Yep. I’m into body parts. I’ve blogged about feet, hands, handedness, hair, etc. Today, it’s eyes. Eyes stare, wink, and roll, among other things. For many people, eyes are the first thing they notice. They communicate all the time. But what are they saying? I’m talking about the U.S. But be aware that the meaning of eye contact varies between societies, with religious and social differences.
I think these eyes are saying, “I’m going to steal this firetruck!”
Those Lying Eyes
It’s a truism that a liar can’t look you in the eye, that people look away when lying or trying to deceive. What does the research say?
Introverts struggle to maintain eye contact when lying
Extrovert liars tend to engage in more eye contact as a way of asserting innocence
In many cultures, eye aversion is a sign of respect for the speaker
We look away when we are comfortable
We look away when we retrieve facts from our memory
We look away when we contemplate the future
We look down, move our eyes side to side, hold still, or even close our eyes as we process information
People with autistic disorders or social anxieties find eye contact particularly unsettling
Those Truthful Eyes
Squinting or narrowing the eyes indicates discomfort, stress, or anger, i.e., nothing good
When nervous or troubled, blink rate increases five times or more over the base rate
People make more eye contact with people or things they like, indicating attraction, attentiveness, interest
People look away from things/people found distasteful
Eyes can convey six basic emotions: sadness, disgust, anger, joy, fear, and surprise
Direction of gaze indicates where one’s attention lies
Eye contact is an important element of flirting
In many crowded cities (New York, London), strangers in close proximity avoid eye contact to help maintain privacy
Consider Problem Eyes
Although looking at a speaker indicates respect and/or shows you are listening, too much of a good thing might signal an effort to assert dominance.
A condition like chronic dry eye, which is accompanied by redness, watering eyes, rubbing itchy or burning eyes send negative messages, such as lack of interest, fatigue, disagreement, or disbelief.
FYI: Studies suggest that eye contact has a positive impact on the retention and recall of information—i.e., it facilitates learning.
Colorful Considerations
Eye color is genetic. Blue, green, and grey eyes are a result of recessive genes.
There is some evidence that the color of a person’s irises has some effect on personality or physical health. Though the science on that is still a bit nebulous, multiple studies have shown that eye color affects the way a person is perceived. Of course, every person is different and perceptions vary among cultures, there are some stereotypes that are more common than others.
Brown eyes
Compassionate
Humble
Warm and friendly
Outgoing, vivacious, extroverted
Fabulous kissers, fabulous lovers
Energetic
Willing to take risks
Blue eyes
Insincere, untrustworthy
Self-absorbed
Intelligent
Excelling at strategy, academic sciences (left-brained!)
Studies have shown that men with blue eyes are more likely to choose romantic partners who also have blue eyes. Men with other eye colors did not demonstrate any consistent preference.
Babies are born with blue eyes, which usually darken to other colors as melanin in the iris increases.
Hazel eyes
Determined, strong in the face of adversity
Imaginative and creative
Fall in love quickly and intensely
Self-centered
Green eyes
Self-sufficient
Confident
Emotionally restrained
Love fun and laughing
Initially reserved but ultimately quite talkative
Grey eyes
Conformist
Quiet
Sensitive, empathic
Mystical and wise
Deceptive
Bottom line for writers: Eyes are a powerful tool, but to be clear, eyes have to be interpreted in context.
Don’t discount the appeal of puppy eyes!And then there are those times when no eyes can be seen…
The first thought to come to mind is probably American Sign Language. Important as it is, that isn’t a big part of this blog, primarily because I know next to nothing about it. For information from experts in Sign Language and Deaf culture, check out these other sources:
Instead, I am going to take a look at the hand language that people pick up without really thinking about it. In spite of humans developing amazing verbal language, we still engage our hands to enhance communication of our emotions, thoughts, and meaning. Think of how hands are used by effective speakers (e.g., Hitler), magicians, and orchestra conductors, for example.
Talking Hands are a Gift for Writers!
Use hands to show rather than tell how a person is feeling, whether anxious, scared, frustrated, or confident. Mismatching words and hand movements are invaluable for indicating dishonesty, lies, or at the least a situation undermining trust.
