People are funny, strange, and wondrous creatures! Just read on.
Hobbies
Estimates are that 400,000-500,000 people in the U.S,—more than 95% of them women—play Mah Jong with the National Mah Jong League card. Another 350,000,000 play thirteen versions of Mah Jong in Asia. Game experts have long recognized mah jong as the world’s most played game, with an estimated player base in Asia, Europe, and North American ten times bigger than poker.
Who are the most optimistic pet owners in the U.S.? Tortoise owners, because tortoises can live 80-150 years! (I couldn’t find a number specifically for tortoise owners, but approximately 18% of American households keep tortoises or turtles as pets.)
Only 1-2% of the U.S. population has gone skydiving at least once.
Rock climbing? It depends on what type of climbing you are looking at. Women are 59% of sports climbers, but only 39% of those in mountaineering, ice, and traditional climbing combined. Then there is indoor vs. outdoor climbers, and boulderers, each of which have different gender makeups.
Among U.S. households, 52% have at least one person, age 5 or older, who is currently playing a musical instrument. Two-thirds of Americans (66%) learned to play a musical instrument at some point in their lives. The most popular musical instrument is the guitar. The double bass is probably the least played instrument.
The average American spends only 19 minutes a day reading. The average number of books read by adults over the age of 65 is higher than any other age group, at around 20 books per year. Men tend to read non-fiction books more often than women.
Men tell more jokes professionally than women do. In the United States, 11.3% of stand up comedians are women and 88.7% of stand up comedians are men. Over an 11 year period, these percentages have shifted approximately 2% in favor of women. Systemic sexism in the industry (venue directors reluctant to book female comedians, backstage abuse, pay disparities, hostile crowds, etc.) are a bigger driver in this divide than any difference in innate funniness.
Research on liking and loving between engaged couples found that the men loved their partners more than they liked them. The women both liked and loved their partners.
Women survive famine and epidemics better than men. On the other hand, research has shown that women disproportionately suffer the impacts of disasters, severe weather events, and climate change.
One study found that men with longer ring fingers than index fingers had slightly longer penises. However, the common misconception that hand size predicts penis size has been widely discredited.
Research shows that women with larger breasts tend to have higher estrogen levels; breast size may therefore serve as an indicator of potential fertility.
Health
Approximately 60% of people are side sleepers. Only about 7% are stomach sleepers—which is fortunate, because stomach sleeping is the least healthful position.
A feel-good life is not necessarily a healthy one. Stress can be good for us. Stress is a powerful motivator. It can enhance your resilience and problem-solving skills, strengthen relationships, promote personal growth and self-improvement, and improve cognitive function.
Female pattern baldness affects about one-third of all women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB). The chances of getting female pattern baldness increase with age.
Caucasians experience the most hair loss; people of Afro-Caribbean heritage tend to experience the next highest levels of hair loss, with Asian men having the lowest hair loss rates.
On average, male pattern baldness begins in the late twenties to early thirties. By the age of 50, approximately 50% of men will experience some degree of hair loss.
For both men and women, pattern baldness tends to cluster in families. Having a close relative with patterned hair loss appears to be a risk factor for developing the condition.
Outlook
Nationally forty-seven percent of Americans are either very or somewhat optimistic, while the other 53 percent are more inclined to be somewhat or very pessimistic about the future.
Speaking in a foreign language might change your decisions or the reasons for those decisions.
In addition, speaking multiple languages gives a person a sense of reality and identity that is separate from monolinguals and monoculturals.
US research published in the Journal of Consumer Research indicates bilinguals may unconsciously switch personalities depending on the language they are using.
The type of music you listen to affects the way you perceive the world. According to results from a 2014 study done by Laura Getz and colleagues, those with a higher perceived idea of stress and those with higher optimism preferred more upbeat and popular music. Both also used this kind of music for emotional regulation.
Wisco and Nolen-Hoeksema (2009) found that those who were already unhappy had more negative memory associations [to songs] than those who were not unhappy.
The food you make may not taste the same as the food someone else makes, despite following the same recipe. Minor differences in things like water hardness and oven temperature affect flavor, but the diner’s experience (happy or sad occasion, food presentation, level of hunger, speed of eating, etc.) also changes the taste of food.
Research indicates that those eating with others eat up to 48% more food than solo diners. This phenomenon is known as ‘social facilitation’.
Beyond urns, there are many options for ashes: made into jewelry, or different types of objects, such as glass art, sculptures, diamonds, keychains, or hunting bullets. You can even turn your loved one’s ashes into a vinyl album or get them tattooed into your own skin. Of course, many people choose to scatter cremains in special places.
Bottom Line: Whatever you want to know about human behavior or characteristics, someone has studied it and shared those answers online.
There’s a lot of it! Cautioning that federal spending had a way of getting out of control, Erik Dirksen reportedly observed, “A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you’re talking real money.” In 2022, the value of currency in circulation in the United States amounted to roughly $2.26 trillion, a slight increase compared to the previous year.
These $10,000 bills were only in circulation from 1928 to 1934. Think the grocery store could make change?
Not surprising, money in the U.S. isn’t evenly distributed. Now the caveats:
(1) numbers vary, depending on year reported and source, but the patterns are stable.
(2) “Average” is usually the arithmetic average, or ”mean.” Averages tend to be skewed, pulled high or low by the extreme numbers. Often median is the more useful number: the median is the mid-point where half are higher and half are lower. For example, in 2024, the mean family income in Virginia was $123,883 while the median family income was $93,284.
Caveats aside, I hope you find what follows interesting.
American Wealth
America is, indeed, a rich country. According to an annual assessment of wealth and assets compiled and published by the Swiss bank Credit Suisse, in the middle of 2021, there were 56 million people worldwide whose assets exceeded one million US dollars. Over 40% lived in the United States .
So, worldwide, the United States is home to the largest number of millionaires: 22 million in 2023, representing 6.6 percent of the country’s population.
At the other end of the spectrum, in 2022, 41.89 million people in the U.S. were living in poverty. The most recent data from the US Census Bureau showed the national poverty rate at 11.5%. To put that into perspective, that’s 37.9 million people living in poverty in America.
About 50 million Americans are “poor”: i.e., they have household incomes below 125% of poverty, including more than 15 million children. In 2022, household incomes below 125% of poverty correspond to annual incomes below $34,500 for a family of four or $17,500 for an individual.
Just as being poor isn’t identical with living in poverty, having a million dollars isn’t the same as being “rich.”
For example, you may be considered rich if you’re in the nation’s top 1% of earners. In 2022, that group saw an average annual income from wages of $785,968—nearly 19 times higher than the bottom 90%, according to the Economic Policy Institute. The top 5% of income earners make $335,891 per year.
American Net Worth
Another measure of wealth is net worth. Net worth is the difference between the values of your assets and liabilities. The average American net worth is $1,063,700, as of 2022. Net worth averages increase with age from $183,500 for those 35 and under to $1,794,600 for those 65 to 74.
A high-net-worth individual, or HNWI, might be defined differently among certain financial institutions. But in all cases, a high-net-worth individual is someone with a large amount of wealth. Typically, a high-net-worth individual has assets of between $1 million and $5 million. To be considered very high net worth, one might need assets ranging from $5 million to $10 million, while an ultra-high net worth would require $30 million or more.
According to Schwab’s Modern Wealth Survey, in 2023, Americans said that it takes an average net worth of $2.2 million to qualify a person as being wealthy—i.e., high-net-worth according to the above labels.
Rich or Wealthy?
There’s a difference between being rich and being wealthy. Wealth is all about the money you hold onto. Being rich is having things: the nice house, car, clothes. And free time. We’re all familiar with “Time is money.” For the rich, money is time, time available to do whatever one pleases.
Two studies consistently found that rich people are more conscientious, open to experience, and extraverted than the average population. They are also less agreeable (that is, less likely to shy away from conflict) and less neurotic (as in, more psychologically stable).
