 30% less than pessimistic ones on average.

Defensive pessimism is considered a coping technique used by individuals who set low expectations for situations regardless of prior success. These negative expectations are used to alleviate anxiety about situations by motivating them to plan ways to avoid the chances of poor outcomes. Essentially, defensive pessimists expect and plan for the worst case scenario as a means to avoid it. And it works.

Advantages of Defensive Pessimism

Increased levels of self-esteem
More satisfaction
Better academic performance
More support
Better progress towards their goals

Optimism is considered by many to be the opposite of pessimism. And although there are some benefits to pessimism, I don’t recommend it as a life choice.

Optimists experience less distress than pessimists when dealing with difficulties in their lives.
Optimists suffer much less anxiety and depression.
Optimists adapt better to negative events (including coronary artery bypass surgery, breast cancer, abortion, bone marrow transplantation and AIDS).

(Watch this space for an upcoming blog on optimism!)

Bottom Line: Be aware of pessimistic tendencies and assess their helpfulness in a given situation.

DAISIES: USEFUL AS WELL AS ORNAMENTAL!

Posted on April 18, 2023April 19, 2023 by vlaw759

Didn’t know that artichokes are members of the daisy family? Lots of people don’t. There are many surprises in this enormous plant family. It boasts 1,911 genera and over 32,913 species! But even so, so what?

Well, it’s National Garden Month, and it turns out that the daisy family—a.k.a., the Asteraceae family and the Sunflower family—has gardeners covered for both food and beauty.

Note: The lists that follow are illustrative, not exhaustive!

Delicious Daisies

Have you had your daisy today? Dandelion greens? Probably not. Perfectly edible, they were introduced into the New World by European immigrants in the 1700s as a food source.

Artichoke
Daisy — *Artichokes are surprisingly pretty in the garden*

Today, not so much. But what about the following?

Lettuce (various varieties, cultivated for the last 5,000 years)
Endive
Chicory
Artichokes
Jerusalem artichoke (a.k.a. sunchoke, sunroot, earth apple)
Sunflowers
Safflower
Tarragon
Salsify
Stevia
Camomile
Sage
Absinthium

Medicinal Daisies

Chamomile
Daisy — *Chamomile being harvested for tea*

People use daisies to make all sort of medicines: antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, antimicrobial, diuretic, wound healing, and more. According to the World Health Organization, over 80% of the world’s population depend on traditional and folk medicine. Agata Rolnik and Beata Olas have written a fascinating study of the many ways plants in the daisy family can protect human health. Some daisies frequently used for health purposes include the following:

Wormwood
Camomile
Dandelion
Yarrow
Tansy
Milk thistle
Echinacea

Beautiful Daisies

Though plants in the daisy family are often also edible or medicinal, many people know them primarily for their beauty, for example daisies, dahlias, and coreopsis. But also including:

Gerbera daisies
Shasta daisy
Asters
Calendula
Zinnia
Chrysanthemum (also has insecticidal properties)
Marigold (a.k.a. German stinkblumen)
Carnation
Coreopsis
Brown/black eyed daisies

Commercially Important Daisies

French Marigold
Daisies — *French Marigold*

A wide array of plants in the daisy family are grown for commercial use. They’re everywhere, including food crops, cooking oils, sweetening agents, coffee substitutes, and herbal teas, as well as all the members of the asteraceae family that florists rely on. One that surprised me is the French marigold, used in commercial poultry feed and produces oils used in colas and the cigarette industry.

Common marigolds – insect repellent
Chrysanthemum – produces insecticides
Guayule – hypoallergenic latex

Daisies for Beekeepers

Red Sunflower
Daisy Family — *Red Sunflower*

Colorful, fragrant daisies attract all manner o pollinators, particularly bees. Beekeepers often plant members of the asteraceae family to keep their bees happy.

Sunflowers
Knapweed
Some species of goldenrod (for an especially high protein pollen)

Daisy Black Sheep

Not every variety of the daisy family finds a warm welcome, for various reasons.

Dandelions, as a robust weed and cause of contact dermatitis
Ragweed causes so-called hay fever
Ox-eye daisy, causes both contact and inhalant allergy
Any-pollen heavy plant can aggravate rhinitis for allergy sufferers

Overall

Mutant Daisies — *Some daisies are just weird.*

Daisies are old: they were first described in 1740. But the oldest known fossils are pollen grains dated to c. 76-66 million years ago. The family is huge: 1911 genera and at least 32,913 named species. It is arguably the largest plant family, possibly rivaled by orchids. Both families are too big to count. They’re everywhere, on every continent except Antarctica. I’ve focused on flowers and herbs, but it also includes shrubs, vines, and trees.

Bottom line: Whatever the garden needs, consider the Daisy family!