KILLING ON MY MIND

“Axes, chisels, whetstones and a black stone bracelet from a Neolithic Macedonian settlement at Olynthus, excavated by Mylonas in 1928. Archeological Museum, Thessaloniki, Greece”
Michael Greenhalgh

I can’t help it.  The evening news is full of local drive-by shootings and the massacre happening in Ukraine. I’ve been thinking about killing (not planning it, just considering the varieties of ways and means).

I’ve mentally pursued two paths: the category of killing and the method of killing.

Categories of Killing

Execution: the carrying out of a sentence of death on a condemned person within the confines of a legal system. Over time, many methods have been embraced. For more information, look here, here, or here.

  • Firing squad
  • Hanging
  • Electrocution
  • Lethal injection
  • Drawing and quartering
  • Drowning
  • Burning at the stake
  • Beheading (whether by axe or guillotine)
  • Exposure (on the ice, in the desert sun, adrift at sea)
  • Disembowelment
  • Crucifixion
  • Gibbeting
  • Keelhauling
  • Suffocation

Murder: the unlawful premeditated killing of one human being by another. The methods are infinitely variable. 

  • Felony murder (in some jurisdictions):
    • Killing someone during the commission of a dangerous or enumerated crime.
    • The killer and also all accomplices or co-conspirators may be found guilty.
    • It doesn’t matter whether the killing was intentional or accidental.

Homicide: the deliberate and unlawful killing of one person by another. The point here is lack of premeditation or planning. Killing in the heat of the moment by whatever means would count. 

  • Justifiable homicide: the killing of a person in circumstances which allow the act to be regarded in law as without criminal guilt.
    • Examples include self-defense, capital punishment, and police shooting.
  • (Note: police shootings are not automatically judged  justifiable.)

Manslaughter: the crime of killing a human being without malice aforethought, or otherwise in circumstances not amounting to murder.  

  • Involuntary manslaughter: the person who commits the crime had no intention of causing or even expecting the possibility of death.

NOTE NOTE NOTE NOTE NOTE NOTE NOTE

Different jurisdictions define these categories of killing differently, and some times interchangeably. If you want to be precise, know your local laws.

Euthanasia (a.k.a. mercy killing): the painless killing of a patient suffering from an incurable and painful disease or an irreversible coma.  Note: the practice is illegal in most countries.

Ritual sacrifice: offering something to a deity in propitiation or homage, especially the ritual slaughter of an animal or person.

Suicide: death caused by injuring oneself with the intent to die. 

Assassination: 

  • In law: any murder committed by an assassin, understood to be committed for money, without any provocation resentment given by the person against whom the crime is directed.
  • In dictionary.com: to kill suddenly or secretively, especially a prominent person; premeditated.

Wartime Killing

War: a state of arms conflict between different nations, states, or different groups within a nation or state.

Soldiers killing soldiers during a war between nations or states are generally considered justified and legal; incidental killing of civilians are generally considered collateral damage, regrettable but not subject to punishment.

Not all wartime killing is internationally acceptable.

The Hague Conventions (1899 and 1907) and Geneva Conventions (1864, 1949 [pt 1, 2, 3, and 4], and 1977 [protocol 1 and 2] and 2005) focus on the protection of people not or no longer taking part in hostilities.  There is no single document in international law that codifies all war crimes. However, lists of war crime can be found in both international humanitarian law and international criminal law treaties, as well as international customary law.

  • War crimes (for a more complete list, see the United Nations, and the International Red Cross, and Wikipedia):
    • Intentionally killing civilians
    • Intentionally killing prisoners of war
    • Torture
    • Taking hostages
    • Unnecessary destruction of civilian property, often with the aim of causing starvation or death by exposure
    • Deception by perfidy
    • Wartime sexual violence
    • Pillaging
    • Use of chemical or biological weapons
    • Conscription of children into the military
    • Granting no quarter despite surrender
    • Flouting the legal distinctions of proportionality and military necessity  
  • Crimes against humanity:
    • Specific cries committed in the context of a large-scale attack targeting civilians, regardless of their nationality.
    • E.g., murder, torture, sexual violence, enslavement, persecution, enforced disappearance, etc.
    • Chemical, biological, and radioactive weapons are often considered specifically crimes against humanity in addition to being war crimes.
  • Genocide/ethnic cleansing:
    • The deliberate killing of a large number of people from a particular nation or ethnic group with the aim of destroying that nation or group.
    • Forced sterilization and sexual violence may be included here the aim is to disrupt or preemptively remove future generations.

War between groups within a nation or state = gang war: a “small” war between two (or more) groups feuding over territory or vendetta, not generally related to international legal standing.

  • Characterized by sanctioned and unsanctioned killing
  • Gun violence
  • Street violence
  • Joining a gang may be involuntary
  • Leaving a gang—and surviving—may be next to impossible
  • All gang activity is illegal in the US, although being a gang member per se isn’t

Methods of Killing 

There are far too many to list, but here are a few methods to think about.

  • No weapon (strangulation, broken neck or back, beaten to death with fists, thrown off a cliff, etc.)
  • Weapon of convenience (for example, branch, bookend, poker, scissors, axe—anything found at the scene)
  • Physical weapon brought to the scene (for example, cutting implement, gun, garrote, automobile, whatever)
  • Animal weapon (for example, dog, venomous snakes or insects, predatory animals such as bears, big cats, trampling by elephants or horses)
  • “Soft” weapon such as poison, gas, or medication overdose


Bottom Line: Killing is everywhere and always has been. Think about it! When—if ever—and under what—if any—circumstances would a character think/feel that killing could be acceptable. 

WHAT? THERE ISN’T A WORD FOR THAT?

Also known as “Main Character Syndrome”
from EliteDaily

Last week I waxed enthusiastic about dictionaries, in all their forms and focus. Well, now I’ve made a truly unique addition to my collection, a Dictionary of  things there aren’t any words for yet—*But there ought to be.


As you can surmise from the cover, The Meaning of Liff is basically a humorous read. In 157 pages, British writers Adams and Lloyd have made a herculean effort to fill the word void with wondrous creations, some with historical notes and illustrations. Rather than inventing new words, the authors have paired each definition with the names of places in England and Scotland (Liff is a village in Scotland near Dundee).

Adams and Lloyd followed up with The Deeper Meaning of Liff. Thirty years later, Joe Morwood and John Lloyd decided to expand their geography with The Yorkshire Meaning of Liff.

(In case you don’t recognize the names, Douglas Adams is a best-selling novelist, the creator of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and Dirk Gentlys Holistic Detective Agency; John Lloyd is an award-winning comedy television producer in England.)

Dalmilling (dal-MILL-ing) ptcpl. vb. Continually making small talk to someone who is trying to read a book.


In the examples I’ve excerpted below, bracketed comments [ ] are my additions.