Hand slang is culture-bound. By hand slang, I mean gestures that convey a specific meaning in a particular culture. For example, in the United States, the following gestures are generally understood:
Rubbing palms together: anticipation, positive expectation; rubbing faster is more positive
Tubbing thumb against index finger or fingers: financial gain, expectation
Fist pump: victory, win
Fist bump: congratulations, casual greeting
Closed fist, middle finger extended: f*ck you, up yours
Closed fist, index and middle fingers extended: peace, accent for photos
Thumb to nose, fingers waggling: mocking, distain
Thumbs to ears, tongue sticking out: a childish gesture of disdain or insult
Hand over heart: sincerity, believe me
Right hand raised, elbow bent: believe me, I swear; stop
Clenched fist: anger, irritation, or tension
Crooking the index finger: come here, sometimes used flirtatiously
Hand slang often changes in meaning over time, even within the same culture:
Historically, thumbs down means death; now, disapproval or disagreement
Thumb up: historically, let the combatant live; now, okay, good job
Index finger curled to touch the thumb: historically, this meant “okay”; recently, this gesture has become a symbol that the wielder is a white supremacist.
Writers note: The same gesture often has different meanings in different cultures. Use the confusion your advantage when there is a cross-cultural element to your story. Touching the index finger to the thumb means different things all over the world:
You’re a zero – France and Belgium
Money – Japan
@sshole – southern Italy
Sexual invitation – Greece and Turkey
President Nixon caused a scandal in Brazil when he deplaned with both hands overhead in the American peace sign, which in Brazil is equivalent to flipping someone the bird.
Gendered Gestures
By middle school/early adolescence, gender differences in the use of gestures emerge. Some gestures are used equally by both males and females.
Thumbs protruding from pockets: dominance and self-assuredness
Gesturing/pointing to someone with the thumb: dismissive, disrespectful, ridiculing
Women more likely to use this gesture with people they dislike
Males
Give “the finger”
Give the finger with an upward arm more to convey “up yours”
Pound the table
Pound a fist into the opposite hand
Display clenched fists
Use expansive, powerful hand movements
Use adaptors less frequently (see below)
Holding jacket lapel with thumbs exposed: dominant and self-assuredness
Females
Put their hands in their laps or on their hips
Tap their hands on the table or on their leg
Pull in their gestures as if their elbows are attached to their waists
Use more “bonding” gestures, such as hands and arms outstretched toward another person
Be more expressive, more animated in their use of gestures
Use low steepled finger position (see below)
Place one hand over the other and rest her chin on top, drawing attention to the face
Writers portraying a person of the other sex heed this: getting body language wrong—in this case hand talk—makes your character come across as unreal or unbelievable.
Professional Gestures
Several professions require conveying information through hand gestures that fall outside the structure of a formalized language. People in these professions tend to remain cognizant of their hand movements and position even when not working. Some make an effort to minimize or completely still their hands, while others are especially prone to enhance their communication with conscious hand gestures.
Musical conductors often subconsciously cue other speakers even when off the stage. Conductors are trained to use their left and right hands simultaneously to make completely independent movements, signalling the tempo and style with the right hand and controlling musicians’ entrances and overall tone with the left.
Classical dance traditions in India, Bali, Japan, and many other regions include a “vocabulary” of hand signs. These signs are not a formalized language like ASL, but they are used in combination with the music to create a message or tell a story physically embodied by the movements of the entire body.
Romani dancers have a much less formal dance style, and it is common for individual dancers or families to create or adjust their own lexicon of hand movements. These gestures often reflect activities in daily life. Unlike Indian or Balinese dancers, Romani dancers’ footwork and figures tends to be relatively simple.
Ballet, and many offshoot lyrical dance styles, uses hand gestures either to extend the movement of their arms or to communicate story elements via pantomime.
Gestures as Adaptors
Adaptors are almost always learned in childhood, typically involving touching oneself, for the purpose of self-soothing. Often people exhibit only one such behavior/habit, but an individual could have multiples. For example, pulling on an ear, tapping toes, smoothing eyebrows, touching nose or chin, bouncing a knee, twisting fingers, picking at one’s nails, twirling hair, and brushing hair back. Adaptors can include adjusting clothing (e.g., pulling on/straightening a tie), fiddling with jewelry, pocket change, or a pencil, and drumming one’s fingers.
Important things about using/exhibiting adaptors:
They attract attention, detracting from the verbal communication and/or annoying others
They are often interpreted as signs of anxiety
They make the exhibitor less persuasive
Writers note: There are lots of ways to show anxiety or nervousness without telling the reader that is what is being felt.
What the hands say is often louder than words. Research by Joe Navarro’s and others supports this conclusion.