Traits of rich people (from sources across the web)
The rich are often quieter than the poor because they have less to worry about. Money can buy you food, shelter, and a financially secure future. It can also buy you freedom from want and fear. When you have enough money, you don’t have to worry about where your next meal is coming from or whether you’ll be able to pay your rent. Wealthy people don’t have to live with the constant fear that a single illness, car malfunction, or unexpected bill will send them spiraling into homelessness.
Poor or Impoverished?
Though America is one of the wealthiest countries in the world, huge swaths of the population are only one or two paychecks away from financial disaster. Living near or below the poverty line has drastic effects on peoples’ mental and physical health, some of which show up as behavioral patterns. People who cannot afford to lose their jobs are more likely to put up with bad conditions at work. Taking the bus to work and doing your own home cleaning and repairs leaves very little time or energy to visit with friends. Not being able to afford seeing a doctor often means minor ailments develop into serious health complaints. If your mind is consumed with how to pay the electric bill and afford medication, you’re liable to pay less attention to international politics.
Matthew Desmond makes the argument that American poverty is the result of deeply-rooted societal practices and the byproduct of government policies.
Traits of impoverished people
Likely to develop chronic stress health conditions (heart disease, diabetes, etc.)
Adaptability
Focus on short-term goals
Innovation
Community involvement
Tendency to unhealthy coping mechanisms (alcohol, drugs, etc.)
Missing work or obligations due to unreliable transportation
Shorter lifespans
Empathy
Lack of access to routine healthcare
Patience
Malnutrition or poor diet
Lack of trust in institutions
Wide-ranging skill sets
Have less time for hobbies or social engagement
Lower sense of control
Children Without Money
Children who grow up without financial stability are more likely to develop a myriad of health issues, including depression, asthma, diabetes, PTSD, obesity, lack of impulse control, and delayed cognitive and social development. Poverty can drastically impact a child’s performance in school. A person who grows up in poverty will likely continue to feel the echoes of these ills into adulthood.
Signs of Poverty & Neglect in Children:
Poor hygiene and general lack of cleanliness
Inappropriate uniform, shoes, or clothing
Lack of food provided or money for food
Malnutrition
Missing school equipment or other required items
Poor or inappropriate living conditions
Negative impact on mental health and self-worth
Tiredness or inability to concentrate at school
Stealing or taking things to use, eat, or sell
Being left home alone
Signs of Poverty
Signs of Neglect
Parents requesting support from school
No or limited access to health care
Children working jobs outside school
Repeated absence from school
Children concerned about parents and situation
Lack of parental involvement
Many of the signs are the same for both neglect and poverty.
Does Money Buy Happiness?
The folk wisdom is that money can’t buy happiness, but the lack of it can “buy” a lot of misery.
And, actually, self-reports of life satisfaction indicate that as income/money goes up, so does satisfaction, although at the high end, there are diminishing returns. More money is associated with more happiness for most, but not all, people. For 80% of people, happiness continues to rise with income past $75,000.
And much depends on where you start. “If you’re rich and miserable, more money won’t help,” said Matthew Killingsworth in a UPenn release. Further, the extent to which money affects happiness differs for people with different levels of emotional well- being. According to the UPenn release, the collaborative 2021 paper found that “for the least happy group, happiness rises with income until $100,000, then shows no further increase as income grows. For those in the middle range of emotional well-being, happiness increases linearly with income, and for the happiest group, the association actually accelerates above $100,000.”
John Jennings gave a great summary in Forbes: “While the link between income and happiness is real, it’s modest and conditional. We must be careful not to overemphasize money’s role in happiness. Happiness is a complex topic involving various factors —money being just one of them. Genetics, health, relationships, leisure time, and purpose likely matter more for well-being than dollars alone.
“As the Beatles sang, ‘Money can’t buy me love.’ Yet, used wisely, money can enhance our sense of well-being and improve our lives.”
How Do You View Money?
In my opinion, people in the United States have a skewed view of money. Between depictions of wealth and “the good life” in the media, not to mention the incomes publicized for professional athletes and others, there’s a tendency to think more is always better.
For people living in poverty or just above, life is hand-to-mouth, and there is virtually no wiggle-room. For the rest of us, we should look at our relationship with money and its place in our lives. Many years ago, I read Your Money or Your Life (Dominguez & Robin, 1992). I highly recommend it for getting one’s head on straight about money.
Bottom Line: Consider the place of money in your life and make the most of both money and your life.
For purposes of this blog, I’ve used one of the many dictionary definitions of a lie: an assertion of something known or believed by the speaker or writer to be untrue, intended to deceive. In spite of the generally held belief that lying is a bad thing, and all the admonishments of “thou shalt not lie,” people do—surprisingly often! How often? On average, a person lies 11 time per week.
At four years of age, 90% of kids understand the meaning of lying. Typically, a child tells his or her first lie between ages 2 and 3.
Parents are the primary victims of lying, with 86% of lies being told to them.
Second to parents are friends, lied to 75% of the time.
Siblings are the third most lied to, accounting for 73% of victims.
The fourth most lied to are our spouses, lied to 69% of the time.
12% of people 18 and older lie sometimes or quite often.
Online, people lie most often on dating sites, where 90% of participants engage in untruthfulness.
On CVs and resumes, 31% of people admit to lying.
On average, people tell six lies every day, whether to supervisors, partners, spouses, or workmates.
80% of women tell half-truths on occasion.
Lying on a phone call during voice chat is 70% more likely than a face-to-face chat.
10% of all lies can be defined as exaggerations, though 60% of all those lies are considered to be deceptive.
Of all liars, 70% of them say they are willing to do it again.
Don’t Lie at the Doctor’s Office!
Lying to a medical provider can cause serious problems with your health!
Doctors hear many lies; 13% of patients admit to lying when talking to their physicians. This could be regarding the number of times one has smoked tobacco, taken medication, or engaged in intimacy without protection.
Medical providers consider stretching the truth to be a form of lying, an occurrence committed by 32% of all patients at hospitals and healthcare centers.
30% of patients have lied about their exercise routine and food-eating habits.
Doctors and nurses can tell when you’re lying.
Lying Research
In a study of 11,366 lies told by 632 people over 91 days, 75% of them lied between 0 or 2 times per day. 6% of the participants had low lying levels, though they lied more often on some days at random. In total, most of the lies were trivial, such as lying about how well one’s day was going.
Interestingly, one study found a link between truthfulness and health. Participants who refrained from telling any lies for ten weeks experienced improvements in their physical and mental health. Those in the control group experienced no such improvements.
During most communication, only 10% of the lies people tell are major lies. 90% of the time, the lies are trivial.
When the Lies Come Out
Everyone lies at times. When meeting someone for the first time, a person will lie to them twice or 3 times within a ten-minute time frame.
60% of people lie at least once in a 10-minute conversation.
Men lie 6 times a day on average, while women lie 3 times a day on average.
80% of women admit to lying to their partner about their spending habits.
50% of teenagers admit to lying to their parents about their whereabouts.
81% of people lie about their height, weight, or age online.
Some politicians might be skewing these averages…
6. Politicians lie on average once every five minutes during a debate.
One study found that people are more likely to lie in the afternoon than in the morning, suggesting that willpower and self-control may play a role in our honesty levels throughout the day.
In another study, researchers studied lies over a brief period. The variety of people’s lies tended to fluctuate. People who lie more often show greater variation than those who lie less often. The top 1% of all liars (who lied 17 times each day) had the most variance. The participants with little variance were the 1%, with nearly no instances of lying.
Why Do People Lie?
Lying allows a person to establish perceived control over a situation by manipulating it. It’s a defense mechanism that (seemingly) prevents them from being vulnerable, that is, to not open up and reveal their true self to another person.
Everyone knows that not all lies are the same. For example, the statistic above that only 10% of lies were serious. But how else can they be classified?
“I’d love to come to your party, but I have to walk my fish.”
21% of people lie to avoid being around other people
20% of people lie to be humorous, such as when telling a joke or making a prank
Self-protection is the reason for 14% of people who lie
13% of liars do so to make a good impression on others, or to appear more favorable to them
11% of liars do it to protect someone else
Personal gain or benefits are the reason that 9% of people tell lies
2% of liars do it with the sole intent to hurt someone else
5% of liars are unspecified, doing it for no stated reason
Fear of punishment is the most common reason for lying, with 27% of people admitting to it.