  • Aalst (ay-AY-lst) n.
    • One who changes his name to be nearer the front.
    • [Something to consider when choosing a pen name?]
  • Bathel (BATH-ul) vb.
    • To pretend to have read the book under discussion when in fact you’ve only seen the tv series.
    • [One might assume that this applies to having only seen the movie as well.]
Glenwhilly (glen-WILL-i)  n. Scots. A small tartan pouch worn under a kilt during the thistle harvest.
[AKA under-armor.]
  • Craboon (kra-BOON) vb.
    • To shout boisterously from a cliff.
    • [And who hasn’t?] 
  • Duddo (DUD-oh) n.
    • The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.
  • [Not to be confused with] Dubbo(DUB-oh) n.
    • The bruise or callous on the shoulder of someone who has been knighted unnecessarily often.
  • Ely (EE-le) n. T
    • he first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone terribly wrong.
  • Falster (FAWL-ster) [FALL-ster in American] n.
    • A long-winded, dishonest and completely incredible excuse when the truth would have been completely acceptable.
Ipplepen (IP-pul-pen) n. A useless writing implement made by taping six ballpoint pens together which is supposed to make it easier to write one hundred lines.
  • Hadzor (HAD-zer) n.
    • A sharp instrument placed in the basin which makes it easier to cut yourself.
  • Juwain (ju-WAYNE) adj.
    • Only slightly relevant to the matter at hand.
    • [Such a frequently useful adjective!]
  • Kanturk (kan-TERK) n.
    • An extremely intricate knot originally used for belaying the topgallant foresheets of a gaff-rigged China clipper, now more commonly observed when trying to get an old kite out of the cupboard [closet in American] under the stairs.
Ossett (OS-et) n. A frilly spare-toilet-roll cosy
  • Lemvig (LEM-vig) n.
    • A person who can be relied upon to be doing worse than you.
    • [Need I point out how incredibly valuable such a friend/acquaintance/coworker is?]
  • Mogumber (mug-UM-ber) n.
    • One who goes around complaining that he was cleverer ten years ago.
  • Nubbock (NUB-uk) n.
    • The kind of person who must leave before a party can relax and enjoy itself.
  • Papcastle (PAP-kah-sul) [PAP-castle in American] n.
    • Something drawn or modeled by a small child which you are supposed to know what it is.
Sconser (SKON-ser) n. A person who looks around while talking to you to see if there’s anyone more interesting about.
  • Querrin (KWER-rin) n.
    • A person no one has ever heard of who unaccountably manages to make a living writing prefaces.
  • Randers (RAN-ders) pl.n.
    • People who, for their own obscure reasons, try to sleep with people who have slept with members of the royal family.  
  • Tanvats (TAN-vats) pl.n.
    • Disturbing things that previous owners of your house have left in the cellar.
  • Udine (YEW-dine) adj.
    • Not susceptible to charm.
Vidlin (VID-lin) n. The moistly frayed end of a piece of cotton thread.  “It is easier for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven than it is for a violin to pass through the eye of a needle.”
  • Wartnaby (WAWT-nay-bee) n.
    • Something you only discover about somebody the first time they take their clothes off in front of you.
  • Yetman (YET-man) n.
    • A yes-man who is waiting to see whom it would be most advantageous to agree with
    • [X. Apparently their imaginations failed them.]

I highly recommend this dictionary, if for no other reason than it’s a fast, humorous read.  Can you think of a definition we need in English that might fit your hometown?

But what about you?

Do you have your own non-words worthy of such a dictionary? I have a handful I’m willing to share, and will follow the format above. Some are in my speaking vocabulary; more are in my mental vocabulary!

  • Alcologic (al-co-LOG-ic) n.
    • Thinking or ideas that seem perfectly reasonable and logical when drunk, almost always a bad—or worse than bad—idea.
Bednertia (bed-NER-sha) n. The reluctance to get out of bed, even when drowsily awake, thinking about getting out of bed. No sex is involved.
  • Hangry (hANE-gry) adj.
    • Irritability or a bad mood caused by low blood sugar.
  • Ignoragas (ig-NOR-a-gas) v.
    • The act of not apparently noticing a fart. This is a social nicety in some situations, aimed at avoiding embarrassment. In the home setting, it may reflect habituation.
  • Netbrain (NET-brain) n.
    • A condition in which something that is usually known or remembered drops through the net and is temporarily unavailable. I first heard this word from my Associate Director of Educational Affairs at the American Psychological Association and it’s been a staple in my vocabulary ever since. I have no idea how widely used it might be.
Obvispeak (OB-vi-speak) v. Saying the obvious in any situation.  Often it is announcing something that everyone present can see. Alternatively, voicing a conclusion when there is no alternative.
  • Pickaddict (pick-AD-dict) n.
    • A person addicted to nose-picking, often in the bathroom or car when the picker thinks no one will notice. Usually controlled in public.
  • Readarhea (read-ah-REE-ah) n.
    • A condition exhibited by someone who reads aloud from whatever s/he is reading, regardless of what the other person(s) might be doing, including reading, writing, or working.
  • Rubbleit (RUB-bul-it) v.
    • To reduce to rubble, either literally or figuratively.
  • Sleepnet (SLEEP-net) n.
    • A system or habit of thought a person uses to promote sleep. Does not usually involve counting sheep.

So, what is the use of non-words? 

Besides entertainment, consider working them into your speech and/or writing. The context is usually sufficient for understanding. Such words are fresh and eye/ear-catching. Many authors have created words that are now part of everyone’s vocabulary. Just think of chortle (Lewis Carroll), freelance (Thomas Brown), litterbug (Alice Rush McKeon), mondegreen (Sylvia Wright), nerd (Dr. Seuss), robot (Karel Capek), scaredy-cat (Dorothy Parker), and scientist (William Whewell).

If you’re interested, here are some other dictionaries that only sort of exist:

Bottom Line: Sometimes, dozens of dictionaries still aren’t enough. Consider creating words. Every word in current usage started as someone’s creation!

WHY ONE ISN’T ENOUGH!

I’ve long loved dictionaries, and mine currently crowd seven bookshelves. I can just imagine the gasps, chuckles, and maybe eye-rolls out there about now. 

But think about it. Depending on who and when you ask, the number of English words varies widely, but all agree the number is humongous.

As of June, 2018, according to the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) there were 171,146 words currently in use in the English language, plus 47,156 obsolete ones.  The main page of the OED official website said they covered over 600,000 terms.

In June, 2021, the official edition of the Merriam-Webster online dictionary included approximately 470,000 words.

And new words are added daily. In the 20th century, 800 to 1000 new words were added to the English language each year. In 2022 so far, new words include hellacious, fast fashion, supposablyhiggle, long hauler, vaxvaxxer, megadrought, mesovortex, and charging station, and new acronyms, such as EV, HEV, PHEV, etc., etc., etc. And as you no doubt realize, words are included in the vernacular before they make it into any official dictionary.