When people hide their hands (for example, under a table or desk) they are perceived as less open and less honest.
How we touch someone reveals how we feel about them: full touch with the palm is warm and affectionate; touching with fingertips shows less affection.
When people feel comfortable and strong, fingers are spread out more, making hands more territorial.
When feeling insecure, people’s fingers are closer, sometimes thumbs tucked into palms.
Steepled fingers: when held high, feeling confident; low steepled fingers signal the person is listening, attending.
When feeling confident, thumbs rise more as the person speaks, especially if fingers are intertwined.
Two gestures express extreme stress: the Teepee Finger rub (palms facing, fingers interlaced and held stiff or rubbed slowly back and forth; and fingers intertwined palms facing up.
When adults’ words don’t match their gestures they are seen as less trustworthy.
Hands clenched together: scared, nervous, or holding back a strong negative emotion.
Position is important: in front of face, on desk or lap, in front of genitals when standing; in general, the higher the clenched fists, the stronger the negative emotion.
Hand behind the back, one hand gripped in the other: superiority and confidence.
Arms back, one hand gripping wrist: holding back frustration, a gesture of self-control.
Get a grip on yourself?—Arms back, one hand gripping the other arm: the higher up the hand grips the opposite arm, the more frustrated or angry the person is likely to be.
Writers be aware: mismatching words and hand movements is a powerful tool.
Pay attention to handshakes. Because a handshake is often the first touch between people, it shapes first impressions.
No one likes vice-like grips, which convey aggressiveness, perhaps an attempt to intimidate or establish dominance.
A limp handshake does not denote femininity, but rather weakness.
Body language experts suggest mirroring the other person’s handshake, with good eye contact.
NB: In some cultures a hug or cheek-kissing might be more in order.
Talking With One’s Hands Isn’t a Bad Thing
An analysis of TED talks found that the most popular speakers used nearly twice as many hand gestures as the least popular speakers.
People who talk with their hands tend to be viewed as warm, agreeable and energetic.
People who use their hands less are seen as logical, cold and analytical.
According to Kinsey Gorman, “Gesturing can help people form clearer thoughts, speak in tighter sentences, and use more declarative language.”
Hand gestures often tell others the strength of our emotions and motivations.
Young children (age 5 or 6) using more hand gestures predicts a strong vocabulary as well ask sills related to sentence structure and storytelling later.
Bottom line for writers: Hand movements and gestures allow you to convey so much information to your readers:
Show not tell emotions and attitudes
Add depth to your character
Add power to your dialogue
Break up big chunks of narrative or dialogue in meaningful ways
All writers should seriously consider including one or more lefties among their cast of characters – think of the possibilities! Let’s begin with ways being left-handed in and of itself creates obstacles for the leftie.
By definition, a left-handed person is in the minority: with no overt effort to control handedness, lefties make up only 10% of the population today (9% of females, 11% of males). There is evidence that 500,000 year ago, neanderthals were characterized by this 90/10 split. Simply living in a right-handed world is a challenge. Consider the number of things that are made to be used right-handed, from scissors to guitars to golf clubs. Yes, special implements are available, but that is just the point—they are “special,” and often more expensive. In some places, and at some times, special accommodations aren’t even available.
Writers Note: Any right-handed implement being used by a leftie could make a nice scene, and the way the leftie copes would clearly illuminate the leftie’s character.
Biases Against Lefties
“Right” phrases for positive things (such as right answer, right-hand man) vs. “left” phrases for things that are clumsy or bad (e.g., two left feet or a left-handed compliment).
Because the left hemisphere of the brain (which controls the right side of the body) is responsible for words, in almost every language the words for the right side of the body are positive and for the left side are negative.
In English, the direction “right” also means correct or proper.
In languages derived from Latin, left also means unlucky; sinister means evil.
In French, gauche means left, awkward, and clumsy; droit(e) means right, straight, as well as law.
In Ghana, a person can’t point with a left hand because the left hand is reserved for dirty things.
In some Islamic cultures, people are said to step into the mosque with the right foot, into the toilet with the left.
Only the right hand can be used for eating in most cultures where eating with bare hands is the norm.
Across cultures, words with more letters on the right side of the keyboard are rated more positively than average; words with more left side letters were rated more negatively. Since 1990, names with more right-side letters are wildly more popular.
Most religions have a strong bias for the right hand, particularly in Christian cultures:
The faithful sit at the Right Hand of God.
