YOUR TOXIC ENVIRONMENT

Posted on May 23, 2023May 23, 2023 by vlaw759

Not the air you breathe, not the water you drink, not asbestos in your house or lead based paint. I’m talking about toxic people in your life! As part of Mental Health Awareness Month, let’s talk a bit about how to recognize the toxic people in your life and what to do about them.

Toxic People

A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Lillian Glass first used the term in her 1995 book Toxic People: 10 Ways of Dealing With People Who Make You Miserable.

I’m not the first to recognize the threat toxic people pose to one’s well-being. Clinical psychologists and other counselors frequently see people struggling with toxic people in their lives. And there are a ton of self-help books out there.

In 2018 Oxford Dictionaries named “toxic” as its Word of the Year, citing a 45% increase in look-ups of the word and an expansion in the scope of its application.

Toxic people are more common than you may think.

Researchers suggest that toxic people represent possibly 5-10% of the population and maybe cause 95% of the damage to humans. Toxic friendships are all too common: 84% of women and 75% of men report having a toxic friend at some point.

A 2015 study suggests that, though men and women may display toxic personality traits differently, toxic personality shows up equally across the entire population.

Identifying Toxic People

Your own gut reaction to toxic people will likely warn you to limit interactions with them. From WebMD, here are some warning signs that you’re dealing with a toxic person:

You feel like you’re being manipulated into something you don’t want to do.
You’re constantly confused by the person’s behavior.
You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes.
You always have to defend yourself to this person.
You never feel fully comfortable around them.
You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence.
You consistently dread spending time in this person’s company.

Just like there are signs you’re around a toxic person because of how the person makes you feel, there are signs you might see in toxic people themselves that highlight their toxicity.

**The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist** by Debbie Mirza

The most common signs include:

Toxic people are often controlling, wanting his/her way in matters large and small. They often say, “You should….”
They are unwilling to compromise, even on seemingly minor issues.
Toxic people are typically highly critical.
Their mood toward you seems to run hot and cold, i.e., they are inconsistent.
Their “wounded ego” constantly needs bolstering.
Toxic people are often narcissistic, focusing mostly on themselves.
They tend to exaggerate.
They are preoccupied with projecting an idealized image, whether that’s of a perfect family, a benevolent philanthropist, or simple physical attractiveness.
They have a negative attitude about other people and about life in general.
They often abuse alcohol or other substances.
They don’t respect the boundaries of others, sometimes physically, more often psychologically; i.e., making plans on others’ behalf, not keeping secrets, bringing up hurtful topics.
They expect others to “know” or guess what they need without actually asking for it (and then take offense when those needs are not met).
They’ll use non-toxic words but in a toxic tone of voice.
They will never admit to their own wrong-doing.
Through all their stories, they are always the victim.
They’re judgmental and not afraid to share.

So How Do These People Get into Your Life?

Friend by History:
- This is a person whom you have known forever.
  - Maybe you went to elementary school together, or you were neighbors growing up.
- Now you feel guilty ending the relationship.

Friend by Proximity:
- This is a person who comes as a package with someone else in your life.
  - Maybe it’s your partner’s best friend, or your friend’s brother who always tags along, or your best friend’s childhood friend.
- You feel guilty because you don’t want to put “your” person in an awkward situation.

Friend by Context:
- This is a person who you see all the time in a specific area of your life
  - Someone you work with everyday, maybe someone on your flag football team or someone who lives across the hall, perhaps someone in your bridge group.
- You feel guilty brushing them off because you see them all the dang time.

How Toxic People Negatively Impact You?

The negative effect toxic people can have on those around them goes both deep and far. And it’s not just personal: a toxic employee or manager can negatively impact their entire business.

**Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry** by Dr Albert Bernstein

As Babita Spinelli, L.P., J.D. explains, toxic people will find ways to blame you for everything, control you, suffocate you, and invalidate you, which can lead you to abandon yourself.
When a toxic person has a hold on you, you’ll find yourself accommodating them, making poor choices, and getting caught in drama. This all leads to an overall diminishing of self-esteem and self-worth, and even anxiety and depression, says Spinelli.
A more insidious effect of toxic people is that they’re energy vampires, meaning they seem to drain the very life out of people around them just with their presence. “They cause you a lot of distress that you may even justify because you can’t understand why it’s affecting you so badly,” Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy notes, adding that toxic people will often make you question your reality.
Children with toxic parents can develop a variety of mental traumas as they grow up, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, hypochondria, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorders.
Children surrounded by toxic adults may grow up to be toxic adults themselves.
Teachers with toxic personalities can harm students’ academic performance, interest in school, and self-esteem.
Toxic employees can cost a company revenue and hurt an organization’s reputation both with customers and within an industry.
Toxic bosses decrease employee productivity, increase employee absenteeism and turnover, and have an overall negative impact on the entire organization where they work.

Are You a Toxic Person?

Could you be a toxic person? Take this quick test from Truity:

It is simply a fact that I am smarter than the average person.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

People who want to get close to me need to understand that I have strong emotions and that I must be true to myself.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

Most people spend too much time and energy trying to achieve goals that don’t really matter.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

Everyone lies—I’m just better at it than most.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

The best way to avoid being disappointed is to expect the worst.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

I often have to push people to do things in a way that meets my high standards.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

I do not like to be treated like one of the crowd.

Inaccurate				Accurate
1	2	3	4	5

**The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People** by Shahida Arabi

If any of this sounds like you, don’t despair! Most people do not have a permanent, entrenched personality disorder; they may be simply going through particularly toxic phases. The first step to fixing a problem is generally admitting that the problem exists. Deliberate efforts on your part to shift your perspective and your responses to those around you can help you break toxic patterns of behavior.

As Hannah Baer writes, “Research demonstrates that believing others have fixed traits which don’t change (including, say, “toxic” personality pathology) yields defensiveness, failure to listen, and failure to set boundaries (because what good can it do if they can’t change?).”

On the other hand, you might recognize someone you know in this quiz. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don’t present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way. Or maybe it’s just the alcohol! But you are not the therapist for such family members, friends, coworkers, neighbors… Attend to your own well-being first.

How to Deal with Toxic People

**In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People** by Dr George Simon

Paracelsus, a 16th century Swiss physician and philosopher, famously said, “Dosis sola facit venenum (Only the dose makes the poison).” Though his claim that poisons can cause harm only if ingested in a high enough concentration may not be entirely true for toxic chemicals, it is a good guiding principle when dealing with toxic people.

There is a chance that the person is not genuinely toxic and is just reacting to particularly high levels of stress in their own life. In this case, you might be able to bring their toxic behavior to light, leading them to change on their own.

Confront the person about the toxic behavior. This is best done in a calm, non-argumentative way. For example, “When you do/say X, I feel Y.”
In the case of someone you’ve known for a while, ask yourself if their behavior has always been problematic or if it has become more toxic over time. If the person has become more toxic, you may be able to have a discussion about what has changed, when it changed, and whether it might change back.
Discuss the negative behavior you’ve noticed, including specifics.
Often, a person displays toxic behavior in response to power imbalances in a relationship, such as a work supervisor or a parent. In such cases, addressing the unequal power in the relationship might remove the trigger for toxic behavior.

If you realize that you are unlikely to cause a genuinely toxic person to change their personality in any fundamental way, your best option may be to minimize your “dose” of exposure.

**Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse** by Jackson MacKenzie

Set and enforce clear boundaries.
Spend as little time as possible with the person.
Change the subject when they bring up problematic conversation topics.
Limit conversation to relevant topics. For example, only talk to a toxic coworker about work-related topics. With a problematic bridge partner, only discuss future bridge games or strategies.
Leave yourself options for escaping bad encounters if necessary.
If your boundaries aren’t respected, follow through with concrete actions, including breaking off contact.

It may be best to break off all contact with a toxic person, preserving your own sanity and peace of mind.

Stop all meet-ups, phone calls, messages, social media connections, etc.
Avoid reminiscing about the “good times” or reliving painful memories.
Don’t give in to the urge to look them up online or ask mutual acquaintances about them.
Focus on personal healing and self-care.
Maintain healthy and supportive relationships with others.

Bottom Line: Purge your life of toxic people. You know who they are!

EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING

Posted on May 16, 2023May 16, 2023 by vlaw759

That pretty much sums up an optimist’s way of life. More formally, an optimist tends to be hopeful and confident about the future or the success of something. But is optimism truly a good thing? Or is it just for suckers?

Optimist optimism — *“Optimist: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s a cha-cha.”*
*~ Robert Brault*

I recently blogged about pessimism, and found that, indeed, entrepreneurial pessimists earn lots more money than optimistic ones. Pessimists tend to avoid risks, and in finances, that’s a good thing. Why? Because being overly optimistic can blind you to the costs and consequences of a situation. You can overestimate the benefits, and underestimate the costs. And you can make poor decisions because you fail to make an accurate assessment of the number and magnitude of the risks.

But Overall?

It turns out that optimism is a good thing. An optimistic attitude helps us be happier, more successful, and healthier. Optimism can protect against depression — even for people who are at risk for it. An optimistic outlook makes people more resistant to stress.

Research tells us that people who are optimistic are more committed to their goals, are more successful in achieving their goals, are more satisfied with their lives, and have better mental and physical health when compared to more pessimistic people. Optimistic people live longer.

The Bethany School in the UK published detailing The Benefits of Optimism:

1. Optimists feel healthier.

A 2013 study of 150,000 people in 142 countries found that optimists feel healthier overall. The research shows that, if people think the world is inherently good and things will generally turn out well, they will rate their personal sense of well-being higher.

2. Optimists are healthier.

Not only do optimists feel healthier, a study by the Harvard School of Public Heath shows that optimists really are healthier. They have fewer heart problems, better cholesterol readings, and (as another study found) lower levels of triglycerides in the blood.

“Lifestyle factors, such as regular exercise and healthy eating, accounted for less than a quarter of the optimism-lifespan association in the study, indicating that other factors may be at play.”
The Harvard Gazette

3. Optimists live longer.

Optimism
Dalai Lama — “Choose to be optimistic; it feels better.”
~The 14th Dalai Lama

Those feelings of well-being and improved health outcomes carry over into longevity. Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that optimists tend to live, on average, 11% to 15% longer than cynics. People who expect to live longer wind up actually living longer!

4. Optimists are better at fighting illness.

Suzanne Segerstrom and Sandra Sephton demonstrated that students who received positive news were better able to fight off infection than students who were given negative news. Optimism may not miraculously cure cancer, but research shows that optimists are generally better at shrugging off illness and then recovering if they do get sick.

5. Optimists experience less stress.

Optimists tend not to bother too much about minor mishaps and — when they do — they don’t bother as much as pessimists. Researchers at Concordia University in Quebec found that people with optimistic outlooks produce less of the stress hormone cortisol when they are in stressful situations. In addition to regulating stress better than pessimists, optimists don’t subconsciously perceive as many situations to be stressful and worthy of releasing cortisol.

6. Optimists form better relationships.

Sanjay Srivastava at the University of Oregon found that optimists tend to have happier and longer intimate relationships. In a 2006 study, researchers found that optimists report receiving more support, encountering fewer incidences of conflict, and resolving conflict more quickly than pessimists. Even relationships between an optimist and a pessimist were happier and lasted longer than those between two pessimists.

7. Optimists enjoy working more.

A study of 718 government employees in Kuwait found that optimistic people reported significantly higher job satisfaction and fewer psychosomatic symptoms than pessimistic people. A related study of Chinese nurses found that optimists experienced fewer conflicts at work and a better work-life balance.

8. Optimists get more job offers and promotions.

Optimists also have an better experience when they look for jobs. Research from Duke University shows that optimistic MBA graduates found jobs more quickly and with less effort than their pessimistic peers. Employees who expect good things to happen also earn higher starting salaries and receive more frequent promotions.

9. Optimists adapt better.

During times of change, optimists are better able to adapt to new circumstances. Incoming students at the Queensland University of Technology participated in a study showing that more optimistic students reported lower levels of stress, depression, and anxiety while transitioning from high school to university life. A study of students at three universities in Ghana found that participants who more successfully overcame obstacles also reported higher levels of optimism, among other factors. Another study in Ghana reported that optimistic students in an MBA course better adapted to changes later in their careers and displayed stronger leadership skills.

10. Optimists make better athletes.

The University of Pennsylvania Positive Psychology Center ran an experiment on college-level varsity swim teams, adding several seconds when they told swimmers how well they had performed in timed trials. In subsequent swims, optimistic athletes responded to the negative feedback by performing even faster; pessimistic athletes swam more slowly than they had initially. In another study, collegiate soccer and basketball players who had an optimistic outlook performed significantly better even when losing than their more pessimistic teammates. Athletes of any age who display optimistic personality traits tend to be better at planning effective exercise strategies and experience lower rates of athletic burnout.

Surprise Benefits of Optimism

Happiness is a sign of high intelligence, research finds. People who are more satisfied with their life and their job score higher on tests of general mental ability.

Optimism
Colin Powell — “To think in terms of either pessimism or optimism oversimplifies the truth. The problem is to see reality as it is.”
Thich Nhat Hanh

And then there is attractiveness: research indicates that most people find optimists more socially attractive. However, people who were themselves optimists liked the other optimist even more. On the other hand, people who were pessimists were not quite as keen on the optimist, but still preferred them to the pessimist.

Optimism, as opposed to blind positivity, equips us to face our problems, recognizing the dangers and difficulties, which makes us much more likely to avoid them, and achieve a positive outcome.

So how do you spot an optimist? Jason Wachob, CEO of MindBodyGreen, and David Mezzapelle, author of Contagious Optimism, identify seven traits optimists share:

They Express Gratitude.
They Donate Their Time And Energy.
They’re Interested In Others.
They Surround Themselves With Upbeat People.
They Don’t Listen To Naysayers.
They Forgive Others.
They Smile.

“To be strong so that nothing can disturb your peace of mind, to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own, to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.”
The Optimist Creed
~Jake Fratangelo

Optimists are bred, not born. Although optimism almost always starts early, it is cultivated from childhood— usually the result of having positive relationships with optimistic parents. But, as in Pretty is as pretty does, you can cultivate your own optimism by adopting the habits listed above.

***“Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.”***
***~Colin Powell***

You might also join an Optimist Club. Founded in 1919, Optimist International connects 80,000 members across 20 countries in local Optimist Clubs. Their mission statement: “By providing hope and positive vision, Optimists bring out the best in youth, our communities and ourselves.”

Antonyms for optimistic include dejected, depressed, doubtful, gloomy, hopeless, pessimistic, and sorrowful—and who wants that?

Bottom Line: Curb your financial risk taking but choose optimism!

IF IT CAN GO WRONG, IT CAN GET WORSE

Posted on May 9, 2023May 20, 2023 by vlaw759

A pessimist tends to see the worst aspect of things, to believe that the worst will happen, often accompanied by a lack of hope or confidence in the future. Sometimes I think watching the news is enough to make anyone pessimistic—and the more we watch, the more hopeless everything seems!

But then, again, everyone is different.

*A pessimist knows this to be true in their soul.*

What’s So Bad About Pessimism? Let Us Count the Ways!

One article at BetterHelp discusses five ways pessimism can harm you—and here they are.

A Pessimistic Attitude Can Hurt Relationships. Pessimists often have a hard time trusting other people. They assume the worst in others, sometimes making unfair accusations. They usually expect a relationship to fail, so planning a future together seems pointless.

Pessimism Can Hurt Physical Health. The mind/body connection is well established in science. In the case of pessimists, their behaviors often don’t support good health. “For example, studies have found that pessimistic people are less likely to diet, exercise, or see a doctor when they need. They are also more likely to smoke.”

A Pessimistic Mentality Can Hurt Your Career. Pessimistic people are more likely to give up when they encounter a difficult situation at work, are less likely to learn valuable lessons from their mistakes at work, and are more likely to create unwanted workforce drama.

Pessimism Affects Self-Esteem And Confidence. It seems to me that the connection here is obvious and needs no elaboration.

Pessimism Is Harmful To Mental Health. Although, technically, it isn’t a mental health disorder, pessimistic thoughts can closely mimic symptoms of some disorders. Pessimistic thoughts and emotions—such as anxiety, worry, anger, rage, or depression—cause the pessimist to suffer.