Clearly, one comprehensive, agreed-upon dictionary isn’t possible. And the sheer scope of the language would make it cumbersome and daunting to navigate.

The Cavalry to the Rescue!

Fortunately, there are (by actual count) a gazillion dictionary makers out there to sort and organize words for us.  Whatever your need or interest, there’s a dictionary for that!

I’m a writer, so my word needs are many and varied. An inspection of my dictionary shelves shows a touching popularity of slang dictionaries. Slang is a true love because it’s the language of much realistic dialogue, and can set time, class, and subculture.

In this regard, Eric Partridge’s A Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English (8th edition) is a classic. I recently acquired Partridge’s Concise Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English edited by Paul Beale as well. Why? Because it’s slimmed down the original and added new material.  

But slang isn’t a unitary thing! Therefore, I have dictionaries of war slang, hippie slang, and many volumes of “American” slang. Some years ago, I was extremely please to find the first two volumes of the Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang.  I am devastated—well, perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration—that there will never be a third volume. The project was too time-consuming and expensive to complete.

Speaking of price: dictionaries tend to be big, and specialized ones, expensive. If you want a standard Merriam-Webster for general use, one can be had for very little money, especially used, because they are printed in huge runs and sell widely. 

But if you want something like the Dictionary of American Regional English, in six volumes, the price tag is currently $635 used. I picked up my six volumes one by one, from library discards and secondhand stores, and that can still be done if you are tightfisted and determined. FYI, I find these volumes cumbersome to use, so take that into consideration.

Recently I came across the Dictionary of Southern Appalachian English, on Amazon for $128.35 hardcover and $74.99 on Kindle, the only two formats out there. And these are the lowest prices I found!

These are just two dictionaries recognizing the differences in language across the country. Such differences have long been acknowledged. One of my dictionaries is Yankee Talk Another is Butter my Butt and Call Me a Biscuit. (You can imagine the regional connections of that one.)

Words—Like People—Age 

The OED recognizes “archaic” words. I have a dictionary called The Word Museum, one example of a dictionary of such outdated words. Dictionaries of colonial English or slang by decades inherently acknowledge aging. As a writer, I need to be aware that word choices can easily seem too modern—or too old.

Then there’s the question of which English. During my first trip to Europe, I discovered that I actually speak “American.” Now, more aware, I have on my shelves dictionaries of American, British, Australian, and South African English.

Apart from—or in addition to—the above, I love having dictionaries that give me age-graded vocabulary for children, the meaning of symbols, and abbreviations, and sailing terms. 

Abbreviations are part of virtually every “in-group.” For example, not even all psychologists would recognize that VTE means vicarious trial and error. 

When writing about a subculture not one’s own, Talk the Talk: The Slang of 65 American Subcultures is invaluable. Just to tempt you, check out the Table of Contents!

Not dictionaries in the traditional sense… 

Many of these “dictionaries” are books word lovers enjoy anyway. For me, these include dictionaries of dreams, body language, superstitions, proverbs, phrase and fable, and word origins.

Reading dictionaries is not only entertaining, it’s also educational.

For example, people may not know that the following words, among others, not only have Yiddish roots but also came into common usage in the 1930s.

  • Mensch
  • Yenta
  • Bagel
  • Futz around
  • Schlep
  • Schmaltz
  • Schmooze

Not in my wheelhouse… 

Although I do have a rhyming dictionary, I don’t have scrabble or crossword puzzle dictionaries. Nor do I have dictionaries geared toward medicine, architecture, engineering, music, farming, the law…

Should I decide to delve deeply into such professions/topics, the dictionaries are out there.

No doubt there are people out there who believe that one good standard dictionary, and maybe one good thesaurus, suffice. Clearly, I beg to differ! 

Bottom line: Whatever your interests and/or needs, there’s a dictionary for that! Explore!

CONSIDER THE ONION

They say inspiration comes from everywhere. Interesting details to add to your writing also come from everywhere. To flavor your work, consider the onion.

(For a laugh, consider the satirical new website The Onion, but I’m actually talking about the plant in this instance.)

Onion Lore

There is a vast array of folklore surrounding onions. Onions are part of nearly every cuisine around the world, so nearly every culture has found uses for onions beyond cooking.

  • If you stick pins into a small onion and keep it on your windowsill, it dispels bad spirits from your home—or so says folklore. (Garlic has been used for the same purpose.)
  • Onions are also thought to ward off snakes and witches.
  • American colonists hung onions outside their doors to deflect evil spirits and keep them from coming inside.
  • If you throw onion peels on the floor, you’ll throw away your luck.
  • In many prehistoric societies, onions were the symbol of eternity, fit only for the gods. Additional symbolism includes protection, memories, jealousy, envy, divine healing, and mood swings.
  • Onions in dreams may represent the layers the dreamer needs to get through to find the source of a problem or issue. Alternatively, the dreamer may need to cleanse something in order to start afresh.
  • Put an onion under your pillow if you wish to dream the identity of your future lover.
  • In Egypt, an onion held in the right hand was a sign of fealty, used to swear allegiance to Cleopatra, and were a farewell offering carved into Tutankhamen’s tomb. They have been found in the pelvic region of mummies, in the thorax, and flattened against the ears. In 1160 BCE, King Ramses IV was entombed with onions in his eye sockets.
  • In other cultures, onions were associated with the devil. In Persia, it was said that when Satan was banished from paradise, onions sprang from the print of his right foot. 
  • Romans believed that eating onions increased the quantity and vitality of sperm. Some Middle Eastern cultures considered onions an aphrodisiac.
  • In England, onions predicted the weather: a thick skin meant a bad winder ahead, a thin skin, a mild one.
  • Schoolboys used to believe that rubbing their bottoms with onion juice would numb them to the sting of disciplinary caning.
  • If you want to make a wish on Friday morning, sprinkle salt and pepper on an onion skin and toss it into the fire while thinking the wish.  Other days or times? Who knows?
  • When undecided about something important, scratch each option on a different onion and store them in the dark. The first one to sprout reveals your best choice. This applies to choosing one’s lover/husband as well!
  • In English-speaking countries, some people believe that putting onions under the bed of a sick person aids recovery. 
  • Stringing onions up around the house, especially at the entrance will guard against illness, accidents, and curses.
  • Put a slice of onion under the doormat to keep away unwanted visitors.
  • If onions sprout in your kitchen, plant them. If they grow, you will come into unexpected money.
  • The cut side of an onion has been used to relieve the effects of insect stings, and to draw poison from the bites of venomous snakes and rabid dogs.
  • Snakes hate the smell of onions, so carry one when you walk in snake territory to ward them off.
  • Get rid of warts by rubbing the edge of an onion on the warts and then throw the onion over your right shoulder without looking back.
  • Onion juice provides extra sulfur which can support strong, thick hair, thus preventing hair loss and promoting hair growth. The sulfur from onions may help collagen production which, in turn, promotes healthy skin.