23% of people lie to protect themselves or others from harm
20% of people lie to avoid embarrassment or shame
14% of people lie to gain power or advantage over others
9% of people lie out of habit or compulsion
Who Do People Lie To?
56% of people admit to lying to their boss or supervisor.
42% of people have lied to their significant other about something significant.
39% of people have lied to their friends at least once.
28% of people have lied to a healthcare provider.
23% of people have lied to their children.
18% of people have lied on a job application.
White Lies
These are the most common type of lie, with 72% of people admitting to telling them. People often tell harmless white lies to be polite or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
“What a great gift. I love it. Really.”
Lies about personal accomplishments:
64% of people admit to lying in this way. These can include exaggerating one’s own achievements or skills, or taking credit for something they didn’t do.
Lies about emotions:
63% of people admit to telling these kinds of lies. These can include pretending to be happy when you’re really upset, or saying something doesn’t bother you when it really does.
Lies about whereabouts:
60% of people admit to lying about where they are at any given time. This could be because they don’t want others to know where they are, or because they want to appear more interesting than they actually are.
Target of Our Lies
According to a survey conducted by Statista in 2020, many people report that they have been lied to by someone they know:
Friends: 80%
Romantic partners: 70%
Family members: 69%
Coworkers: 64%
Acquaintances: 40%
Interestingly, the survey also found that people were more likely to be lied to by someone they knew than by a stranger. (Or maybe those are just the lies they know about!)
The Most Common Lies People Tell
“I’m fine.” This is perhaps the most common lie people tell, with 60% of people admitting to telling this lie. Often used as a response to the question “How are you?” when they’re really not feeling okay.
“I’m right around the corner, honest!”
“I’ll be there in five minutes.” This lie is told by 40% of people, and it’s often used when running late or stuck in traffic.
“I’m on my way.” 35% of people admit to using this lie when they’re not even close to leaving their current location.
“I didn’t see your message/call.” This is a common excuse for not responding to messages or calls, and 30% of people admit to using it.
“I have read and agree to the terms and conditions.” This lie is often used when signing up for online services, with 25% of people admitting to not actually reading the terms and conditions before agreeing to them. (I’m surprised this number isn’t higher; experts estimate we’d have to spend an average of 250 hours every year if we actually read all the terms and conditions we agree to!)
The Consequences of Lies: Damaged Trust, Legal Consequences, and More
Lying can damage trust and relationships. In a study conducted by the University of California, Santa Barbara, participants who were told that their partner had lied to them in a game were less likely to cooperate with their partner in future interactions.
“So tell me more about your experience curing cancer and solving world hunger.”
Lying can have negative effects on mental health. Research has found that individuals who frequently lie experience more anxiety, depression, and stress than those who are more honest.
Lying can lead to legal consequences. In a survey conducted by the American Management Association, 21% of respondents reported that they had been involved in a lawsuit where lying was a contributing factor.
Lying can damage one’s reputation and credibility. A CareerBuilder study found that 58% of employers have caught an employee lying on their resume, which could lead to termination or difficulty finding future employment opportunities.
Lying can become a habit, and frequent liars may find themselves telling lies even when there is no real benefit to doing so. This can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety, as well as damage to personal relationships. Additionally, some people may have a pathological tendency to lie, which can be indicative of deeper psychological issues.
Psychology of Lies
To truly understand the psychology of lying, it is important to examine the underlying emotional and psychological factors that contribute to the behavior. By doing so, we can gain a greater understanding of how lying impacts our lives and the lives of those around us.
While lying is a common human behavior, some people lie more frequently than others. Here are some reasons why this might be the case:
Certain personality traits, such as narcissism or low self-esteem, may lead individuals to lie more frequently.
Growing up in an environment where lying is normalized or even encouraged can make it more likely for individuals to adopt the same behavior.
People who have experienced trauma or abuse may use lying as a coping mechanism to protect themselves or avoid further harm.
Although lying can serve a purpose in the short term, it can also have negative consequences on one’s personal and professional life. Frequent lying can damage trust and relationships with others, lead to legal issues, and cause mental health problems like anxiety and guilt.
How to Catch Lies
People tend to give verbal or physical “tells” when they aren’t being truthful.
“And then, uh, the, um, the banana peel I slipped on, er, a dog ate it. Yeah, and then, uh, all the lights went out and so, um, nobody could see it. And that’s how I lost my pants!”
Being vague and offering few details
Repeating questions before answering them
Repeating the same story over and over
Speaking in sentence fragments
Explaining things in strict chronological order
Sounding like they are repeating a rehearsed script
Failing to provide specific details when a story is challenged
Failing to give a straightforward response to a simple yes or no question
Grooming behaviors such as playing with hair or pressing fingers to lips
Physical changes that indicate a fight-or-flight response, like increased sweating, muscle tension, restlessness, and fidgeting
The consequences of lying are not as simple as they might seem. People often think that lies breed contempt and guilt, but they do much more.
The Upside of Lying?
They foster relationships, build trust, destroy social networks, create social networks, make people more creative, and influence how often other people lie.
Lie is a harsh word. Often people soften the act for their own self-concept or to minimize negative fallout.
For example, here are a few of the many synonyms for telling lies:
Fool
Trick
Tease
Kid
Mislead
Spoof
Bluff
Con
Misinform
Take someone in
String someone along
Blur the truth
Pull someone’s leg
Fake someone out
Bottom Line: Virtually everyone lies. Some motives are more benign than others. Some consequences are more serious than others. Not all lies can be painted with the same brush!
I think the best of people, always—until proven wrong. Maybe that’s why I believe that virtually all rudeness is unintended. If I’m right, why do so many people, so often, behave rudely?
Rudeness can take many forms. It is generally defined as a display of disrespect, a breaking of social norms or expectations, a breach of etiquette, or ignoring “accepted” behavior. It can also mean someone behaving inconsiderately or aggressively.
People are not always aware of how their words or actions are perceived by others, and they may not intend to be rude.
THE DIMENSIONS OF RUDE
As with any other behavior, there are two dimensions to rudeness: intentional or unintentional, acts of omission and commission. In this blog, I’m dealing with unintentional acts of commission or omission.
By that I mean unintentional rudeness caused by something you did and rudeness resulting from something you failed to do. Either way, you didn’t mean to offend anyone, but offend them you did. It’s the perception of the other person that determines whether a statement or action is rude.
ACTING RUDELY (COMMISSION)
People like to feel that they matter. When they tell a story, or have a conversation, they like to feel that you care about it, and you’re interested in it. Most offense comes when you don’t show interest in their lives, or don’t show interest in what they’re saying.
Some conversation partners make it abundantly clear when they’re not interested.
Interrupting in the middle of their stories
Showing visible signs of boredom or distraction
Abruptly changing the subject
Finishing someone else’s story when talking to a third person
Making a joke or interjecting your own comments
Finishing someone else’s sentences
Otherwise drawing attention to yourself and away from the speaker
Walking away while the other person is still talking
Scanning the room when you are supposed to be listening
Checking your cell phone or smart watch (no matter how surreptitious you think you’re being)
Actually taking a call when you are supposed to be playing bridge, participating in a book discussion, or whatever
Then there are occasions when you are rude by inattention, like getting into a checkout line without noticing that someone else was in line a step or two back.
Rudeness may be the lesser offense in some situations.
Perhaps you’ve taken a seat where someone else was sitting when that person intended to resume the seat.
Consider a time when you had a cold, allergies, or similar symptoms. You coughed, sneezed, etc. You may have wanted to be friendly by shaking hands when leaving, but offering a germy hand is actually rude.
Avoid Being Rude by Commission
Many people behave these ways. To avoid being seen as rude, at least act like you care. Listen to people. Let them speak. Act like you care about what they’re saying. Give them positive feedback, like a smile, or nodding your head. This may seem fake, but it is social intelligence, which separates popular people from unpopular people. Popular people often understand how to make other people feel good, and most of all, they care enough to do it
RUDE BY OMISSION
Just because you didn’t intend to cause a car accident doesn’t mean you won’t be hit.