A study published in 2020 found that people who are strongly pessimistic about the future are at greater risk of dying earlier than those who are not pessimists, on average two years earlier—but contrary to previous studies, being an optimist didn’t extend life expectancy.

Another study found that the most pessimistic people are 21.8 percent less happy than realists.

Symptoms of a Pessimist

Although not a mental illness, pessimism (having a generally negative view of life and the world around them) is a personality trait—that is, it endures. The following list of ways to determine whether you are a pessimist comes from VeryWellMind. Clearly, you can also use these “symptoms” to identify pessimists around you.

You feel surprised when things actually work out.
You don’t go after what you want because you think you will probably fail.
You tend to focus on what can go wrong in a situation.
You think that the risks almost always outweigh the benefits.
You experience imposter syndrome and undervalue your abilities.
You tend to concentrate on your flaws or weaknesses rather than your strengths.
You often feel annoyed by people who have an optimistic demeanor.
You often engage in negative self-talk.
You assume that all good things will eventually come to an end.
You find it easier to live with the status quo than change things for the better.

And bad news for smart people: intelligent people tend to be more aware of situational complexities and so are more likely to worry and/or be pessimistic. As philosopher Antonio Gramsci said, “I’m a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will.”

Charlie Brown
Pessimist — *Eeyore the Donkey*

On the Other Hand: The Up Side of Pessimism

The pessimistic realization that not everything is moving in the right direction helps one rationalize the personal shortcomings we all have. Realizing that things outside one’s control could be the cause of problems is a comforting feeling, so people are attracted to it.

*A true pessimist is never without a full hazmat suit.*

Pessimists are often better prepared for tough times and may avoid risks that more optimistic thinkers might take.

Research has shown that pessimists tend to foresee obstacles more readily because they expect things to go wrong, meaning that they are more likely to plan for difficulties.

Pessimism can actually be a positive thing when it helps identify — or even anticipate — problems at work.

Also, being pessimistic can be helpful in that one won’t feel shocked when challenges arise; rather, they will be expected and can be prepared for.

A pessimist is a good choice for a leader when making financial forecasts in a challenging season. Any leader who has led through tough times will tell you the first step to stop the bleeding is by taking a worst-case scenario approach to budgeting.

One sort-of-related study found that while most successful entrepreneurs will call themselves optimists, optimistic entrepreneurs earn 30% less than pessimistic ones on average.

Defensive pessimism is considered a coping technique used by individuals who set low expectations for situations regardless of prior success. These negative expectations are used to alleviate anxiety about situations by motivating them to plan ways to avoid the chances of poor outcomes. Essentially, defensive pessimists expect and plan for the worst case scenario as a means to avoid it. And it works.

Advantages of Defensive Pessimism

Increased levels of self-esteem
More satisfaction
Better academic performance
More support
Better progress towards their goals

Optimism is considered by many to be the opposite of pessimism. And although there are some benefits to pessimism, I don’t recommend it as a life choice.

Optimists experience less distress than pessimists when dealing with difficulties in their lives.
Optimists suffer much less anxiety and depression.
Optimists adapt better to negative events (including coronary artery bypass surgery, breast cancer, abortion, bone marrow transplantation and AIDS).

(Watch this space for an upcoming blog on optimism!)

Bottom Line: Be aware of pessimistic tendencies and assess their helpfulness in a given situation.

THE MATING GRADIENT

Posted on April 4, 2023May 20, 2023 by vlaw759

*Married couples on television almost always include a taller, overweight, poorly groomed husband and a shorter, slimmer, more stylish wife.*

Overall, husbands in heterosexual marriages tend to be older, taller, better educated, and financially better off than their wives. This is the mating gradient: in mate selection, women marry up and men marry down. This pattern is socially and culturally approved to such an extent that often this configuration is perceived as what mates “should” be.

*Anti-suffragist political cartoons often played on this perception by depicting caricatures of female voters who were physically larger and more prosperous than their husbands.*

What Women (and Men) Want

*Sometimes it helps to lower expectations*

Traditionally, members of couples are similar in age, race, class, appearance, and education. But within that common background, men tend to marry women slightly below themselves, per the marriage gradient discussed above. To determine the extent to which students were comfortable with unequal relationships, and with traditional and untraditional inequalities, 277 predominantly white, middle and upper middle class students (140 male, 137 female), between the ages of 18-23, completed an attitude questionnaire. Two hypothetical situations were presented, one in which the “spouse” was older, taller, more intelligent and richer, and a second scenario in which the “spouse” was younger, shorter, less intelligent, etc. Students rated their degree of comfort with each hypothetical spouse on a Likert-type scale and then explained their ratings. An analysis of the results showed that students were most comfortable with the traditional inequalities of the mating gradient. College men wanted women who were shorter and better looking than themselves; however, they also wanted similarity in earnings, intelligence, age, and education. Women wanted spouses who earned more, were older, better educated, and taller. (V. P. Makosky and B. K. Sholley, 1983)

When I conducted that research forty years ago, I thought that the mating gradient would be less powerful than it had been in the 1950s—but it wasn’t. And as best I can determine, it’s alive and well today.

Some maintain that the mating gradient is derived from biology: men are attracted to women who can bear their children, and women are attracted to men who can provide for them and their children.

Historically, the husband’s status determined the family’s status. And family wealth often passed to male heirs. Primogeniture laws in England required that noble titles (and sometimes estates) could only pass to male heirs, a state of affairs that caused great consternation for the Bennet sisters in Pride and Prejudice.

Though extreme, these two online dating profiles illustrate the mating gradient. The man on the left has included attributes he requires in a mate; the woman on the right has included things she will not accept in a mate.

The growing popularity of online dating has reflected the continuation of these trends. Researchers have demonstrated that, although everyone (53% of US respondents and 44% of British respondents) seems to lie on the their dating profiles, men and women lie about different things. Women often list their age as younger, often going so far as to post heavily manipulated photos or photos of themselves when they were younger. Men are more likely to present themselves as taller, better educated, and wealthier than reality. Everyone lies about their weight or level of physical fitness.

Effects on Women

So, it may seem that women gain greater benefits from marriage than men do. But do they really?

*An article in a 1938 issue of Parade offered women tips for convincing a man to propose marriage, mostly centered around being meek and mysterious.*

This prescribed pattern for husbands and wives carries profound implications at a societal level. For example, higher status females have difficultly finding males of even higher status and lower status males have difficulty finding females of even lower status, as deemed suitable by the mating gradient. Times are changing, but it is still the case that the “best” women at the top of the gradient are likely to produce fewer children.

The actor Leonardo DiCaprio is notorious (and widely mocked) for dating women increasingly younger than himself. Perhaps the availability index no longer applies to multi-millionaire movie stars.
(image by Sarah Lerner)

Although changes in fertility and in mortality are contributing factors, the ubiquitous norm that husbands should be older than their wives is paramount. This mating gradient is the most significant determinant of the competition for mates as it is experienced by older unmarried women compared with older unmarried men. Some app creators have capitalized on this state by marketing online dating apps specifically tailored to older people.

Jean E. Veevers created “availability indices” to estimate the number of unmarried persons of the opposite sex potentially available for every 100 unmarried persons. For men, availability indices are low in the 20s, and they increase with advancing age to about one-to-one in their 50s. For women, access to potential grooms is highest in the 20s and decreases with advancing age until, in their 50s, there are only 50 potential grooms per 100 unmarried women. (The “Real” Marriage Squeeze: Mate Selection, Mortality, and the Mating Gradient, Jean E. Veevers, University of Victoria.)

Effects on Society

*Where does ketchup fall on the mating gradient?*

Consider the implications for women’s mental health of always being the lesser partner. Who makes decisions for the family? Whose job/work/profession takes precedence? Who has the power? At least historically, some states had laws concerning the right of domicile, such that if a wife refused to relocate with her husband, he could divorce her on grounds of desertion.

Consider the implications for men. How can a man respect his wife? Can he trust her to problem solve? To handle finances, car repair, etc., as he ages? What happens to that dynamic in the face of developing illness or disability?

Women have a significantly higher frequency of depression and anxiety in adulthood, while men have a higher prevalence of substance use disorders and antisocial behaviors. In my opinion, the roles that accompany the mating gradient contribute to these mental heath issues.