Onion Medicine

Folk medicine often contains a kernel of truth, and onion medicine is no different. Modern medical researchers study onions’ palliative properties for everything from high blood pressure to cholesterol levels. 

  • Because eating onions causes one to perspire, they’ve been used in folk medicine to cure colds. 
  • Onions are low in calories yet high in nutrients, including vitamin C, B vitamins, and potassium. 
  • Research shows that eating onions help reduce heart disease risk factors, such as high blood pressure, elevated triglyceride levels, and inflammation. 
  • Red onions are rich in anthocyanins, which are powerful plant pigments that may protect against heart disease, certain cancers, and diabetes. 
  • Onion consumption is associated with improved bone mineral density. 
  • Onions are a rich source of prebiotics, which help boost digestive health, improve bacterial balance in your gut, and benefit your immune system. 
  • Onions have been shown to inhibit the growth of potentially harmful bacteria like E. coli and S. aureus
  • Onion juice can cure colds, cough, high fever, and sore throat. (One might want to eat parsley to combat onion-breath!)

Onion Facts

Even without their miraculous fortune-telling powers or magical healing properties, onions are pretty nifty vegetables!

  • Most people cut onions before eating them, often tearfully. Chilling peeled, halved onions in the fridge or in a bowl of ice water for 30 minutes can lessen the onion tear production.
  • FYI: onion tears are chemically different from tears caused by pain or sadness. 
  • No one knows for sure where onions first appeared. Some believe they originated in Central Asia; other say onions were first grown in Iran and West Pakistan. But onions were surely eaten long before they were cultivated, and now they are grown in 135 countries.
  • When Europeans came to the New World, they brought onions with them, only to find that Native Americans were using wild onions for food, in syrups, as poultices,  as an incident in dyes, and as toys!
  • Worldwide, people consume and average of 11 pounds of onions per year, but onion  eating varies widely by geography. Turkey has the highest consumption, with 80.7 pounds per capita per year. In the US, the figure is 18.6 pounds per person per year. 
  • WARNING: all parts of onions (and related plants, like garlic) are toxic to dogs and cats! Raw or cooked, as little as 1/4 cup can make a 20-pound dog sick. 

If that’s not enough onion-y brain fodder, check out the National Onion Association, the Encyclopedia Britannica, The Old Farmer’s Almanac, and the story of The Oldest Onion in Denmark.

I like learning when I read, and I try to include bits of lesser-known information in my stories. For example, gasoline cost ten cents a gallon during the Great Depression, and around the time of the Civil War, the census’s listed the occupation of prostitutes as seamstresses. 

Bottom line: Consider adding a little onion to your writing!

SAY WHAT?

Carat and Carrot and Caret and Karat
Pi Pie!

Today I feel like playing with words! Considering the history of the English language, it’s no wonder there are so many strange juxtapositions in our syllables. An easy illustration is lay and lei: one from Proto-Germanic and one from Hawaiian.

English is not the only language with homophones and homographs, of course. German, Korean, Vietnamese, and Mandarin are notorious for wordplay based on homophones and homonyms. The language with the most homonyms might be Rotokas, spoken by the people of Bougainville in Papua New Guinea. There are only 150 possible syllables, so each syllable gets a lot of use!

Homophones

I’ll start with homophones, words that sound the same but are different in meaning or spelling. I’ve chosen words that are both! Here, in no particular order are some examples. (This is by no means an exhaustive list. Check here or here for many more examples!)

Colonel and Kernel

Can you use all the variations in a single sentence that makes sense?

AllAwl
BeBee
ForwardForeword
DiscreetDiscrete
SeedCede
OurHour
AloudAllowed
PolePoll
SoleSoul
RollRole
Ewe and Yew
PiecePeace
CueQueue
PeaPee
DieDye
LowLo
ToeTow
AilAle
SheerShear
HereHear
WearWare
StepSteppe
Fairy/ Faerie and Ferry
MightMite
BearBare
LimbLimn
KnightNight
BoardBored
LiarLyre
SweetSuite
DeerDear
StareStair
RingWring
Key and Quay

There are many pairs of homophones (some estimate as many as 6,000!), but some syllables work extra hard and mean three or more different things. Again, this is nowhere near an exhaustive list.

SightSiteCite
NeedKneedKnead
RheumyRoomyRoomie
UseEwesYews
SenseScentsCents
TheirThey’reThere
AyeEyeI
LeanLienLeen
PoorPourPore
Bawled and Balled and Bald
DoDueDew
NewKnewGnu
ByeBuyBy
IdolIdleIdyll
AisleI’llIsle
MeatMeetMete
WeighWayWhey
NaughtKnotNot
PairParePear
Furze and Furs and Firs

Some homophones are dependent on the speaker’s accent. Words that sound the same in Johannesburg may be entirely different in Toronto.

All/AwlOil
OralAural
FartherFather
AntAunt
BizarreBazaar
BroochBroach
CollanderCalendar
TotTaught
BurrowBurrough
ChillyChile
Floor and Flower and Flour

If you really want to go crazy, consider raise, rays, rase, rehs, res, réis, and raze.

  • Rase is a verb meaning “to erase”
  • Rehs is the plural of reh, a mixture of sodium salts found as an efflorescence in India
  • Réis is the plural of real, a currency unit of Portugal and Brazil
  • Res is the plural of re, a name for one step of the musical scale
Hair and Hare

Homographs

Then there are homographs, words that are spelled the same but differ in meaning or pronunciation. I’ve focused on the former here.

  • Bar as in drinking place, bar as in fasten the door, bar as in fastener or weapon
  • Part as in separate, part as in a piece of something
  • Snuff as in tobacco product, snuff as in smothering a candle flame
  • Yen as in Japanese currency, yen as in a desire
  • Clear as in weather, clear as in clean up
  • Foot as in body part, foot as in length
  • Wind as in moving air, wind as in turning something
  • Chair as in furniture, chair as in run a meeting
  • Stand as in get up, stand as in take a stand, stand as in piece of furniture
  • Case as in luggage or box, case as in court case
  • Bit as in took a bite of, bit as in horse harness, bit as in small amount
  • Swallow as in ingest, swallow as in bird
  • Pot as in vessel, pot as in plant, pot as in marijuana
  • Ring as in jewelry, ring as in bell
  • Wire as in piece of metal, wire as in electrical work, wire as in telegraph
  • Dig as in make a hole, dig as in “like it”
  • Bow as in bend from the waist, bow as in front of a boat
  • Stern as in firm, stern as in back of a boat
  • Park as in outdoor space, park as in leave a vehicle
  • Ear as in body part, ear as in corn
  • Second as in time, second as in between first and third 
Bark and Bark

Many of these homographs are variations from a single word origin, and their various meaning can be traced back. If you want to wander down an internet rabbit hole, try looking up the etymology of homophones.