Your cell phone rings at an inappropriate time—e.g., during a play, concert, lecture, because you failed to turn it off. You didn’t intend to be disruptive, but unintentional rudeness is still rudeness. And, unfortunately, it is very easy to commit.
Not responding promptly to an e-mail, text, or voice message. This kind of passivity is rude! (Note: promptness is a social construct and can vary widely. See below.)
Not responding/acknowledging what you consider a distant event but others see otherwise. For example, not sending a card (or check) when your sister’s stepdaughter’s stepson graduates from high school.
Not sending holiday greetings.
Not welcoming/admiring someone’s pet or plant, art or outfit, or the arrival of his/her twelfth great-grandchild.
Avoid Being Rude by Omission
It helps to signal that you’re actively listening: make eye contact, ignore distractions, maintain alert posture, keep ears up, wag tail…
The secret to not being rude by omission again lies in making other people feel like they matter. This can often be as simple as paying attention to what others see as important. If a friend mentions their pet lizard frequently, constantly sends photos of their garden, or voices worries about an upcoming medical appointment, they probably see those things as fairly significant. Acknowledging or asking about something subjectively important goes a long way toward establishing yourself as a polite person.
If someone sends you holiday greetings, send a message in response. If someone has done you a favor, thank them. Keep in mind that, if someone has to remind you about a message they sent or question they asked, perhaps they’re sending you a gentle message that they’d prefer more prompt responses from you.
SOURCES OF UNINTENTIONAL RUDENESS
Invading personal space may not be a choice.
Many things beyond our control can cause us to be rude unintentionally.
Mental health issues, such as anxiety
Substance use/abuse
Low self-esteem or insecurity
Lack of social skills
Being distracted because of:
Stress
Pressure
Frustration
Any source of unhappiness
Physical limitations such as low-vision or deafness
Not considering or understanding the impact of one’s words or behavior, including tone of voice, facial expression, and other such paraverbal “language.”
SUBJECTIVELY UNDERSTOOD RUDENESS
It may be perfectly fine to smoke somewhere else.
There can be cultural differences to consider as well. For example, in Japan, something as seemingly innocent as laughing with your mouth open is a no-no. In many areas of the Middle East, showing someone the soles of your feet is an insult. So, it’s important to be aware of these possibilities, especially if you are in a culturally diverse situation or setting.
And then there are sub-cultural differences. For example, among ladies of a certain age and upbringing, not sending hand-written thank-you notes is rude. But among teens or college students, a text saying “Thanks a bunch” is likely considered acceptable and sufficient.
Other behaviors particularly prone to sub-cultural differences or expectations include:
Sometimes, rudeness is just a matter of translation.
Arriving late, and how late
Cursing
Slurping food
Wearing clothes that are inappropriate or offensive
Taking a call
Expressing religious or political opinions
Talking about finances
Interrupting
Directly criticizing someone else’s appearance
Finishing or not finishing food on your plate
Accepting or not accepting displays of hospitality
Talking about health/illness
Smoking
Talking about people who aren’t present
The best way to avoid being unintentionally rude is observing the current situation and picking up on social cues.
DEALING WITH RUDE PEOPLE
When trying to decrease rudeness around you, start by being a good role model. Don’t ignore it, because it won’t go away. Deal directly (but privately) with the culprit, perhaps by asking what the person intended; then follow-up with “When you xxx, it makes others feel yyy.”
When in doubt, it’s always best to hire a sky-writer.
Whether to apologize after realizing you’ve been rude is a personal decision. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, the relationship,
You can try moving on, ignoring the offense but making efforts not to repeat it.
You may need to acknowledge the offense with a simple, “Sorry; I’ll try to do better in the future.”
For a more serious offense, you may need to offer a written mea culpa, with or without a peace token.
However, if you’re dealing with petty people, people who take offense just for the sake of being offended, don’t reward that behavior!
HOW TO STOP BEING UNINTENTIONALLY RUDE
Stop hanging out with bad influences.
If you frequently feel you’ve been rude—or people have told you you are—and it is truly unintentional, consider whether there is a pattern to your rudeness.
Does it typically happen around particular people or family members?
Are particular topics the trigger?
Is it job related?
Have you had enough sleep?
Are you rude when you already feel angry or hungry or irritable?
Finding patterns may help you find a root cause and deal with it.
In addition, my advice would be to be present. Pay attention to people and what they are saying. Look for social or situational cues. Avoid simultaneously trying to solve some other problem on your mind.
Finally, assume other peoples’ rudeness is unintentional and don’t take offense if you can manage that.
INTENTIONAL RUDENESS
Just because it’s funny doesn’t mean it’s not also rude.
This isn’t something I’ve taken up here. But in my opinion, those behaviors might better go by a different name. “Rudeness” can be a way to display power within a family, social or work setting. Or it could be an attempt to get your own way on something. Or maybe you could be trying simply to provoke a reaction.
This is closely related to bullying.
Then there is “mean” behavior which aims to hurt or deprecate someone.
Alternatively, being deliberately offensive can be a way of discouraging future interactions.
Bottom Line: Rudeness is everywhere. In my opinion, it’s usually unintentional. My rule of thumb: If small children do not die, it isn’t really important. Chill.
The United States—indeed, the world—is rife with conflict, aggression, and violence. Never has it been so important to be able to de-escalate tense situations. Everyone can, and should learn de-escalation skills.
What is it? According to the Department of Homeland Security, it’s the use of communication or other techniques during an encounter to stabilize, slow, or reduce the intensity of a potentially violent situation without using physical force, or with a reduction in force.
Medical De-Escalation
The Texas Medical Liability Trust suggests several steps appropriate for medical settings, but they seem to me to apply more generally. For examples and possible responses, see their website.
Tone + Volume + Rate of speech + Inflection of voice = Verbal De-Escalation Tone: Speak calmly to demonstrate empathy. Volume: Monitor your volume and avoid raising your voice. Rate of Speech: Slower can be more soothing. Inflection: Be aware of emphasizing words or syllables as that can negatively affect the situation.
Instead Of…
Say…
“Calm down.”
“I can see that you are upset…”
“I can’t help you.”
“I want to help, what can I do?”
“I know how you feel.”
“I understand that you feel…”
“Come with me.”
“May I speak with you?”
Non-Verbal De-Escalation
Verbal cues to de-escalate a situation mean nothing if they’re accompanied by aggressive body language. The DHS recommends using these body language cues to de-escalate a situation.
Instead Of…
Try…
Standing rigidly directly in front of the person
Keeping a relaxed and alert stance off to the side of the person
Pointing your finger
Keeping your hands down, open, and visible at all times
Excessive gesturing or pacing
Using slow, deliberate movements
Faking a smile
Maintaining a neutral and attentive facial expression
De-Escalation Abroad
I mentioned that situations calling for de-escalation are worldwide. The following appears on the website of the New South Wales Department of Health in Australia:
When there are signs of anger or verbal aggression it is important to remember that
You need to stay calm.
Anger may be a sign that the person is in distress, experiencing fear or frustrated.
It is not possible to reason or problem solve with someone who is enraged.
Effective communication skills are the key to settling, resolving and de-escalating a situation.
A good way to remember this is to “LOWLINE.” Use the strategies below to de-escalate a situation:
Listen to what the issue is and the person’s concerns.
Offer reflective comments to show that you have heard what their concerns are.
Wait until the person has released their frustration and explained how they are feeling.
Look and maintain appropriate eye contact to connect with the person.
Incline your head slightly, to show you are listening and give you a non-threatening posture.
Nod to confirm that you are listening and have understood.
Express empathy to show you have understood.
It is not your job to stop the person being angry, but these steps may help to make the person feel calmer. It is only then that you can look at how to deal with the situation and their concerns.
Law Enforcement
Some of the most widely publicized situations when de-escalation is (or should be) used involve law-enforcement.
High-profile, deadly confrontations between law enforcement officers and civilians generate widespread public concern. Public officials and policy makers from across the political spectrum have embraced de-escalation training as the key to safer interactions between police and the public.