Women are more likely to internalize emotions, which typically results in withdrawal, loneliness, and depression. Men are more likely to externalize emotions, leading to aggressive, impulsive, coercive, and non-compliant behavior.

Gender inequality has a significant impact on mental health for men and women. Women and persons of marginalized genders exhibit higher levels of stress, anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Bottom Line: In my opinion, each partner should be “superior” on some but not all of the mating gradient factors.

THAT JUST ISN’T NORMAL!

Posted on March 28, 2023March 28, 2023 by vlaw759

I’m not talking crazy or aberrant or clownish. No, I’m talking about the paranormal, events or phenomena that are beyond the scope of normal scientific understanding.

Storytellers have always been fascinated by characters with superhuman abilities. Throughout human history, such paranormal abilities have appeared in nearly every culture in the world. They are sometimes attributed to historical figures and sometimes relegated to mythical figures (though history and myth often overlap).

Mind Over Matter

Telekinesis or psychokinesis is the (supposed, or hypothetical) psychic ability to move objects at a distance by mental power or other nonphysical means. A 2006 survey of American adults found that 28% of male and 31% of female respondents believe in the possibility of telekinesis. (WikiHow offers a 14 step guide to developing your own telekinetic abilities here!)

*Rama, avatar of Vishnu, in battle against Ravana*

In ancient myths, characters often had paranormal control over elements of the natural world (such as storms or animals) rather than direct control of materials. There are a few notable exceptions. The Norse god Thor and the Greek hero Perseus controlled their weapons through limited telekinesis. Thor could make his hammer Mjölnir fly around, entirely independent of gravity. Perseus was able to make his sword fly further and more accurately than he could throw it to strike Medusa. Vishnu had broader telekinetic abilities, which he used to control the movement of his enemies in battle.

*Franklin Richards (Ultraman) with parents Sue Storm (Invisible Woman) and Reed Richard (Mr Fantastic)*

In the comic book world (specifically, in Marvel comics), Franklin Richards, omega-level mutant and son of Reed and Sue, is probably one of the most powerful beings in the Marvel Universe let alone just the most powerful telekinetic.

Extra Sensing

By definition, clairvoyance is the ability to predict future events. If you are clairvoyant, you know about things that you did not actually see happen or hear about. Some clairvoyants even claim to be able to speak to the dead.

Psychics, palm readers and fortune tellers all claim to have clairvoyant power. Some use a crystal ball for information. Others read tea leaves, tarot cards, marked sticks, bird movements, animal entrails, clouds, stars, bones or dice, dreams, water, smoke, and almost anything else they encounter to tell the future.

Extrasensory perception, or ESP, means the ability to “know” or “experience” something one isn’t able to see, hear, touch, smell, or taste in the usual way. So, such people are said to have an extra sense, a “sixth sense” to perceive the world.

Sometimes people refer to this paranormal ability as second sight. People use their eyes to see the world around them. But those with “second sight” claim to see things that are not there (remote viewing), or to see future objects or events.

ESP in History

Many leaders have consulted those with paranormal abilities throughout history. The ancient Greeks communed with the gods through the oracles. Priests in the Mali Empire advised emperors and military leaders on the wishes of the ancestors. Vedic astrologers read complex charts of the stars to provide Hindu rulers with specific dates and times on which to hold major events.

But our ancient ancestors are not the only ones who consulted clairvoyant experts when making decisions.

Nancy Reagan frequently consulted with Joan Quigley throughout Ronald Reagan’s presidency. After John Hinckley Jr shot and nearly killed her husband in 1981, Nancy Reagan enlisted Quigley’s help to prevent future assassination attempts. Quigley used astrology charts to determine the best times for public appearances, traveling, and even signing the intermediate-range nuclear forces treaty with Mikhail Gorbachev.

About ten years ago, a scandal erupted in China when Liu Zhijun, the Railway Minister, confessed to consulting a feng shui master to determine the most auspicious days to break ground on new projects.

Nechung Oracle in Ladakh, 2014
Christpher Michele

Tibet has a State Oracle, the Nechung Oracle, whom the Dalai Lama consults before making major decisions. The Oracle enters a trance state to act as a medium between the natural world and the spirit world. While in this trance state, the Nechung Oracle provides guidance to observers, sharing the knowledge and wishes of kuten, the spirit world.

In the US, one of the most famous psychics in recent history is Youree Dell Harris, better known as Miss Cleo, spokeswoman for the Psychic Readers Network. On late-night infomercials for the pay-per-view paranormal service promised millions of insomniacs psychic help.

ESP in Fiction

Paranormal abilities present a world of possibilities to fiction writers as well. Stephen King’s books are full of characters with psychic talents, such as reading minds (The Shining), predicting the future (Doctor Sleep), pyrokinesis (Firestarter), psychic surgery (Green Mile), and necromancy (Pet Semetary).

Macbeth and the Witches
Johann Heinrich Füssli (1741–1825)

Clairvoyants abound in Shakespeare’s plays, warning characters about things that will come and providing foreshadowing to the audience. Three witches guide Macbeth in his quest to become king, ultimately causing his downfall. A soothsayer tries to warn Julius Caesar of his impending death.

Comic books frequently star characters with a wide variety of paranormal abilities, some more useful than others. Nearly every character in Marvel’s X-Men universe has some form of psychic or telekinetic ability. They range from the extremely powerful telepath Jean Grey (Phoenix) to Eye Scream, a mutant with the amazing ability to turn himself into any flavor of ice cream.

Types of ESP

Wikipedia breaks down Extra Sensory Perception into specific categories, though there is some overlap.

Clairvoyance — The ability to see things and events that are happening far away, and locate objects, places, people, using a sixth sense.

Divination – The ability to gain insight into a situation using occult lists.

*Dowsing for metal ore, from 1556 “**De re metallica libri XII**” book*

Dowsing – The ability to locate water or other resources underground, sometimes using a tool called a dowsing rod.

Dream telepathy – The ability to telepathically communicate with another person through dreams.

Dermo-optical perception – The ability to perceive unusual sensory stimuli through one’s own skin.

Psychometry or psychoscopy – The ability to obtain information about a person or an object by touch.

Bag with objects for divination
Africa, 1880-1920

Precognition (including psychic premonitions) – The ability to perceive or gain knowledge about future events, without using induction or deduction from known facts.

Remote viewing, telesthesia or remote sensing – The ability to see a distant or unseen target using extrasensory perception.

Retrocognition or postcognition – The ability to supernaturally perceive past events.

Telepathy – The ability to transmit or receive thoughts supernaturally.

And so we come to psychics, people who have one or more of these paranormal mental powers and abilities (such as the ability to predict the future, to know what other people are thinking, or to receive messages from dead people.)

Psychic Abilities

Wikipedia presents a list of alleged psychic abilities that real-world people have claimed to possess.

*“The Separation of the Spirit Body” from **The Secret of the Golden Flower**, a Chinese handbook on alchemy and meditation*

Astral projection or mental projection – The ability to voluntarily project an astral body or mental body, being associated with the out-of-body experience, in which one’s consciousness is felt to separate from the physical body temporarily.

Atmokinesis – The ability to control the weather such as calling rainfall or storms.
Automatic writing – The ability to draw or write without conscious intent.
Bilocation — The ability to be present in two different places at the same time, usually attributed to a saint.
Energy medicine – The ability to heal with one’s own empathic, etheric, astral, mental or spiritual energy.
Ergokinesis – The ability to influence the movement of energy, such as electricity, without direct interaction.
Iddhi – Psychic abilities gained through Buddhist meditation.
Inedia – The ability to survive without eating or drinking, multiple cases have resulted in starvation or dehydration.

*An advertising poster depicting magician Harry Kellar performing the “Levitation of Princess Karnac” illusion, 1894*

Levitation or transvection – The ability to float or fly by mystical means.
Materialization — The creation of objects and materials or the appearance of matter from unknown sources.
Mediumship or channeling – The ability to communicate with spirits.
Petrification — The power to turn a living being to stone by looking them in the eye.
Prophecy (also prediction, premonition, or prognostication) — the ability to foretell events, without using induction or deduction from known facts.
Psychic surgery – The ability to remove disease or disorder within or over the body tissue via an “energetic” incision that heals immediately afterwards.
Psychokinesis or telekinesis – The ability to influence a physical system without physical interaction, typically manifesting as being able to exert force, control objects and move matter with one’s mind.
Pyrokinesis – The ability to control flames, fire, or heat using one’s mind.