  • Walk from the Proto-Indo-European root “wel-” meaning “to turn or revolve
    • Travel on foot
    • A pathway along which one might travel on foot
  • Pregnant from Latin “praegnantem” meaning “before birth
    • Person who is with child
    • Tense pause (full of meaning)
  • Plate from Proto-Indo-European root “plat-” meaning “to spread
    • Flat sheet of metal that holds food
    • Flat sheet of very thin metal coating an object so it looks like gold or silver
    • Layer of the planet’s mantle holding continents, floating on magma
  • Secretary from Medieval French “secretarie” meaning “confidant, someone entrusted with secrets
    • Administrative assistant
    • Officer
    • Type of desk used by a secretary
  • Port from Proto-Indo-European root “prtu-” meaning “passage
    • Wine variety originating from the Portuguese city Oportus
    • Place where boats anchor
    • Left side of a ship when facing forward from the stern
    • Medical appliance installed under the skin
  • Book from Proto-Germanic “bōk(ō)-” meaning “the part of a beech tree used to make tablets for written documents
    • Reading material
    • Make a reservation (originally marked in a book, now more likely kept on a tablet)
  • Table from Latin “tabula” meaning “small flat slab, usually for inscriptions or games
    • Furniture for holding meals or other objects
    • List of numbers and figures
    • To enter into return to a list
  • Lift from Proto-Germanic “luftijan” meaning “to elevate”
    • Pick up
    • Elevator
    • Giving a ride
Port and Port and Port and Port

Homographs (non-homophonic)

And then there are homographs that are spelled the same but differ in pronunciation as well as meaning. How many of these do you recognize?

  • Wind
  • Buffet
  • Minute
  • Bow
  • Bass
  • Evening
  • Coordinates
  • Proceeds
  • Does
  • Axes
  • Agape
  • Putting
  • Moped
  • Tear
  • Wound
Double Bass

In many cases, only a shift in stress from one syllable to another indicates whether the word functions as a noun or a verb. As with many elements of the English language, this “rule” has many exceptions.

  • Attribute
  • Produce
  • Refuse
  • Frequent
  • Discharge
  • Second
  • Entrance
  • Digest
  • Interchange
  • Content
  • Advocate
  • Discount
  • Contract

And just to increase your vocabulary one more time: homonyms can be either or both!

Bottom Line: It’s no wonder people have difficulty learning English as a second language!

Mince and Mints
(Do not confuse these two in recipes!)

THE DOWNSIDE OF SELF-CONCEPT

Despite being a legendary harpist, ruler, and monarch, King David said, “But I am merely a worm, far less than human, and I am hated and rejected by people everywhere.” ~Psalm 22:6
Chu Wanning of Er Ha He Ta De Bai Mao Shi Zun is a visual illustration of the power of self-concept. When he appears in other’s flashbacks, Chu Wanning is an extremely handsome young man. When he is the narrator, Chu Wanning is an old, ugly, weak man.

Self-concept is how people perceive their behaviors, abilities, and unique characteristics.  For example, beliefs such as “I am a good friend” or “I am a kind person” are part of an overall (positive) self-concept. These perceptions of oneself are important because they affect motivations, attitudes, and behaviors.  Self-concept also impacts how people feel about who they think they are, including perceived competence and self-worth.

Low self-worth is having a generally negative overall opinion of oneself, judging (or evaluating) oneself critically, and placing a generally negative value on oneself as a person.


Self-esteem is a similar concept to self-worth but with a small (although important) difference: self-esteem is what we think, feel, and believe about ourselves, while self-worth is the more global recognition that we are valuable human beings worthy of love (Hibbert, 2013). People with low self-confidence tend to have low self-esteem and vice versa.

Abraham Lincoln’s “melancholia” is likely to have been influenced by a negative self-concept.
“Every man is said to have his peculiar ambition. Whether it be true or not, I can say for one that I have no other so great as that of being truly esteemed of my fellow men, by rendering myself worthy of their esteem.”

Some of the most common characteristics of low self-esteem—of which there are many—also appear in those with low self-worth:

  • Depression/sadness
  • Anxieties
  • Low mood
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Extreme focus on clothing, makeup, grooming, etc., because of a belief that self worth comes from exterior appearance
  • Poor confidence
  • Feeling like a burden to other people
  • Criticize their appearance and personality regularly in their head and out loud
  • Feeling a lack of control in life
  • Negative social comparison
  • Negative self-talk
  • Worry and self-doubt
  • Not trying things out of fear of failure
  • Neglect of their own needs, particularly emotional ones
  • Guilt over self-care
    • (E.g., you feel guilty buying things because you feel you don’t deserve them.)
Esther Summerson, in Charles Dickens’ Bleak House, has been described as both an ideal of Victorian womanhood and a personification of low self-esteem.
(Illustration by Hablot Browne)

Some of these characteristics have an obvious effect on how a person interacts with others.

  • Avoiding social situations
  • Trouble accepting positive feedback
  • Afraid to talk in a conversation, and belief that no one listens when they do
  • Sensitive to any criticism and obsessing about it for weeks if not months
  • Apologize when other people bump into them
  • Problems asking for what they need
  • Fear of leaving the house to avoid anything out of their comfort zone
  • Questioning how a romantic partner could possibly love them
  • Always needing everyone’s agreement
  • Needing constant validation from others
  • Constantly comparing themselves to other people
  • Treating Feel other people are more important
  • Belief that other people don’t actually enjoy your company and are just being polite
Avatar Korra masks her low self-esteem by being impulsive and impatient. This leads to anger, depression, isolation, physical impairment, and nearly destroying the world.

Some of these characteristics may affect how a person interacts with others in less obvious ways.

  • Frequent anger and irritability
  • Difficulty making decisions because of worry about making the wrong one
  • Needing to be perfect 100% of the time
  • Over-achieving in general
  • Overly accepting or not accepting flaws in others
  • Tendency to criticize other people to make oneself feel better
  • Jealousy of other peoples accomplishments, instead of being happy for them
  • Shifting blame to others because they think it is unacceptable to make the slightest mistake

How Did This Happen? 

Even after becoming a mother, a senior witch, and Queen of Lancre, Magrat Garlick (left) remained in the shadows of the elder witches in her coven.
“She seemed to have spent her whole life trying to make herself small, trying to be polite, apologizing when people walked over her, trying to be good-mannered. And what had happened? People had treated her as if she was small and polite and good-mannered.” (Lords and Ladies by Sir Terry Pratchett)

Causes of low self-esteem can include:

  • Disapproval from authority figures or parents
  • Emotionally distant parents
  • Sexual, physical, or emotional abuse
  • Contentious divorce between parents
  • Bullying with no parent protection
  • Academic difficulties
  • Guilt associated with religion
  • Social beauty standards
  • Unrealistic goal setting

Does It Have To Be This Way? 