According to Dr. Robin Engel, a professor of criminal justice at the University of Cincinnati, “De-escalation training teaches officers to think about use of force in different ways. Instead of, ‘Can I use force?,’ the question becomes, ‘Should I use force?’”
Also, according to Engel, “We’re pushing this out into lots of places, and there’s a growing body of evidence that de-escalation training, if done properly, can make a police officer’s job safer.”
All of the above imply professional situations—police or corrections officers with civilians or prisoners, mental health workers with patients, etc. But consider family situations or disagreements, meeting with work colleagues, or issues with neighbors. The possibilities are endless.
Bottom Line: De-escalation techniques should be learned as a life skill. They are likely to be your best bet for keeping a bad situation from getting worse.
Today? Yesterday? Every day? Tax Day? If any of the pet peeves that follow tick you off, you’re not alone!
Table Manners
Some people’s table manners can be more easily excused than others
Open mouthed chewers
Slurping
Loud chewers
Slathering food with salt/ hot sauce/ketchup before even tasting it
Cracking gum
People talking with a full mouth
Chewing gum/cracking
Spitting
Talking about what you are eating
Demanding everyone wait and take 500 Instagram photos before eating
Phone Etiquette
Interrupting training with the shogun to answer your phone
Taking phone calls in public
Being on their phone too much
Facetiming without headphones
Staring at their phone rather than watching where they walk
Texting during a meal
Ending a call without saying good-bye
Ignoring an in-person companion in favor of a phone screen
Using speech-to-text in public
Constantly filming in public rather than engaging
All Around the House
Leaving overflowing ashtrays on every table and counter
Leaving the toilet seat up
Singing (badly) in the shower
Leaving empty containers in the fridge
Not replacing the toilet paper
Leaving lights or ceiling fans on
Being loud when someone in the house is trying to sleep
Leaving dirty dishes on counters or in sinks next to the dishwasher
Wearing shoes in the house
Leaving cupboard doors and drawers half open
Not closing bottles or other containers completely
Opening a new container before the old one is empty
Using things without permission, e.g. clothes, accessories, car
Not putting things away (clothes, sandwich-fixings, etc.)
Failing to throw away empty containers
Playing music or watching TV with the volume turned way up
Speaking Politely
Shouting everything they say through a megaphone
Interrupting
Finishing another’s sentences
Talking over one’s conversation partner
Talking too loudly
Turning the topic of every conversation back to oneself
Talking during a movie
Gratuitous swearing
Stopping the conversation to correct someone’s grammar
Talking to someone who is trying to read
Using LOL or OMG during a face-to-face conversation
Constantly talking about a particular obsession (health/diet/exes/etc.)
Saying “like” instead of “said” (I’m like, “Duh!”)
Treating every conversation like a monologue or performance
Any Time, Any Place
Walking three-abreast and blocking the entire sidewalk
Being habitually late
Self-entitled people
Attempting to control everyone and everything
The silent treatment
Encroaching on others’ space, particularly in crowded areas
Clicking a pen
Repetitive tapping
Cracking knuckles
Nose-picking
Mean-spirited gossip
Knee bouncing
Cutting in line
Littering
Unsolicited advice/recommendations
Constant throat clearing/coughing/sniffing
Passing gas or belching
Clipping nails in public
Does it Have to Take All Kinds?
People who leave their shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot
Particular family member(s)
Particular friend/acquaintance/neighbor
Surly servers/salespeople/cashiers
Dog owners who don’t train or pick up after their pet
People who cut in line
Grumpy people venting their bad mood on servers/salespeople/cashiers
Bad drivers
One uppers
Know-it-alls
Strangers (or friends) encroaching on your personal space
People who randomly command you to smile
Strangers calling you Honey or Sweetie
Standing up the minute a plane gets to the gate
Common Pet Peeves
A survey of 544 people conducted by Survey Monkey listed these top fifteen pet peeves at home and at work.
Bedmates who hog the entire bed and all the blankets despite being tiny and having their own fur coat
Leaving common spaces messy (63%)
Colleagues complain about their work and/or specific colleagues (53%)
Manager doesn’t give you credit when it’s deserved (50%)
Neglecting to take out the trash (45%)
Bedmate takes too much of the blanket (39%)
Colleagues show up late to meetings (33%)
Colleagues fail to recognize your contributions (31%)
Talking loudly over the phone (30%)
When a bedmate moves around too much (29%)
Taking food without asking for permission (24%)
Cooking something that smells unpleasant (22%)
Bedmate wakes you up early in the morning (22%)
Bedmate is on their phone or computer late at night (22%)
Playing music loudly (22%)
Occupying the kitchen for a long period of time (20%)
The results indicate that younger people (18-29) and older people (45-60) differ in their peevishness. Which group is more often peeved varied depending on the item.
More Specific Pet Peeves
A similar survey reported on PromoInfoTools found a lot of overlap with Survey Monkey, though some seem to be distinctive. (I’ve shortened or edited some of the answers for the sake of brevity.)
Drivers who don’t use their turn signal
Crunching! Especially on the phone.
People tailgating
People being hypocrites
When people don’t believe what I’m saying is true
People not showing up on time for appointments
People using items and then not putting them back where they found them
Being late for anything
When people do not take responsibility for their actions
When people take what is said at face value and jump to conclusions and judgements without doing their own research for the truth
People not putting their shopping cart back
Feeling unappreciated
Correcting or “cleaning up after” someone else’s mistake(s) or sloppy work
When someone interrupts me when I’m talking to interject what they want to share
When my time is wasted. Take my money, or my material items, but not my time.
People who categorize people by income, position held, school jocks and nerds, etc. We are all human and deserve to be treated as such, not by our categories.
Garbage not emptied when full in kitchen or bathroom(s)
Inconsiderate people
Roadside trash and the people who throw it out their windows
Wasting water
When people don’t make eye contact or acknowledge you when your paths cross
Being lied to and the person thinking they are getting one up on me
Lack of customer service
Being told someone will call back but they never do
Lack of communication
People hitting “reply all” on an e-mail when it should be directed to a specific person
Traffic
When the waiter interrupts my conversation to ask if I want more water
People who don’t get to work on time. It’s disrespectful to your coworkers!
People who can’t “stay in their lane” – Do your job, I’ll do mine
Lack of basic manners! Using please and thank you is all I ask
More people are interested in pet peeves than I ever imagined! If you are interested in a particular category of pet peeves, there’s probably a survey for that. For example…
Bottom Line: Pet peeves are everywhere! It’s important to note: something that’s a minor annoyance—or not at all annoying—for one person is especially irritating for another. Ask yourself if your pet peeves are worth the emotional toll they take. If so, find out how to deal with them. That advice is also available online!
I suppose there might be people out there who can file their annual tax returns stress-free. Congratulations! For the rest of us, condolences!
Money and Stress
In 1943, the US government enlisted the help of Donald Duck to educate Americans about how to pay their income tax and why it was important to the war effort.
“Money is a major source of stress on people, and what tax season does is shine a great big spotlight on the issue,” Michael McKee, a Cleveland Clinic psychologist and president of the U.S. branch of the International Stress Management Association, told WebMD. “Money takes center stage at tax time, even if you might have been able to push it to the wings the rest of the year.”
A 2004 survey sponsored by the American Psychological Association found that nearly three-quarters of Americans cited money as a significant source of stress. Money is also consistently among the top causes of marital contention, says Olivia Mellan, a psychotherapist and financial self-help author based in Washington, D.C.
Heightened Tax Stress
And nothing focuses us on money like tax time. Anyone can face the stress of having money due and too little money on hand. For those who itemize, there are additional sources of stress:
eFiling comes with the risk of computer glitches or internet lag affecting your tax returns.
The frustration of the forms’ language
Finding time to do the work
Filing for an extension
Missing documents
(This is a biggie. It could be anything, but it’s often receipts. I won’t go into the time my husband inadvertently threw away all of our 1099s.)