Shapeshifting or transformation — The ability to physically transform the user’s body into anything.
Thoughtography – The ability to impress an image by ‘burning’ it on a surface using one’s own mind only.
Xenoglossy — The ability of a person to suddenly learn to write and speak a foreign language without any natural means such as studying or research, but that is often rather bestowed by divine agents.
Witnessing – The gift of being visited by high profile spiritual beings such as Mary, Jesus or Fudosama (Acala) from Buddhist Traditions.

BOTTOM LINE: Who knew there were so many ways to be not normal? Surely one appeals to you—or maybe more than one!

I’M NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM!

Posted on March 21, 2023March 22, 2023 by vlaw759

Imposter syndrome is that gnawing feeling of self-doubt and incompetence coupled with the dread of being exposed as a fraud. Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, or perceived fraudulence), involves feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite education, experience, and accomplishments.

Famous “Imposters”

Phoenix Performance Partners listed 18 famous people who suffer imposter syndrome. They discussed it openly, and I’ve quoted them here.

“The exaggerated esteem in which my lifework is held makes me very ill at ease. I feel compelled to think of myself as an involuntary swindler.”
Albert Einstein: Nobel Prize-winning Physicist

“I have written 11 books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’”
Maya Angelou: Nobel Laureate, poet, author

“I still have a little impostor syndrome… It doesn’t go away, that feeling that you shouldn’t take me that seriously. What do I know? I share that with you because we all have doubts in our abilities, about our power and what that power is.”
Michelle Obama: lawyer, author, former First Lady

“Very few people, whether you’ve been in that job before or not, get into the seat and believe today that they are now qualified to be the CEO. They’re not going to tell you that, but it’s true.”
Howard Schultz: former CEO of Starbucks

“Every time I took a test, I was sure that it had gone badly. And every time I didn’t embarrass myself — or even excelled — I believed that I had fooled everyone yet again. One day soon, the jig would be up.”
Sheryl Sandberg: Harvard graduate, Facebook COO, author of Lean In

“There are an awful lot of people out there who think I’m an expert. How do these people believe all this about me? I’m so much aware of all the things I don’t know.”
Dr. Margaret Chan: former Director General of the World Health Organization

“Today, I feel much like I did when I came to Harvard Yard as a freshman in 1999. I felt like there had been some mistake, that I wasn’t smart enough to be in this company, and that every time I opened my mouth I would have to prove that I wasn’t just a dumb actress.”
Natalie Portman: Harvard graduate, Academy Award winning actress

“No matter what we’ve done, there comes a point where you think, ‘How did I get here? When are they going to discover that I am, in fact, a fraud and take everything away from me?’”
Tom Hanks: Academy Award winning actor and filmmaker

“I’d been obsessed with going to Cambridge even before I’d learned English, and my mother had somehow helped make it happen from our one-bedroom apartment in Athens. I felt like there I finally was, but the minute I opened my mouth, people would know I didn’t really belong. My mother taught me that fearlessness isn’t the absence of fear, but the mastery of it. I leaned into my fear by trying to get into the Cambridge Union (the debating society,) where I eventually became the first foreign president. What I learned was that what you have to say is more important than how you sound, which is to say that that feeling that we don’t belong is much more likely to come from us — from that obnoxious roommate inside our heads — than it is from someone else (who is likely dealing with their own forms of imposter syndrome).”
Arianna Huffington: author, columnist, founder of Huffington Post

“Yes, you’re an impostor. So am I and so is everyone else. Superman still lives on Krypton and the rest of us are just doing our best.”
Seth Godin: author, lecturer, teacher, business owner

“The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania, and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh god, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!’ So you just try to ride the egomania when it comes and enjoy it, and then slide through the idea of fraud.”
Tina Fey: comedian, author, and actor, winner of Emmy Awards, Golden Globe Awards, Screen Actor’s Guild Awards, and the youngest ever recipient of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor

“I have spent my years since Princeton, while at law school and in my various professional jobs, not feeling completely a part of the worlds I inhabit. I am always looking over my shoulder wondering if I measure up.”
Sonia Sotomayor: Supreme Court justice

“I go through acute imposter syndrome with every role. I think winning an Oscar may in fact have made it worse. Now I’ve achieved this, what am I going to do next? What do I strive for? Then I remember that I didn’t get into acting for the accolades, I got into it for the joy of telling stories.”
Lupita Nyong’o: Academy Award winning actress

“It’s almost like the better I do, the more my feeling of inadequacy actually increases, because I’m just going, ‘Any moment, someone’s going to find out I’m a total fraud, and that I don’t deserve any of what I’ve achieved.”
Emma Watson: actress, UN Women Global Goodwill Ambassador, founder of the United Nations HeForShe campaign

“On the first season of Top Chef, I suffered from impostor syndrome.”
Padma Lakshmi: author, model, host of Top Chef, UN Goodwill Ambassador, founder of the Endometriosis Foundation of America

“I think even being an actress for over a decade now, I still have imposter syndrome. Where you’re asking yourself, ‘Oh, is this really what I’m supposed to be doing?’”
Maisie Williams: award winning actress and producer

“Who doesn’t suffer from imposter syndrome? Even when I sold my business for $66 Million, I felt like an absolute fraud!”
Barbara Corcoran‍:‍‍ real estate mogul and long-time judge on Shark Tank

“There were two Venus Williamses in our family. It was crazy… my parents would make me order first, but once she ordered, I’d change my mind. It was tough for me to stop being Venus and become the person I am.”
Serena Williams: considered the grestest women’s tennis player of all time, winner of 23 Grand Slam singles titles

Conclusion: how one sees oneself may defy all sorts of external validation.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

According to a 2020 review featured in Medical News Today, 9%–82% of people experience impostor syndrome— a range so broad as to be almost meaningless! But whatever. The numbers vary depending on who participates in a study.

Imposter syndrome is prevalent within the tech industry, with about 58% of tech employees stating that they currently experience some form of the condition within their careers. It’s especially common in software engineers, developers, and designers.

Many people experience symptoms for a limited time, such as in the first few weeks of a new job. For others, the experience can be lifelong.

Imposter syndrome is likely the result of multiple factors, including personality traits (such as perfectionism) and family background. One theory is that imposter syndrome is rooted in families that value achievement above all else.

Women Beware!

In their Women’s Leadership Summit Report (2022), international financial auditing firm network KPMG announced some interesting findings

75% of executive women report having personally experienced imposter syndrome at certain points in their career
85% believe imposter syndrome is commonly experienced by women in corporate America
74% percent of executive women believe that their male counterparts do not experience feelings of self-doubt as much as female leaders do
81% believe they put more pressure on themselves not to fail than men do

What might explain these gender differences? In studies of how women and men explain their successes and failures, women tend to attribute their successes to luck or other external factors while blaming themselves for failures. Men are the opposite: they attribute their successes to talent and hard work and blame failures on luck or other external factors.

However, a report published in Harvard Business Review suggests that women experiencing self-doubt in the workplace may be facing systemic discrimination and exclusion rather than imposter syndrome. When accomplished, capable, intelligent women are consistently reminded, both subtly and overtly, that they do not belong in the upper echelons of power, it is inevitable that some of them will begin to internalize this message.

Recognizing Imposter Syndrome

Symptoms of impostor syndrome can look different for different people, though there are some consistent and tell-tale red flags. Symptoms might include

*Holy stunt doubles, Bat Man! …er, Spider Man!*

Extreme lack of self confidence
Feelings of inadequacy
Constant comparison to other people
Anxiety
Self doubt
Distrust in one’s own intuition and capabilities
Negative self-talk
Irrational fears of the future

In professional settings, efforts to counter these feelings might include taking on extra work to make sure you’re “doing it all”; shrugging off accolades; not responding to job postings unless you meet every single requirement; working harder and holding yourself to ever higher standards.

Though the impostor phenomenon isn’t an official diagnosis listed in the DSM, psychologists and others acknowledge that it is a very real and specific form of intellectual self-doubt. Besides anxiety, impostor feelings are often accompanied by depression. FYI, women are nearly twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with depression.