If these sound all too familiar to you personally, don’t panic!  You can retrain your brain and start to replace all the negative things you told yourself with positive things.

Several ways in which one can improve self-esteem:

In one of the most dramatic depictions of negative self-concept, George Bailey (It’s a Wonderful Life) so firmly believes that he is “worth more dead than alive” that he considers suicide.
  • Identify and challenge negative beliefs
  • Identify the positive about oneself
  • Build positive relationships—and avoid negative ones
  • Give yourself a break
  • Become more assertive and learn to say no
  • Improve physical health
  • Take on challenges

Low self esteem can lead to anger, depression and anxiety, and generally a miserable life. Therefore, it’s important it is to work on it—and to keep working on it. If you have never worked on your self esteem before, positive affirmations for confidence are a good place to start.

Bottom line: You can identify low self-worth (in yourself and/or others) and portray it in your characters without an explicit label.

TWO POWERFUL HUMAN MOTIVES

Of course, humans are driven by a lot more than two motivations. Various levels of deprivation (of all sorts of needs, such as food, shelter, sleep, sexual release, and much more) can motivate behavior in specific situations. Those are not the focus of this blog. Instead, I’m focusing on two powerful motives that tend to shape behavior across numerous situations and often whole lifetimes. 

I’m talking about the need for achievement and the fear of failure.

In the simplest terms (according to me) the difference is striving to be the best versus trying to be good enough.

Need for Achievement

Nadia Nadim, possibly the human embodiment of n-Ach

Need for achievement is the desire to obtain excellent results by setting high standards and striving to accomplish them. It is a consistent concern with doing things better.

According to the American Psychological Association,  the definition of need for achievement (n-Ach) is a strong desire to accomplish goals and attain a high standard of performance and personal fulfillment.  The need for achievement was proposed by Henry Alexander Murray and investigated extensively by David McClelland.

People with high need for achievement often undertake tasks in which there is a high probability of success and avoid tasks that are either too easy (because of lack of challenge) or too difficult (because of fear of failure). 

An example of the latter would be a 5-ft-tall basketball player with poor leaping ability, ball handling abilities, and passing skills. Such a person high in n-Ach is unlikely to try out for the team!

Recognizing Accomplishment

Even “minor” accomplishments deserve to be recognized and celebrated.

Studies have shown that feeling a sense of accomplishment is an important element in students developing positive wellbeing over time.

Research also shows that people with a strong sense of purpose, persistence, and accomplishment perform better at work.

Because one tennis ball is simply not enough

People high in need for achievement present as ambitious, driven, successful … and insecure. The need for achievement drives behavior in school, work settings, even recreational activities. In case it isn’t obvious, this trait can cause problems:

  • Driven to achieve the task—any and every task
  • Fails to differentiate “urgent” from merely “important”
  • Has difficulty delegating
  • Struggles with producer-to-supervisor transition when promoted
  • Obsesses about getting the job done at all costs
  • Craves feedback

No doubt about it, people high in n-Ach put themselves under a lot of pressure. At first glance, it might seem that such people should relax, take it easy, and be happy doing well enough. 

Fearing failure in a particular endeavor is experienced by most people,  including high n-Ach people, sometimes. Think a new situation or task, or one that’s just being learned. Think public performances. There are times when just not humiliating oneself is success.

Fear of Failure

This is why restaurants deliver.

But the fear of failure, more generally, is an irrational and persistent fear of failing

(FYI, irrational and extreme fear of failing or facing uncertainty is a phobia known as atychiphobia.) 

Sometimes fearing failure might be triggered in only one specific situation/task. Sometimes it’s more generalized. And sometimes it’s related to another mental health condition such as anxiety or depression.

In any case, the fear of failure varies in level of severity from mild to extreme. Here are a few ways it’s commonly exhibited:

  • A sense of hopelessness about the future
  • Chronic (versus occasional or limited) worry
  • Worry about what other people will  think about you if you fail or don’t do well
  • Frequent procrastination
  • High distractibility, being pulled off task by irrelevant or unimportant things
  • Avoiding tasks or people associated with a project or general goal
  • Physical symptoms (fatigue, headaches, digestive troubles, joint or muscle pain) that prevent working toward a goal
  • Believing that you don’t have the skills or knowledge to achieve something
  • Feeling like you won’t be able to achieve your goals
  • Procrastinating to the point that it affects your performance or ability to finish on time
  • Telling people that you will probably fail so that expectations remain low
  • Underestimating your own abilities to avoid feeling let down
  • Worrying that imperfections or shortcomings will make other people think less of you
  • Failing makes you worry about your ability to pursue the future you desire
  • Failing makes you worry that people will lose interest in you
  • Failing makes you worry about how smart or capable you are
  • Failing makes you worry about disappointing people whose opinions you value (especially family/friends)
  • You tend to tell people beforehand that you don’t expect to succeed in order to lower their expectations
  • Once you fail at something, you have trouble imagining what you could have done differently to succeed
  • You often get last-minute headaches, stomach aches, or other physical symptoms that prevent you from completing your preparation
  • You often get distracted by tasks that prevent you from completing your preparation which, in hindsight, were not as urgent as they seemed at the time
  • You tend to procrastinate and “run out of time” to complete your preparation adequately, as a way of protecting your belief in your ability to have done it
Social Media can illuminate and exacerbate both the need for achievement and the fear of failure.
Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, and Bored Panda (just to name a few)

Bottom line: Two people may exhibit the same behavior, even turn in the same objective performance, but their reasons for doing so can vary dramatically.

BOTH SIDES OF INERTIA

What happens when the unstoppable force of Kathrine Switzer meets the (apparently) immoveable object of the 1967 Boston Marathon officials and centuries of sports misogyny? Kathrine Switzer completes the Boston Marathon, the first woman to do so as a registered participant.

Check a thesaurus for words related to inertia. You’ll find plenty of alternatives, from attitude to Newtonian physics. 

  • Apathy
  • Indolence
  • Idleness
  • Languor
  • Lassitude
  • Laziness
  • Lethargy
  • Listlessness
  • Oscitancy
  • Passivity
  • Sloth
  • Deadness
  • Dullness
  • Immobility
  • Immobilization
  • Inactivity
  • Paralysis
  • Sluggishness
  • Stillness
  • Stupor
  • Torpidity
  • Torpor
  • Unresponsiveness

Indeed, the first dictionary definition (n) is a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged. 