Black magic and Satanism are often referred to as the Left-Hand Path.
“And he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats. And he shall set the sheep on his right, but the goats on his left.” Matthew 25: 32–33
When asked to judge two alien creatures side-by-side on the page, right-handers attributed more positive to the one on the right, while lefties were more positive toward the one on the left (attribution of honest, intelligent, attractiveness).
Lefties can learn to behave like right-handed people, and some cultures and periods in history have pushed strongly to suppress left-handedness.
Left-handed children were forced to use their non-dominant hand in school well into the 20th Century in the US.
Writer questions: How does your leftie cope with these biases on a daily basis? What if a leftie from a more accepting culture finds him/ herself in a stricter culture, and had to learn to write right-handed, and not hand anything to someone with the left hand?
Most people have a dominant foot as well as a dominant hand, and they don’t always line up. This can have a huge effect on the performance and injury rates for athletes and dancers.
The Downside of Left-Handedness
Mental illness is more common in left-handed people.
Lefties have a higher risk of psychosis. Lefties make up 20% or more of people diagnosed.
Lefties make up 40% of people diagnosed as schizophrenic.
Scientists have also found an increased risk for autism, ADHD, and dyslexia.
Lefties are more affected by fear, often showing subtle behaviors like people with PTSD.
Lefties are more prone to having negative emotions, such as anger.
Lefties seem to have a harder time processing their feelings.
Lefties report feeling more inhibited, shy, and embarrassed.
For mood disorders, such as depression and bipolar disease, lefties make up 11%, close to their proportion in the general population.
During certain time periods, being left handed was enough to be convicted of witchcraft.
Left-handedness is positively correlated with lower-birth-weight and complications.
40% of children with cerebral palsy were left-handed.
Lefties are more likely to have heart disease and to die earlier as a result.
For women
Left-handedness is associated with a 62% increased risk for Parkinson’s disease.
A higher risk of developing multiple sclerosis.
Lefties have a higher risk of breast cancer, especially in post-menopausal women.
Paraphiliacs (exhibiting atypical sexual interests, typically involving extreme or dangerous activities) have a higher rate of left-handedness.
Greater rates of left-handedness have been documented for pedophiles.
Overall lefties salaries are 10% lower on average than right-handers. (Among the college educated, lefties earned 10-15% more than their right-handed colleagues.)
Writers: choose the psychological or health issue your leftie has(to) overcome.
Several members of the British Royal Family are left-handed.
The Upside of Left-Handedness
Lefties are more likely to develop some measure of dexterity in their non-dominant hand, most likely a result of years using tools designed for righties.
Lefties have a lower rate of arthritis.
Lefties have a lower rate of ulcers.
Lefties are better at divergent thinking, which generating ideas that explores many possible solutions.
Lefties tend to be drawn to careers in the arts, music, sports, and information-technology fields, and are often successful.
A slightly larger proportion of lefties are especially gifted in music and math.
Link from Legend of Zelda Is one of the few canonically left-handed video game characters.
Lefties have an advantage in hand-to-hand combat, analogous to throwing a curveball.
Lefties have an advantage in sports that involve aiming at a target, and are over-represented in baseball, tennis, table tennis, badminton, fencing, cricket, and boxing.
Some cultures have historically accepted or even revered left-handed individuals:
The Incas positively regarded left-handed individuals as people who possessed special spiritual abilities.
In Buddhism, the natural persuasion to use the left hand implied wisdom, according to it’s teachings.
In early Russia, “levsha” (left-hander) became a common noun for a skilled craftsman of status.
Women who hold their infants in their right arm (presumably to leave their left hand free for fine-motor skills) are less likely to suffer from post-partum depression.
Writers: At last! Ways your leftie might thrive.
Also Related to Handedness—or Not
Immune system disorders are not more common for lefties.
The research on handedness and homosexuality is not consistent.
A child’s dominant hand is clear by age 3 or 4.
Genetic males with female gender identities were more than twice as likely to be left handed than the control group
Lefties drink more
But they are no more prone to alcoholism.
How speech is heard:
Right-handed people like rapidly-changing sounds like consonants;
Lefties hear slowly-changing sounds like syllables or intonation better.
People use their non-dominant hand for negative gestures
Handedness is a combination of genetics, biology, and environment; although left-handedness does tend to run in families, but a left-handed identical twin’s twin is right-handed about 30% of the time.
Overall, people gesture more with their dominant hand, especially when saying something positive.