The Flip Side of Imposter Syndrome

On the opposite side of imposter syndrome sits overconfidence, otherwise known as the Dunning-Kruger Effect. It derives its name from a study published in 1999 by David Dunning and Justin Kruger in the Journal of Economic Psychology. While imposter syndrome develops when one underestimates their own values, skills, and accomplishments, those experiencing the Dunning-Kruger effect do the reverse. Some say this syndrome is much more harmful because people without competence are extremely confident.

Bottom line: Note your own tendencies toward imposter syndrome and stay in touch with reality.

*Something tells me these Disney heroines may be imposters.*

EXTERNAL VALIDATION: WHO NEEDS IT?

Posted on March 7, 2023March 7, 2023 by vlaw759

*Olympic Gold Medals are Pretty Good Signals of External Validation*

Short answer = everybody needs external validation.

We all begin life in a state of complete reliance on external validation. From cues we receive from others around us, we form opinions about whether our behaviors/opinions/attitudes/beliefs/values are good and praiseworthy — or not. For example:

Is it okay to take food off another person’s plate?
Is there a god? And if so, which one?
Is going to a place of worship necessary?
Is walking naked down the street acceptable?
Is the world a safe place?
When is it okay to lie?
What sort of beauty, hygiene, or grooming standards are most desirable?
Is sex before marriage okay?
Is it okay to be LGBTQ?
What obligations are owed to family members?
Are handwritten thank you notes necessary?

When we are validated by others it feels good, and this tends to make us want to behave in a similar fashion in the future, in order to experience the same good feelings. Seeking validation from others means seeking their approval for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, choices, values, and actions.

Social psychologist C. H. Cooley called this reliance on external validation “The Looking Glass Self.” In his book On Self and Social Organization, he summed up humans’ tendency to rely on others’ perceptions to form their own sense of identity as “I am not what I think I am and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think I am.”

A Necessary Thing

Seeking external validation in unfamiliar situations is normal, healthy, and valuable.

You need to be able to take instructions and constructive criticism from others in order to collaborate with peers or even simply to function in society. Thus, as adults, external validation is a necessary part of being human, even if the American ideal of individualism tells us otherwise.

The desire to seek validation stems from the basic human need to be liked and accepted by others. If all our behaviors, opinions, attitudes, and beliefs are ignored or wrong (based on cues from others), low self-esteem is a likely result. If one has a fragile sense of self-worth, it can be hard to validate one’s own experiences, resulting in a need to seek approval from others.

Seeking validation from others has become a common way of living. Often we do things hoping to be praised by others so that we can feel good about ourselves. Or we avoid doing or saying something because we worry that we will be criticized by someone for our opinion, idea, action, or choice.

The need for external validation is at an all-time high. More than ever, people want to feel seen and heard and to know their life matters. Indeed, perhaps the extensive use of social media is evidence of that. When you turn down the volume of everything going on in the world around you, these questions are probably on repeat in the back of your mind, too.

A Good Thing

You don’t need to seek external validation for it to feel good! Whether someone compliments you at work, comments on a picture you posted, or expresses gratitude for you, this is external validation.

Career External Validation — *The Ultimate Sign of External Validation in One’s Career*

In some cases, external validation is more concrete than in others. For example:

Pay raises
Promotions
Scholarships or fellowships
Medals
Awards
Winning elections
Making the NYT bestsellers list

Good news: If you are in a relationship that makes you feel heard, valued, and understood, the positive effects spread. Having someone who understands and validates your feelings can be nothing short of fulfilling. Such validation builds one’s self-esteem and one’s confidence in a broader sense.

As Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel said, “Self-love is about letting others love us even when we feel unlovable because their version of us is kinder than our own.”

Too Much of a Good Thing

Some people need constant validation because they’re not confident in their own abilities. Some say that the root cause of most approval-seeking behavior is low self-esteem. This feeling of inferiority stems from factors like inherent personality, upbringing, peer pressure, education, culture, and work-life. As negative feedback accumulates over time, the need to seek approval for anything and everything grows.

Besides low self-esteem, attention-seeking behavior may stem from jealousy, loneliness, or as a result of a personality disorder.

While desiring external validation is normal and healthy, it can go too far when desiring praise and attention from others becomes an addiction, and/or when it is not balanced by healthy levels of self-esteem. Why do you need constant validation? Dr Preeti Kocchar, says that people crave attention for a variety of reasons, including—in some extreme cases—the presence of personality disorders.

*Perhaps Not the Sort of Recognition One Wants*

For example:

Narcissists constantly need attention and validation. They constantly try to elicit praise and approval from others to shore up their fragile egos, but no matter how much they’re given, they always want more.
Histrionic personality disorder is a type of psychiatric disorder that features attention-seeking behaviors, seductive behavior, and emotional over-reaction.
Perfectionism also leads us to constantly seek positive approval from others, impeding our ability to accept constructive feedback from others or internal validation from ourselves.

What does an unhealthy reliance on external validation look like? Not being able to confront people or disagree, changing your thoughts and beliefs because someone else either approves or disapproves, and ascribing your self-worth to the approval of others — all are examples of a reliance on external validation.

People always looking for external validation to feel good about themselves can be extremely irritating, leading to negative feedback, resulting in a greater need for external validation … a vicious circle.

Do You Rely Too Much on External Validation?

You may be searching for too much external validation if you find yourself doing the following:

Feeling guilty about setting boundaries with others.
Overachieving in an attempt to garner praise from others.
Pretending to be unable to do something so someone will teach, help, or watch the attempt to do it.
Expressing controversial opinions or behaviors primarily to provoke a reaction in others.
Pointing out acgievements or “humble bragging” to elicit compliments.
Embellishing stories to gain praise or sympathy.
Jumping from relationship to relationship without taking the time to heal because you feel you can’t be alone.

Want to seek external validation less? Try these five ways:

Trust yourself.
Stop comparing yourself with others.
Be aware of your actions.
Practice self-love.
Don’t measure yourself on the basis of social media likes.

Bottom Line: Everyone seeks external validation sometimes, in some situations—which is not only natural and healthy, but also necessary. However, in this case, too much of a good thing is NOT still a good thing.

“Just Friends”?

Posted on February 14, 2023February 14, 2023 by vlaw759

Today’s blog post was written by Kathleen Corcoran

The term “just friends” makes me grit my teeth every time I hear it. It implies that romantic and sexual relationships are somehow worth more than platonic friends. Friendship is relegated to a consolation prize or afterthought.

An Irish Gaelic word, anamchara, captures the importance of intimate friends in our lives. It means both friend and soul mate. In the Martyrology of Oengus, Brigid of Kildare said, “Anyone without a soul friend is like a body without a head.”

The ancient Greeks agreed. Aristotle defined friends as “A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”

So if friends are the other parts of our souls, why does society (and the media) refer to intimate companions as “just friends”?

Humans are a Friendly Species

Since the days of wandering tribes of hunter/ gatherers, homo sapiens have needed to rely on the strength of the community for individual survival.

The benefits start in childhood. People who spent more time with friends as a child are likely to have a lower body mass index and blood pressure as adults.

Being around friends causes humans’ brains to release dopamine, norepinephrin, vassopresin, oxytocin, and serotonin, making people happier, calmer, less stressed, and more likely to survive and recover from difficult situations.

Having intimate friends decreases your chances of developing dementia.

When in proximity to friends or other loved ones, a person’s brain releases fewer stress hormones in response to threats.

People with close friends have lower rates of cardiac disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and excessive abdominal fat. If they have a heart attack, people who report not feeling lonely are much more likely to survive.

Even the perception of having the emotional and practical support of friends improves the likelihood of a good outcome when a person goes through hard times.

Having friends is even good for your career! According to a Harvard Business Review study, women with strong friendship circles, particularly when those friendship circles are primarily other women, advance more in their careers and earn 2.5 times higher pay.

“Just friends” keep us alive and healthy!

We Need Friends More Than Family or Romance

**Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make-and Keep- Friends**
by Dr. Marisa Franco

As Dr. Marisa Franco wrote in Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make-and Keep- Friends, intimate friendships provide people with unique benefits that other relationships cannot. Friends provide emotional support without getting bogged down in decisions about retirement and childcare. Platonic friends have all the intimacy of romantic relationships without the obligation to provide sexual gratification.