Then there are miscellaneous stresses:
You finally wedged a CPA appointment into a jammed schedule only to discover that said CPA has moved, you can’t find the office, miss the appointment, etc.
Your CPA retired last summer
A bigger accounting firm absorbed your old one and now communications are via a headquarters in South Carolina (or wherever)
Sources of Financial Stress
But virtually every item on the topic index is rife with sources of stress. These may or may not be directly related to the taxes due, but dealing with them at tax time could well trigger strong emotions. Here is a select list:
Tax season causes everyone financial stress. These stacks are just some of the $110,000,000 worth of stamps the IRS used to send out tax forms in 1914.
Alimony paid or received (or not)
…and associated hostility
Business use of home
…and the strain it puts on family
Casualty or theft loss
…and the aftermath of being a victim of crime
Child and dependent care expenses
…meeting them, but also finding such services in the first place, and possibly the precariousness of arrangements
Contributions
…a willing tithe to church, or possibly being pressured to support your alma mater
Education expenses
…and doubts about whether the degree is worth it
Foreign assets, expenses, taxes, and income
…and what to do about off-shore accounts and tax shelters, should you be one of those people
Gambling winnings (or losses)
…and whether to join Gamblers Anonymous
Gifts
…to whom and what and whether they were freely given
Medical and dental expenses
…and the trauma of diagnosis, surgery, recovery (or not)
This income is from an Etsy shop, right? Nothing nefarious to report here!
Miscellaneous income and adjustments
(They really expect people to report illegal income??)
Mortgage or education loan interest paid
…and the continuing burden from years ago
Moving expenses
…and whether the move was up or down, willing or forced
Sale of home, stock, or other capital assets
…and why the sale? Was the market down at the time or up?
Unemployment compensation
…and whether it was enough, whether it ended too soon, whether filing for it was humiliating
Sale of home, stock, or other capital assets
…and why the sale? Was the market down at the time or up?
Unemployment compensation
…and whether it was enough, whether it ended too soon, whether filing for it was humiliating
Whether taxes are justified …and if you ought to throw tea in the harbor to protest.
If you are filing a joint return, remember (and remind your spouse if necessary) not to displace anger/frustration rooted in the process.
Other Sources of Tax Stress
The Darius Vase depicts, among other scenes, the Royal Treasurer receiving taxes from conquered nations of the Persian Empire, circa 340 BCE.
Then, too, sometimes there are ongoing issues about money. For example, if one partner is a spender while the other partner is a saver and a worrier. This can result is resentment at tax time, when a couple may examine how their habits are affecting their lives and marriage.
“Of course, we all bring our individual emotional baggage to tax preparation. Fear of the government also emerges at tax time. Some clients of financial counselor Karen McCall are so afraid of the IRS that they won’t take even the most innocuous deduction. “They’re paralyzed because the IRS is an authority figure, and if they have unresolved issues around authority figures in their lives, that can cause a lot of fear.”
Sometimes, that fear of filing taxes stems from is understandable. As Michael McKee says, people who have been through audits can suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome during tax season for years afterward.
Avoiding Tax Stress
You may not be able to avoid all stress at tax time, but consider ways to lessen it. Mellan and McCall offered these tips in a WebMD article on coping with tax stress.
Little known fact: if you set all your money and assets on fire, you won’t have to declare them as assets to the IRS!
To avoid last-minute stress, file early and break up the job into little pieces, Mellan suggests. Do your taxes while listening to music or whatever else makes you feel relaxed.
For filers with math anxiety, Mellan recommends hiring a preparer or investing in tax software. Tax software typically collects information through an “interview” and the computer does all the calculations.
Fractious couples should strategize on ways to avoid chronic money fights, Mellan says. For example, try communicating financial information through notes or other modes that won’t carry an accusatory tone.
McCall suggests channeling tax-time stress into a resolution to track your finances more carefully. Better money management is the best way to avoid unpleasant surprises each year, she says.
Finally, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can turn to your buddies at the IRS. Options include filing an extension or setting up an installment plan for tax payment. For more details, visit the IRS website at www.irs.gov.
This would all be so much easier if the IRS explained taxes like they would to a preschooler.
Bottom Line: Tax time is stress time. You’ll just have to deal, starting with recognizing the danger zones and ameliorating as best you can.
According to Harvard University School of Public Health, 33% of adults in the U.S. are overweight and 36% are ob⁶ese. Although percentages vary, several sources claim two thirds of American adults are overweight or obese.
With these numbers, one might expect a certain amount of heft to be perceived as acceptable, perhaps even desirable. But not so. Instead, in the United States, labels like fupa, lard, chunker, fatso, and jelly belly are slapped on. And how is this for humor? A collective noun for a group of overweight/obese people: A blubber of fat lads.
Even people who are trying to be polite or helpful say things that sting:
Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet, the man responsible for the obesity epidemic (in a way).
Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet, a Belgian mathemetician, developed Quetelet’s Index (later called the Body Mass Index or BMI) in the 1842 as a method of determining the average measurements of French and Scottish men. Quetelet prized homogeneity and thought that the ideal person should be as close to the center of the statistical bell curve as possible. At the time of its creation, Quetelet was very clear that “Quetelet’s Index” was useful solely as a means of predicting the average body size of a population, not to measure or predict anything for an individual, including health.
In 1867, Mutual Life Insurance of New York started using an adaptation of Quetelet’s BMI tables to determine how much to charge policy holders. Within a few years, every insurance company in the market was using different BMI tables with wildly varying numbers to define “healthy” weights, which they then used to set prices for clients.
Even when Ancel Keyes adapted Quetelet’s original findings as a way for doctors to use during medical consultations, he admitted that the BMI was only accurate as measure of obesity about half the time. He also included data only from men, almost entirely white men from relatively wealthy countries.
These early limitations of the BMI calculator continue to cause serious challenges for those trying to use it as a diagnostic tool. Women’s bodies store fat differently than men’s bodies. The cut-offs for defining someone as overweight or obese vary widely among ethnic groups. Scientists created the BMI for children by simply extending downward the existing trend lines for small adults, which makes the data for children particularly unreliable. Older adults have different metabolic needs and may benefit from having a higher BMI altogether.
In 1995, the World Health Organization change the definitions of overweight and obese according to BMI. The American National Insitute of Health (NIH) adopted those standards in 1998; overnight, millions of people became overweight or obese without gaining a pound. This marked the start of the “obesity epidemic” and the “war on obesity” (which has not really had any effect on actual health.)
Obesity Today
“It’s not fat. It’s floof!”
Today, the NIH classifies about 1 in 11 adults (9.2%) as having severe obesity.
As a rule of thumb, you are likely morbidly obese if you are more than 100 lbs. over your ideal body weight or have a BMI of over 40.
Other obesity data reflect much of the data on other health issues.
Recent national data show that 54.8 percent of Black women and 50.6 percent of Hispanic women are obese compared to 38.0 percent of White women. Rates of obesity are also higher for Hispanic men, in the South and Midwest, in nonmetropolitan counties, and tend to increase with age. However, as discussed above, inherent problems in calculating BMI may misrepresent actual health of people in these populations.
Who Is Fat? Who Is Obese?
Kimberly Truesdale and June Stevensfound that perception of one’s own weight may be skewed. Surprisingly, to me, only 22.2% of obese women and 6.7% of obese men correctly classified themselves as obese.
How can this be? Fat people have all kinds of euphemisms for fat. (Curvy, plump, voluptuous, plus-size, zaftig, heavyset, Rubenesque, queen-size, large, thick, plush, stout, hefty, buxom, portly, ample-bodied, curvaceous, puffy, fluffy, etc.)
In the Media
As I reported in an earlier blog (September, 2020) Greenberg et al. reported on their findings of television actors’ BMI after analyzing 5 episodes of the top 10 prime time shows.
“The ears add ten pounds.”
In comparing television actors’ BMI to that of the American public, they found that only 25 percent of men on television were overweight or obese, compared to almost 60 percent of American men.
Almost 90 percent of women on TV were at or below normal weight, compared to less than 50 percent of American women.
Popular television shows that include people who are obese portray them as comedic, lonely, or freaks. Rarely if ever are they romantic leads, successful lawyers or doctors, or action stars.