If you ask a physicist (or any one in a beginning physics class) you get a less one-sided view:

Inertia noun

In life in general, including one’s writing life, the remaining-at-rest side of inertia is typically a hurdle to overcome. In its simplest form, the longer one goes without writing (or scheduling a doctor’s appointment, sending condolences, making an apology, weeding the garden, etc.) the more effort it takes to make it happen. 

Newtonian and social inertia at work:
Despite all the anatomical evidence available, crash test dummies used in car safety tests are modeled on an average male body from 1976. That might be why female drivers are 73% more likely to be seriously or fatally injured in a car accident.

Procrastination is a bear of not getting off the mark.  Researchers suggest that it takes approximately 18 to 250 days to train yourself to a new habit. The first 21 days are said to be the most difficult, especially for a physical habit (regular exercise, quitting smoking, etc.).

This holds true for habits of thought, too. It’s a little more difficult to get precise numbers in this area, but studies show that you can train yourself to meditate, think positively, stop apologizing to everyone, even improve your memory. The brain, like the body, wants to remain at rest.

For humans, the continuing movement side of inertia, it seems to me, is both rarer and more beneficial. I think of it as being on a roll

If you are on a roll, you may be having a run of good luck. (This expression, which alludes to success rolling dice, dates from the second half of the 1900s.)  Enjoy it while it lasts, but the nature of luck is that it’s beyond one’s control.

Inertia, as explained by Bill Waterson

Alternatively, being on a roll can mean enjoying a success that seems likely to continue. Continuing in the same habits will likely lead to a series of successes. This is true of everything from an athletic success to the first book in a popular series.

Gabrielle Émilie Le Tonnelier de Breteuil, Marquise du Châtelet, a French physicist whose postulate for energy conservation in inertia I don’t even pretend to understand.

Being on a roll also means a period of intense activity. This building momentum side of inertia comes to the fore when meeting deadlines, whether work or social (like Halloween preparations).

The outside force part of the physicist’s law of inertia is where a writer’s free will comes into play. There are all sorts of things you can do to overcome inertia in your life. Identify and remove triggers for a behavior you want to change. Set reminders on a timer or a note taped to your wall.

Those outside forces can be the basis for a character’s motivation in your writing as well. Perhaps an overheard comment sparks a character’s curiosity to begin a massive research survey. Perhaps a health scare inspires a character to change jobs and move to the opposite side of the globe. Perhaps new of impending alien invasion encourages an entire planet to move all habitations below ground.

BOTTOM LINE: If you understand both sides of inertia, you can make it work for you!

In honor of International Women’s Day (March 8th), check for biases in your life, in your thought patterns, even in your writing. At its core, bias is often just mental inertia.

HEY, PEANUT BUTTER LOVERS!

March 1 is your day: National Peanut Butter Lover’s Day. (The whole month of March is National Peanut Month.) Seeing that observance on the calendar is what prompted me to dig into the topic of peanut butter—and peanuts in general. 

Peanut Butter with Everything

I’ve never been a big fan of PB&J sandwiches—sacrilege, I know, given that the National Peanut Board estimates that the average child will eat 1,500 PB&J sandwiches before graduating high school—but my earliest peanut butter love was peanut butter on pancakes with a splash of maple syrup. My father ate them that way, as did/do all his children and grandchildren. The last time I was in IHOP, my favorite wasn’t on the menu, which I found incomprehensible.

Today I still avoid PB&J sandwiches, just too sticky and soft. But I willingly eat peanut butter on toasted English muffins with jelly, honey, molasses, or bananas.

Twitter user vinceatsass prefers “raw” P,B,&J.

Among my other go-to options are smoothies with peanut butter, bananas, and chocolate. And speaking of chocolate, I’ve been known to swirl peanut butter with chocolate syrup for a sweet treat. Peanut butter is also great on Granny Smith apples, when I want to nod toward healthful. And let’s not forget peanut butter fudge, with or without chopped nuts, chocolate chips, etc. And trail mix. And chocolate chip cookies. And smoothies. And, and, and . . .

Writing my recent blog on snacks and snacking (February 1, 2022) I noted the following among favorite snack pairs, in descending order of popularity

  • Cchocolate and nuts (some of which must have been peanuts)
  • Peanut butter and jelly
  • Peanut butter and apples
  • Chocolate and peanut butter
  • Surprisingly, peanut butter and bacon wasn’t on the list 

What is/are your favorite combination(s)?

In 1996 I bought The Peanut Cookbook by Dorothy C. Frank, a library discard with a copyright date of 1976. But good recipes never die! Recipes are grouped in the usual categories: appetizers and nibbles; soups, salads, main dishes, vegetables; breads, biscuits, and breakfast; desserts and candies. There are dressings for vegetable salads; sauces for poultry and meat; and “syrups” for sweets. Peanut Butter Meatloaf with Sweet Potato Frosting doesn’t appeal to you? Turn the page! Even recipes that don’t tempt you to attempt are interesting to read.

One of the candy recipes is for Jimmy Carter’s favorite peanut brittle recipe.

Have I at least tempted you to check on-line recipes?

Not quite the same kind of peanuts, but I’m sure they’re delicious!

Evolution of Peanut Butter

George Washington Carver was an agricultural scientist. He created more than 300 products from the peanut plant, but peanut butter was not one of them! By 1916 when he published “How to Grow the Peanut and 105 Ways of Preparing it For Human Consumption” patents related to peanut butter preparations had been granted to various pharmacists, doctors, and food scientists.

If not Carver, then who? And when? According to the National Peanut Board, there is evidence that ancient South American Inca Indians were the first to grind peanuts to make peanut butter. They speculate that the peanut plant originated in Peru or Brazil. People in South America made pottery in the shape of peanuts or decorated jars with peanuts as long 3500 years ago.

As early as 1500 B.C.E. the Incas used peanuts as sacrificial offerings and entombed mummies with peanuts to help them in the afterlife. Central Brazilian tribes ground peanuts with corn to make a drink.

Flower of the peanut plant (Arachis hypogaea)

But no version of peanuts or peanut plants made a direct trek north. European explorers took peanuts from South America to Spain. Explorers and traders carried peanuts to Asia and Africa. Africans introduced peanuts to the U.S./North America in the 1700s.

 By 1783 Suriname had a food called peanut cheese. More solid than peanut butter, it could be sliced and served like cheese.

In the U.S., peanuts were first grown in Virginia and used for oil, as a cocoa substitute, and as food  for livestock and the poor. Peanuts were considered difficult to grow and harvest. Their popularity grew (geographically and otherwise) as a result of Civil War soldiers on both sides subsisting on them (and presumably finding them tasty).

P. T. Barnum’s circus vendors called “hot roasted peanuts” for sale as they traveled across the country in the late 1800s.

Before peanut “butter,” there was peanut paste. In 1884, a Canadian named Marcellus Gilmore Edson was granted a patent for his paste, made from roasted peanuts.