Katherine Wu divides love into lust, attraction, and attachment. Intimate friends combine the attraction (dopamine, norepinephrin, and serotonin) of romantic relationships with the attachment (oxytocin and vasopressin) of family relationships without the libido involvement (estrogen and testosterone) of lustful relationships.

A study by William J. Chopik found that people with strong relationships with friends and with family experience better health and happiness overall. However, at advanced ages, people with intimate friendships have better health even than those with strong family ties. This might be because friendships that last into old age have already withstood the test of time.

Many women experience more intimacy with same-sex friends than they do with romantic partners.

Close friends (and family and romantic partners) develop similar brain-wave patterns when they are together. However, when they part, friends keep those similar patterns longer than they do with familial or romantic intimates.

That’s a lot of brain chemistry and health benefits from people who are “just friends.”

Things Weren’t Always This Way

*Gilgamesh and Enkidu shared what might now be called a “romantic friendship.”*

Until recently, most people married for reasons of politics, progeny, or property. According to Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage, the understanding of marriage as an emotional institution did not arise until the 19th century.

Before then, people much more commonly turned to friends for emotional intimacy and affection. Friends kissed and cuddled each other, slept together, and provided the kind of support that, today, society only condones in romantic relationships.

When his friend Enkidu dies, Gilgamesh mourns him, saying, “My friend Enkidu, whom I loved so dear, who with me went through every danger, the doom of mortals overtook him.”

In the Bible, King David said of his friend Jonathon, “Your love was wonderful to me, passing the love of women.”

When he lived in Springfield, Illinois, Abraham Lincoln had a very close friend named Joshua Fry Speed, with whom he shared a bed and had pillow fights in his pyjamas.

With the rise of women’s suffrage came more female-only spaces, such as women’s colleges, where intimate friendships developed into new traditions and forms of expression.

When a Vassar girl takes a shine to another, she straightway enters upon a regular course of bouquet sendings, interspersed with tinted notes, mysterious packages of “Ridley’s Mixed Candies,” locks of hair perhaps, and many other tender tokens, until at last the object of her attentions is captured, the two women become inseparable, and the aggressor is considered by her circle of acquaintances as — smashed.
Yale student newspaper, 1873

The Lord of Montaigne, a Renaissance-era French philosopher even claimed that friendship was so intense and intimate that women could not understand it.

Seeing (to speake truly) that the ordinary sufficiency of women cannot answer this conference and communication, the nurse of this sacred bond: nor seem their minds strong enough to endure the pulling of a knot so hard, so fast, and durable.
Michel Eyquem, Sieur de Montaigne

John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton
detail from The Surrender of Lord Cornwallis by John Trunbull

Letters to friends frequently included language that modern writers would reserve for romantic or sexual partners.

In 1779, Alexander Hamilton wrote to his friend John Laurens, “Cold in my professions, warm in [my] friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it m[ight] be in my power, by action rather than words, [to] convince you that I love you.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said of his friends, “What is so delicious as a just and firm encounter of two, in a thought, in a feeling?”

So how did people move from intimate companions, romantic friendship, and soul mates to … “just friends”?

Blame Technology

Well, sort of. For most of our history as a species, humans have lived in small communities with strong social networks. During the Industrial Revolution, people moved to cities in droves, where those strong social networks were more difficult to maintain. Instead, people turned for intimacy (as well as child-rearing and basic survival) to romantic partners and connections within the nuclear family.

*Friends work together to pull heavy loads.*

Until the 1800s, the word “loneliness” did not exist. The closest word in English, “oneliness,” simply meant being without other people, without any negative connotations. A growing consumer economy, research in psychiatry, and a spreading understanding of evolutionary biology emphasized the importance of the individual alone rather than as a member of the community.

The closed doors and relative anonymity of living in a crowd also changed people’s understanding of sexual orientation and intimacy. Victorian ideals of male and female behavior as being opposite and complementary meant that people restricted their opposite-sex friendships for fear of signalling romantic attraction.

At the same time, people restricted their friendships with those of the same sex due to new fears of perceived homosexuality. As Dr. Marisa Franco wrote in Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make-and Keep- Friends, “Our discomfort with affection in friendships coincides with the rise of homophobia as it is expressed today.”

Psychiatrists like Sigmund Freud and Richard von Kraft-Ebbing characterized romance among people of the same gender as a sexual disorder, creating the concept of sexual identity. As historian Lilian Faderman writes in Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers, the turn of the 20th century “was also the beginning of a lengthy period of general closing off of most affectional possibilities between women. The precious intimacies that adult females had been allowed to enjoy with each other earlier — sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, exchanging vows of eternal love, writing letters in the language of romance — became increasingly self-conscious and then rare.”

Homohysteria, the fear of being perceived as being homosexual, drastically curtailed people’s demonstrations of affection and intimacy among their friends. Before the 19th century, society stigmatized people for non-cormforming sexual acts but not for attraction or for non-sexual behaviors. Freud and Kraft-Ebbing, among others, created the modern definitions of sexual identity, which included homophobia.

Today, people are lonelier than ever. People shy away from expressions of intimacy and love with friends lest they be perceived as declarations of romantic or sexual attraction.

Social media technology, despite filling our screens with the activities of friends, can actually make us lonelier. When people use social media platforms to facilitate face-to-face interactions, they report less loneliness and stronger relationships. However, when they replace face-to-face interactions with activity on social media platforms, they report weaker relationships and stronger feelings of isolation. Research tells us that there is no replacement for communicating with or spending time with intimate friends.

Today, on St. Valentine’s Day, I’d like to celebrate all the friendly people reading this. Friends make us happier and less stressed. Friends help us in our careers. Friends keep us healthy and sometimes even keep us alive. Friends make our lives better in innumerable ways. Friends are so much more than “just friends.”

FLUTTERBIES!

Posted on January 31, 2023February 6, 2023 by vlaw759

AKA Butterflies. When my grandson was two, I took him to a butterfly garden. I carried him for the entire visit hiding his eyes against my neck, whimpering. I guess the flashes of color were too surprising, too unfamiliar.

Butterfly garden in Union, NJ — *Butterfly Garden in Union, New Jersey*

Fortunately, he didn’t become lepidopterophobic. However, there are people with an irrational fear of butterflies and moths.

For those of us who welcome butterflies, their season is coming. June is the main flight period for many butterfly beauties, including swallowtail, black hairstreak, large blue, marsh fritillary, and glanville fritillary. There are almost 20,000 butterfly species.

Butterflies are Fascinating!

Butterfly puddling — *Dryas Lulias butterfly puddling in the tears of a turtle*

Butterflies use chemoreceptors on their feet to taste.
Adult butterflies of most species only live for a few weeks, although the caterpillar may take months to develop.
- Exceptions include migratory species, which may live up to 10 months.
- In warm climates there are continuous generations, producing adult butterflies year-round.
Butterflies have a liquid diet using a flexible tongue called the proboscis, which resembles a tube.
In addition to nectar, butterflies seek out nutrients in moist environments, such as mud, tears, and puddles. Scientists call this behavior “puddling.”

Black hairstreak butterfly — *Black Hairstreak* *Butterfly*

Butterflies will happily drink blood if they come across it, though they do not seek it out.
Nectar-filled plants naturally attract butterflies:
- Joe-Pye weed
- Ironweed
- Coneflowers
- Goldenrod
- Brightly-hued asters
Butterflies actually have four wings, not two.
Butterflies can perceive ultraviolet light.
Butterflies have three body sections- head, thorax and abdomen. Other than this, they have two antennae, complex eyes, and an exoskeleton just like all other insects.

Butterfly wings are transparent.
Scales called lamellar cover a butterfly’s wings, giving them the patterns and colors we see.
The dust you may see on your finger after touching a lepidopteran wing is actually made up of tiny wing scales (modified hairs). If too many scales are rubbed away, the wing is more likely to tear or fail.
At night, or when the day is cloudy, adult butterflies rest by hanging upside down from leaves or twigs, where they are hidden among the foliage.
- They become quiescent but do not sleep like mammals do.
Butterflies are able to learn signs that nectar is present.
Adult butterflies communicate mostly through chemical cues—the males produce chemicals called pheromones to seduce the females.
- Additionally, a few species communicate with sound. The male Cracker butterfly (Hamadryas) can make loud noises with his wings.