In addition, shows like The Biggest Loser promote the perception that obesity is caused by individual failure rather than a mixture of individual, environmental, and genetic sources.
Weight and Mental Health
“Do these feathers make my bum look big?”
Defensive self-labeling aside, the results of fat shaming are apparent in many correlates of mental health. Societal stigmas and biases mean that carrying extra weight is hard on one’s mental health.
Socially competent people using better strategies for solving interpersonal problems are more readily accepted by peers and valued by adults. Obese individuals, especially teenagers, have deficits in several social skills, which lead to damage to relationships, lower self-esteem and devaluation by social agents.
Many individuals who are obese also struggle with issues related to their mood, self-esteem, quality of life, and body image. This emotional distress likely plays a role in treatment seeking but also can impact successful treatment.
Obesity is associated with a higher risk of having certain mental health disorders, including anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and eating disorders. Often, this relationship is due to the effects of weight discrimination.
People with a weight problem are more likely to feel alone and describe themselves as lonely. They may feel they might not ever meet the ‘right person’, feel uncomfortable with intimacy, feel they are being judged for their weight, and just want to hide sometimes.
Medical professionals are often guilty of fat-shaming. Patients seeking treatment for problems that have nothing to do with size are instead lectured about why they need to lose weight. As Aubrey Gordon says, “It is one of the great fears of my life, that I will die of a totally treatable or preventable thing because my doctor can’t conceive of me having any other health problem than just being a fat person. That is a fear that follows me every time I go into a doctor’s office.”
“Just getting ready for winter.”
The vast majority of people who are overweight or obese according to BMI also have some form of eating disorder, according to Dr. Erin Harrop at Denver University. However, because these patients don’t fit the common perception of looking dangerously thin, the medical establishment classifies thesm as having “atypical anorexia.” This distinction makes it much more difficult to receive an accurate diagnosis. Not only are doctors more reluctant to treat overweight patients with disordered eating, insurance companies are reluctant to cover those treatments.
The social and emotional effects of obesity include discrimination, lower wages, lower quality of life and a likely susceptibility to depression.
To be clear, the mental health issues that are correlated with being overweight or obese are caused by our fat-shaming culture. In societies where people value weight, these stigmas are not prevalent.
Does Personality Cause Obesity?
Who are these overweight and obese people?
In analyses of separate personality traits, openness and conscientiousness were significantly associated with obesity in men, and only agreeableness was associated with obesity in women.
“It’s just feathers. I’m cold!”
Introverts are more likely to be at a healthy weight. They have lower rates of obesity. In one study of nearly 2,000 people over a span of 50 years, extroverts were heavier than introverts, with more body fat, larger waists, and bigger hips.
The BIH has found positive associations between obesity and the personality traits neuroticism (OR: 1.02) and extraversion (OR: 1.01), and negative associations between obesity and openness to experience (OR: 0.97) and agreeableness (OR: 0.98). (Recall, a positive association means as one goes up, so does the other; a negative association means as one goes up, the other goes down.)
“It’s water weight!”
Although there is no single personality type characteristic of the morbidly obese, they differ from the general population as their self-esteem and impulse control is lower. They have passive dependent and passive aggressive personality traits, as well as a trend for somatization and problem denial.
Over-eating may be the result of self-sabotage. A person gets into a cycle of low self-worth and shame, using food to soothe. Obesity can also be seen as a way of showing the world ‘I am worth nothing, stay away, because I am bad.’
Researchers have found four characteristics that typify the ”overweight personality.” You may have low self-esteem, poor self-control (or even eat compulsively), experience mood swings, or be prone to depression and anxiety.
Physical Causes of Obesity
Genes contribute to the causes of obesity in many ways, by affecting appetite, satiety (the sense of fullness), metabolism, food cravings, body-fat distribution, and the tendency to use eating as a way to cope with stress. Some researchers believe they may have identified “missing” genes that potentially contribute to obesity.
It’s important to remember that obesity is a disease, and we shouldn’t blame individuals for it because the causes are not always something they can control. In other words, it’s not your fault if you are obese.
Obese and Healthy
Obesity is definitely a physical health hazard, but poor health is not necessarily inevitable. In a database at McGill University, about 15% or slightly over half a million people were categorized as being obese and metabolically healthy.
If a person is 300 pounds and does not have any other diseases or health complications, then that person is considered healthy. However, the chances of staying healthy with 300 pounds weight are low. Around 99% of individuals weighing this much suffer from several other health complications.
“There is a lot of data that says that fat people generally and fat women in particular postpone care because they know that they are going to be overtly, directly judged by their health care providers and they know that they will get substandard care because of that judgement.”
Essentially, people with obesity can still be healthy. However, what a McGill University study, and prior research, shows is that obesity even on its own carries a certain cardiovascular risk even in metabolically healthy individuals.
Some People Do Manage to Lose Weight
The annual probability of achieving normal body weight was 1 in 210 for men and 1 in 124 for women with simple obesity. The probability declined with increasing BMI category. In patients with morbid obesity, the annual probability of achieving normal weight was 1 in 1290 for men and 1 in 677 for women.
Good news! Children who successfully reduced weight may have equal levels of self-esteem or even better social self-esteem than those being always underweight/normal weight.
The disease of obesity, no matter what it means for your physical body, is not your whole self or your whole life. Obesity does not define you as a person.
Bottom Line: For many people, too much weight is a fact of life. Be aware of the possible (probable) effects of fat shaming on your mental wellbeing!
Procrastination has been my long-term companion, and I’ve got to tell you, it isn’t all bad. We procrastinate when we voluntarily put off an unpleasant task, often against one’s better judgment.
I have an attack of seasonal procrastination annually, at the end of the year. I have hundreds of carved wood Santas all over the public areas of the house, from Thanksgiving through Christmas. Crating them up again is definitely unpleasant. Procrastination allows me to enjoy my favorites longer!
I never want to see them packed away for another year!
We typically see procrastination as a bad thing. Research indicates that procrastination generally leads to lower-quality work performance reduced feelings of well-being. As a group, students who procrastinate get lower grades. Procrastinators put off a lot of unpleasant tasks, for example, getting medical treatments and diagnostic tests.
Why We Procrastinate
So why do it? (Or why not do it?)
Here are 5 reason for procrastination, according to Psychology Today.
Absence of structure
Unpleasant, boring tasks
Timing: when present activities are rewarding and longer-term outcomes are in the future
Lack of confidence about one’s ability to do the task
Anxiety: postponing getting started because of fear of failure
My personal favorite isn’t on this list: the ego-defensive function of feeling better about oneself. This related to #5 above. Whatever the outcome, the procrastinator can always say to him/her self, “Not bad for the amount of time I spent on it. Of course, I could do better.”
There is also, as in the case of crating away my Santas after Christmas, not wanting to do a task because we don’t really want it to be done. Packing away holiday decorations means holiday celebrations are well and truly over for the year.
Can Procrastination Be Good?
The universe (or society or fate or something) often rewards exceptionally bright, capable people for procrastination. Examples include cooks who create fantastic meals from whatever is in the fridge when they’ve forgotten to shop for groceries. Teachers who get good reviews when they lecture spontaneously. Students who get A’s without studying. (I know a young man who defended himself against a plagiarism charge in university by procrastinating. He called on classmates, who testified that they’d seen him frantically typing the assignment in the computer lab an hour before it was due.)
It grants you the space to take inventory of your life. Procrastination can give us opportunities to be curious and learn, says life and business coach Lindsey Eynon.
It makes you work more efficiently.
It gives you a chance to take a break.
Procrastination gives you time to consider divergent ideas, to think in nonlinear ways, and to make unexpected leaps.
According to Stephanie Vozza, we tend to give procrastination a bad rap. She listed 6 reasons why procrastination can lead to greater success and happiness.
Procrastination gives you a chance to train your muscles to lift super heavy weights!
Structured procrastinators get more done. While putting off one thing, they do something else.
Procrastinators make better decisions. I’m doubtful about this one, but if while delaying making a decision a person is gathering relevant information, it could be.