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg (of cereal fame) invented a version of peanut butter in 1895, patented in 1898, that he served at his Western Health Reform Institute. Kellogg was a big proponent of plant-based food instead of meat, and for a time it was considered a food for the wealthy because they were the patrons of the expensive health care institutes. Peanut butter, like sushi and lobster, morphed from food for the poor 9and livestock) to food for the elite. But it really burst onto the public stage at the St. Louis World’s Fair in 1904.

Peanut butter became a popular source of protein during the two World Wars, being provided to troops by the Armed Forces. Recently (2020), on average, Americans ate 7.6 pounds of peanuts and peanut products each—probably even more now. In March 2020, during the COVID-19 pandemic, 299.34 million ate peanut butter; retail sales of peanut butter in the U.S. increased by 75% over the level in March 2019.

Although National Peanut Butter Day is past (January 23), there are more chances to celebrate in 2022!

  • March is National Peanut Month
  • March 1, National Peanut Butter Lover’s Day
  • March 8, National Peanut Cluster Day
  • April 2, National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
  • May 18, I Love Reese’s Day
  • June 12, National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
  • September 13, National Peanut Day
  • November, National Peanut Butter Lover’s Month
  • November 20, National Peanut Butter Fudge Day

Mark your calendars! And there are plenty of days open to create a peanut celebration of your own!

From the National Peanut Board, here are just a few reasons why:

  • Peanuts have seven grams of protein per serving, more than any nut.
  • Peanuts are a good source of fiber and contain “healthy” fats, making them one of the best options for heart health.
  • Good stuff inside peanuts:
    • Vitamin E
    • Magnesium
    • Folate
    • Copper
    • Phosphorus
    • Fiber
    • Niacin
    • Manganese
    • Arginine
    • Phytosterols, such as beta-sitosterol
    • Potassium
    • Resveratrol
    • Selenium
    • Zinc

FYI: it is estimated that < 1% of the population have a peanut allergy.

BOTTOM LINE: If you aren’t a peanut butter lover now, you could be!

FOR YOUR PLEASURE

I found an entertaining old (1985) book, edited by Clifton FadimanThe Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes covers a range of people, periodicals, radio and TV programs, centuries, and topics from Abolitionists to Zoos. 

I’ve chosen several anecdotes about famous people, writers, and writing for your pleasure, oldies but goodies.

Johnny Carson (1925-2005), host of the Tonight Show on TV

When Carson was signed to host the Tonight Show, he was so plagued by reporters that he compiled a list of 10 answers, which he handed out and invited journalists to provide the questions.

  1. Yes, I did.
  2. Not a bit of truth in that.
  3. Only twice in my life, both times on Saturday.
  4. I can do either, but I prefer the first.
  5. No. Kumquats.
  6. I can’t answer that question.
  7. Toads and tarantulas.
  8. Turkestan, Denmark, Chile, and the Komandorskie Islands.
  9. As often as possible, but I’m not very good at it yet. I need much more practice.
  10. It happened to some old friends of mine, and it’s a story I’ll never forget. 

(I found no record of a journalist actually doing that, but there’s nothing to stop you from doing it. And the interviewee needn’t be Johnny Carson!)

Jimmy Carter (1924-    ) no intro needed

Given Carter’s devout Southern Baptist background, reporters often asked him about his stance on moral issues.

When one asked, “How would you feel if you were told that your daughter was having an affair?”

Carter replied, “Shocked and overwhelmed, but then she’s only seven years old.”

(Note to writers: do a little research!)

Maria Feodorovna (Мария Фёдоровна) (1847-1928) empress of Russia as the wife of Czar Alexander III, daughter of King Christian IX of Denmark

She was known throughout Russia for her philanthropy. She once saved a prisoner from transportation to Siberia by transposing a single comma in a warrant signed by Alexander.

The czar had written, “Pardon impossible, to be sent to Siberia.”

Maria’s altered version: “Pardon, impossible to be sent to Siberia. 

(Modern variation: Let’s eat, grandma.)

Lascelles Abercrombie (1881-1938), British poet and critic

Abercrombie had expressed an opinion with which poet Ezra Pound violently disagreed.  “Dear Mr. Abercrombie,” wrote Pound.  “Stupidity carried beyond a certain point becomes a public menace. I hereby challenge you to a duel, to be fought at the earliest moment that is suited to your convenience….”

Abercrombie was distressed by the challenge, knowing of Pound’s skill at fencing. He was relieved to remember that as the one challenged, he had the choice of weapons. “May I suggest,” he replied, “that we bombard each other with unsold copies of our own books.”

Pound, having far more “weapons” than Abercrombie immediately withdrew the challenge. 

(I’m pretty weaponized right now, having just received a crate of Virginia Is For Mysteries, Volume III, launched 2/27/22.)

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), short-story writer and wit

She once attended a party with Somerset Maugham, where the guests challenged each other to complete nursery rhymes. Maugham gave Parker the lines: “Higgledy piggledy, my white hen/ She lays eggs for gentlemen.”

Parker completed it with, “You cannot persuade her with gun or lariat/ To come across for the proletariate.”

(My personal favorite Parker quip is her response when asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence. She said, “You can lead a horticulture but you cannot make her think.”)

William Faulkner (1897-1962) winner of the Nobel Prize for literature in 1949

Faulkner was on a shooting expedition with director Howard Hawks and actor Clark Gable. In the course of conversation, Gable asked Faulkner to name the five best authors of the day.

Faulkner said, “Ernest Hemingway, Willa Cather, Thomas Mann, John Dos Passos, and myself.” 

“Oh,” said Gable (maliciously?), “do you write for a living?” 

“Yes,” replied Faulkner, “and what do you do?”

Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961, by suicide), winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature, 1954 

Faulkner said that Hemingway had no courage, that “he has never been known to use a word that might send the reader to the dictionary.”

When Hemingway heard that, he said, “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don’t know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use.”

(In case you hadn’t realized it, perceiving a piece of writing as writing is a matter of personal taste.)

Abraham Lincoln (1805-1865), again, no intro needed

As a lawyer, Lincoln discouraged unnecessary litigation. When a man came to him to bring suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor, Lincoln tried to dissuade the man. But the man was determined to get revenged would not be talked out of it. Lincoln charged $10 for his service, gave half to the defendant who admitted the debt and paid the plaintiff $2.50.

(The plaintiff was reported to be entirely satisfied. What might a writer make of a character with more money than compassion?)

Edith Sitwell (1887-1964), poet and Dame of the British Empire

When Sitwell told her family that she was leaving the family home, she said “I can write so much better when I’m alone.”

Her father said, “And you prefer poetry to human love?”

Her reply? “As a profession, yes.”

Bottom Line: When you’re at a loss for words, look to the masters!