Tiger swallowtail butterfly — *Tiger Swallowtail* *Butterfly*

Size varies greatly:
- One of the smallest butterflies is the Eastern Pygmy Blue (Brephidium isophthalma), from the coastal southeastern United States, with a wingspan of about 5/8 of an inch.
- Among the largest are the Queen Alexandra Birdwing butterflies (Ornithoptera alexandrae) from New Guinea, with wingspans of up to 12 inches.
Butterflies have the ability to go through a full metamorphosis; their life cycle includes four stages – egg, larva, pupa, and adult.
If you see two adult butterflies with their abdomens linked tail-to-tail, they are mating. The male grasps the female and deposits a sperm packet, which fertilizes the female’s eggs.
- Butterflies can fly while mating, but they usually avoid moving unless they are disturbed.

Tiny sensory hairs called tactile setae cover a butterfly’s body.
Butterflies have huge compound eyes with numerous light-sensitive lenses, both of which have their own refractive systems and which together contribute to the formation of the image.
Butterflies have a long chambered heart that runs the length of its body on the upper side.
Butterflies must have a body temperature of 86F or above in order to fly.
Some species of butterflies can fly at speeds of up to 3, 4.9-12.4, 25,or 30 mph depending on the source cited.
According to entomologists, butterflies do not feel pain.
Butterflies (and moths) can remember what they learned as caterpillars.
Some butterflies protect themselves through camouflage—by folding up their wings, they reveal the undersides and blend in with their surroundings.
If you want a butterfly to land on you, stand still and don’t wear perfume, aftershave, etc.

Parthenos Sylvia Butterfly — *Common Brimstone Butterfly*

Facts About Monarch Butterflies

They’re bright orange and poisonous.
They weigh less than a paperclip.
Pilots have reported seeing monarch butterflies as high as two miles up.
Monarch larvae are picky eaters, thriving on a diet of milkweed, which is poisonous to most animals.
Males release pheromones from scent glands on their back wings to attract females.
They migrate from the Great Lakes to the Gulf of Mexico, a distance of about 2,000 miles, and return to the north again in the spring.
Overwintering monarchs live up to eight months, while other generations only live about two to six weeks.

Save the Flutterbies!

So why am I writing about butterflies in January? Because the Environmental Defense Fund sent a flyer, “Butterflies are disappearing,” that cites pretty alarming statistics.

“Across the country, the entire monarch butterfly population has collapsed by nearly 1 billion since 1990.” It is now officially endangered. Many species of butterflies have already gone extinct.

Of course the point was to solicit donations to help restore butterfly habitats. But besides being eye candy, why bother about butterflies?

Like bees, they are plant pollinators for many veggies and herbs, such as carrots, legumes, and mint
About 1/3 of our food supply depends on butterflies as well as other pollinators
They control the populations of insects like aphids
They are food for birds and small mammals

Butterfly personality is a thing! We all know the social butterfly! This personality is social and influencing. They need to interact with others and are friendly, charming, persuasive, talkative, impulsive, and optimistic. They are usually good leaders and can motivate others.

Butterflies represent new beginnings, giving us hope for what the future has to bring. Their fluttering wings bring beauty to many! All across the globe, butterflies are viewed as symbols of rebirth, representing change, hope, endurance, and life!

“[Butterflies] represent strength, endurance, spirituality, trust, sustaining what they believe, transformation, and evolution.”
Cristina Panescu

BOTTOM LINE: What’s not to love about about butterflies?

Papilio Machaon — *Large Blue Butterfly*

SECRETS!

Posted on January 17, 2023January 19, 2023 by vlaw759

The word “secret” implies scandalous, illegal, or at least embarrassing. Actually, it could be anything that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others. Note: intention is essential; that’s what separates secrets from things merely unknown.

Of course there are “official” secrets: state secrets, corporate secrets, secret formulas/recipes, even secret ingredients. All can be important, even interesting.

But most of the secrets in our lives are personal, such as

The first erect penis I ever saw was my brother’s.
I overheard people at my sister’s concert talking about what a terrible musician she is.
My father in law helps me remember my wedding anniversary every year.
I put already dead batteries in obnoxiously loud kids’ toys.
I’ve had sex with 13 men.
I lose on purpose when playing video games with my spouse.
I’m afraid to see a therapist, because then I might have confirmation of what I suspect.
My dog is a better sleep partner than my spouse.
I never wear pants when on video calls for work.
I resent the cat for stealing my spouse’s affection.
If my dick wasn’t so small, I wouldn’t be such a great athlete.
I shave my face every day, and I’m a woman!
I haven’t washed my socks in three days.
I steal the kids’ Halloween candy.
I pretend to snore so my partner isn’t as embarrassed about her own snoring.
I shoplift at yard sales.
I fell for her when she said my sweaty body was sexy.
I’m the one who lost my sister’s Totally Hair Barbie when we were kids.
My mother is an alcoholic, and I pretend I don’t know.

PostSecrets

Perhaps surprisingly, people are eager to share their secrets!

In November of 2004, Frank Warren printed 3,000 postcards like the one below and started dropping them in public places.

PostSecret
Secrets — Top: Sample PostSecret card
Bottom: Submitted PostSecret card

Thousands of postcards poured in, in several languages—and braille—from all over the world. The project exploded beyond its original intent. By early 2006, Frank Warren had compiled early postcards into PostSecret: Extraodordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives.

The project spawned shows, exhibits, a website, and several more books: A Lifetime of Secrets (007), The Secret Lives of Men and Women (2007), My Secret (2006), and PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death, and God (2014). (Eventually the website was taken down because viewers started posting porn and attacking some of the secrets shared.)

Warren believed that sharing secrets, even anonymously, was liberating, and often therapeutic. I highly recommend any and all of these books as fascinating reading, and also as sources of insight and (for writers) inspiration.

Psychology of Secrets

The topic of secrets is so seductive that of course, psychologists got onto the topic. At Psychology Today, you’ll find a pretty comprehensive research overview in the article, Why We Keep So Many Secrets, 2022. The facts and statistics that follow are from that article.

There are 36 common types of secrets identified by researchers, and about 97% of people have a secret in at least one of those categories. The average person is currently keeping secrets in 12 or 13 of them. Examples of the categories include:

Hurting another person (emotionally or physically)
Illegal drug use, or abuse of a legal drug (e.g., alcohol, painkillers)
Habit or addiction (but not involving drugs)
Theft (any kind of taking without asking)
Something illegal (other than drugs or theft)
Physical self-harm
Abortion

Among more than 50,000 research participants surveyed, the most common secrets include a lie we’ve told (69 percent), romantic desire (61 percent), sex (58 percent), and ﬁnances (58 percent).

It’s OK to have secrets, says psychotherapist Gillian Straker. “We are definitely entitled to have our own inner subjectivity and our own inner lives. “With social media we are having less and less private space — so to have some private space, even if it’s from your partner, feels to me a positive.”

On the other hand, the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual impact of secrets are well documented. In fact, research suggests keeping secrets can significantly boost stress hormones, impact blood pressure, inhibit sleep, contribute to mental health and substance use disorders and even increase chronic pain. Every time you think about a deeply held secret, stress hormones such as cortisol can surge, impacting your memory, blood pressure, gastrointestinal tract and metabolism. “Those hormones also include norepinephrine,” Gopal Chopra, CEO of PingMD says, “which affects parts of the brain where attention and responses are controlled.

OF course, some people are more secretive than others. Some common synonyms of secretive are reserved, reticent, silent, and taciturn. While all these words mean “showing restraint in speaking,” secretive also carries a suggestion of deviousness and lack of frankness or of an ostentatious will to conceal.

Yes, there are differences between some of the secrets of women and men, at least with regard to sex. According to Justin J. Lehmiller Ph.D.:

Women are more likely to report keeping sex secrets because they don’t think their partner would understand.
Men are more likely to report keeping sex secrets because they don’t think their partner would approve of their behavior.

Bottom line: Secrets are common, numerous, wide-ranging, powerful, and personal. Consider your secrets and the pros and cons of keeping them.