Procrastination leads to creativity. When a task seems too hard to do, you might invent a better way.
Unnecessary tasks disappear when you procrastinate.
Procrastination leads to better apologies.
Procrastination reveals what you find important.
As David d’Equainville wrote in his Manifesto for a Day Put Off, it “is urgent to procrastinate against all the trends breathing down our neck. Procrastination is an art that brings doubt and skepticism to unquestioned standards of efficiency.” He has declared March 26 to be International Procrastination Day, a day to rebel against the constant rushing and panic of modern life.
To Procrastinate or To Act?
When considering any deadline, ask yourself, “Whose deadline is this? Where did it come from? What will happen if it isn’t met?” Especially if the answer to the first question is, “self-imposed,” weigh the answer to the last question!
My ultimate criterion for getting something done on schedule—or at all—is this: If small children will not die, it probably isn’t that important. This attitude relieves a lot of stress, anxiety, and self-blame.
Procrastination is certainly not a new phenomenon. This British cartoon from 1789 shows a man bludgeoning Father Time to death with procrastination.
Here are several quotes from Larry Kim, which he originally published on Inc.com:
Procrastination breeds efficiency.
If you’re the type of person who works more efficiently and can be more productive while under the pressure of the ticking clock, work with it. You’ll still get your work in on time and will be happier than if you’d spent the week mulling over how weak you are.
Putting tasks off reduces unnecessary efforts.
Putting tasks off until closer to the deadline might just cut out some unnecessary efforts when these things change.
You can be open to more enjoyable things.
If procrastinating means you get to enjoy something today and can still complete whatever is required of you before it has to be done — even if it’s just hours or minutes before — you’ve still accomplished what you set out to do. And you’ve had fun in the meantime.
Procrastination can reduce anxiety.
We often put off things we really, really don’t want to do — things that make us uncomfortable, or anxious, or even afraid. If you can take the time to mentally prepare yourself and tackle it when you’re ready, you can reduce your overall anxiety about the task.
Frank Partnoy wrote a whole book about the upside of procrastination!
Time can bring greater ideas or other improvements.
University of San Diego professor Frank Partnoy wrote extensively about the benefits of having time to assess issues in his book, Wait. Procrastinating gives your ideas time to percolate; it allows you to sit down and tackle the task after your subconscious has chewed it over. The result just might be a better outcome.
It makes you a rebel… sort of.
Only insomuch as you can rebel against modern day norms, though. Ancient Roman and Greek nobles highly regarded and even respected procrastination.
Finally accomplishing the task gives an adrenaline rush.
Whoo-wee! And you’re done, doesn’t that feel great? If you’re hooked on the rush you feel when you’ve finally hammered something out at the very last minute, don’t rob yourself of that pleasure.
I believe that people always choose their perceived best option, even if that choice doesn’t seem rational to an outside observer. By weighing perceived costs and benefits of procrastination in various situations, under various circumstances, people can procrastinate rationally!
BOTTOM LINE: Although there’s sometimes a down side to procrastination, embrace the up—side!
Hemp paper used to wrap gifts two thousand years ago
People of many cultures give more gifts at this time of year than any other. And sometimes, they wrap those gifts! More often than not, actually. Even if you give someone a car (!) you’ll probably go all-out and put a big red bow on top.
People have been wrapping gifts for thousands of years. In China, people used hemp and bamboo paper to wrap gifts as early as the Song Dynasty, in the 2nd century BCE.
But gift wrapping is like housework: different folks have different priorities. And also like housework, it’s better to have done than to be doing!
The Perfectionist
Lots of people (you know who you are) want every gift to be perfectly wrapped—beautiful, inviting, mouth-watering, even. This involves brand new paper, tissue, and ribbons. The pattern of the paper is perfectly aligned. The seams are folded over and creased so that the tape holding them together is invisible. Ribbons are required, wrapped at least once around the package, topped with a splendid bow, often handmade. And they must coordinate the name tags with the paper!
There are many online sources to tell/show you how to do this. Depending on the materials used, this can also be economical and/or environmentally friendly.
The Time-Saver
By contrast, the time-saver buys decorative boxes, tapes the lid on, and adds a name tag—maybe a stick-on bow. For added time-saving, they might even buy gift boxes with a bow already attached!
A close second for fast wrapping is the decorative gift bag: just open and fill. It’s second because the “wrapper” must add tissue paper to obscure the contents until time to open. (Some people skip the tissue and just rely on the bag to keep the surprise. In such cases, gift bags might be the fastest wrapping option!) Tying the handles together is optional, but you might as well, assuming you need to affix a name tag.
Gift bags have the advantage of accommodating oddly-shaped presents, and sometimes combining things in one bag can cut out the need to wrap multiple small items.
Sending gifts can be the biggest time-saver of all: order the gift and have it sent directly to the recipient. Sometimes gift wrapping is available. But the efficiency expert doesn’t really care about that.
Sometimes the time saver might just as well be labeled “easy does it.” A variation on this is gift cards. They need only an envelope, sometimes an address and a stamp. And they cut hours off shopping time.
The Penny-Saver
The penny-wise wrapper saves boxes, bags, bows, ribbons, etc., from one year to the next. Wrapping paper can be trimmed of tape and rough edges and go on indefinitely, wrapping ever-smaller packages. Another money-saving habit is to cut a piece of the wrapping paper to make the name-tag. The frugal wrapper uses as little tape as possible, both to save tape and to mess-up less of the surfaces. (See below for “free” wrapping paper ideas.)
And for a most unusual option: use the paper towel or toilet paper rolls for any gift they can accommodate, fold in the ends, and decorate with markers or stickers. Amazingly, you can use decorative cookie tins to gift more than cookies (or sewing supplies)!
The Eco-Wrapper
The environmentally aware gift-wrapper uses several of the practices mentioned above. Reusing wrapping materials keeps them out of landfills. Shipping gifts directly from the manufacturer saves one whole layer of wrapping materials. And all materials must be recyclable: no glitter or metallic paper, Styrofoam peanuts, plastic ribbons or bows. Alternative materials are also desirable. These include but are not limited to
These environmentally aware people use minimal packaging altogether, so gift-card envelopes are perfect containers.
Devious Wrappers
For some people, watching the recipient open the gift is a key part of the enjoyment. For others, watching a recipient struggle to open a deviously wrapped gift is even better! These people deliberately wrap gifts to obscure the contents.
Covering a box in multiple layers of tape
A small box inside a bigger box inside a bigger box inside a bigger box, and so on
Including riddles or clues about the gift’s contents on the tag
Secreting gifts around the room and instead giving the recipient clues to find them
Encasing the gift inside concrete or a welded-shut steel box
Using cardboard or wrapping paper to obscure the shape of the gift or make it look like another gift
Concert Tickets
Alternatives to Wrapped Gifts
Rather than gifts or general gift cards, some people elect to give an “experience” perhaps shared with the giver
Tickets to sporting events: baseball, football, basketball, soccer, golf, etc.
Ski passes or lift tickets
Movie tickets
Trips to rock climbing gyms
Indoor sky-diving tickets
Lottery tickets
Passes to a theme park
Some gifts of this type are more than “one off” experiences
Museum, zoo, or botanical garden membership
Magazine subscription
Gym or sports club membership
Meal delivery services
Season tickets to anything from an amusement park to the theater
When lack of money might otherwise hinder a gift-giver, they may turn to other methods of showing love and appreciation. The giver can even “wrap” these gifts in nice cards or writing them on fancy paper.
Providing free child or pet care
Gifts of food, whether making future meals or covering a casserole in foil and putting a bow on top
Offers to help with housework, transportation, yard chores, cooking, etc.
Skilled labor from gifters with particular skills, such as a manicure, massage, tax prep, music lessons, personal training, or anything else the giver can do well
A puppy!
(Disclaimer: Though adopting a pet can be a great experience, experts recommend everyone in the family choose the pet together. Please do not put an animal in a gift-wrapped box.)
Bottom Line: Beauty, economy, speed, environmental awareness, or deviousness—you don’t have to choose just one!