Castles were built with clockwise spiral staircases to provide an advantage to defenders coming down the stairs.
People attack with their dominant hands, defend with the other.
Lefties are biased in favor of candidates on the left side of the ballot. (Everyone is biased in favor of people listed near the top of the ballot.)
Four of the last seven U.S. presidents were left-handed (Obama, Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Ford); earlier, Garfield and Truman were lefties, and maybe Reagan was born a leftie but made into a right-hander. Info isn’t available for earlier presidents due to widespread efforts to suppress left-handedness.
Writers: Some of this info might help your hero/ine leftie in a fight, or it could just make for and interesting behavioral quirk.
Left-handed Chinese fencer Li Na again South Korean Shin A-lam
Not addressed in this blog: There is a lot of research on handedness and brain lateralization which I haven’t touched on. I focused instead on observables and emotions that might be useful to writers.
BOTTOM LINE FOR WRITERS: a left-handed character could be a gold mine. Start prospecting!
AND LEFTIES HAVE THEIR OWN DAY: AUGUST 13 IS INTERNATIONAL LEFT-HANDERS DAY. Since 1992, it is a celebration of sinistrality—i.e., left-handedness! Mark your calendar for 2020.
Well… Perhaps not good, but certainly useful for writers!
If you are a writer, you don’t have to be a masochist to appreciate pain. It’s a great tool for plot, tension, and character traits. I won’t bother defining pain. We all know it when we feel it. Instead, I’ll focus on types, implications, and uses.
Three Pain Anomalies
Any of these can twist the action of your story.
Experiencing pain in response to a stimulus that is normally painless (allodynia). It has no protective biological function.
Feeling pain in a part of the body that has been amputated (phantom pain). Actually not so anomalous: it’s experienced by 82%of upper limb and 54% of lower limb amputees.
Insensitivity to pain stimuli (asymbolia). Indifference to pain present from birth. These people don’t avoid situations/activities that cause pain and bodily damage. Some die before adulthood, all have a reduced life expectancy.
Behavioral deficits caused by being in pain: attention/focus, working memory, mental flexibility, problem solving, and information processing speed
Use the deficits to ramp up the tension when your hero/ine is trying to achieve a goal
Use success in spite of these deficits to make your character come across as stronger, more resourceful, more reliable
Intensified negative emotions of depression, anxiety, fear, and anger, when in pain
Use any of these to create tension between characters
Use any of these as challenges for the hero/ine to overcome and remain functional
Following an acute pain episode, people reported feeling better than people who hadn’t been in pain. It feels so good when it stops?
Medieval Torture
Chronic pain is associated with several long-term negative side effects:
Weight gain or loss associated with medications (steroids, nerve pain drugs, opioids) and decreased exercise and activity
Unpredictable mood swings and increases in scores on tests of hysteria, depression, and hypochondriasis
Decrease in patience
Grief for the person s/he once was
Lifestyle changes:
Unable to work or provide for family
Need help to function (get dressed, bathe, eat)
Loss of prior skill (e.g., can’t play the harp any more)
Skin, hair and nails can take a beating: increased sensitivity, intermittent spots on face, hair loss
Intimacy often suffers:
Sex may be painful
Ill person may be less energized in finding what works and adapting
Financial hardship adds to stress, which makes things worth; money goes to medications, lotions and potions, treatments, travel to and from appointments
How to Show Pain When the Character Isn’t Telling
Sometimes, people/characters try to hide their pain. Other times, s/he isn’t able to communicate it. Using these behaviors, you can let the reader or another character know the person is in pain.
Facial grimacing
Guarding (trying to protect a body part from being bumped or touched)
Increase in vocalizations such as sighs or moans
Changing routines
Decreased range of motion
Appearing withdrawn, anxious, depressed, or fearful
Decrease in social activities
Decreased appetite
Increases in confusion or display of aggression or agitation
Decline in self-care
Side effects from hidden medication
Over-the-counter pain medication often causes stomach irritation and nausea; people taking these medications may uncharacteristically refuse alcohol
Prescription pain medication, even when taken responsibly, often cause random itching, slowed breathing, constipation, and nausea; drowsiness and confused thinking (agitation, euphoria, etc.) are probably the most noticeable side effects
Why Would Someone Want to Hide Pain?
Don’t want to look weak
Showing pain is impolite
Showing pain is shameful
Pain is seen as a deserved punishment
Pain was self-inflicted as a maladaptive coping mechanism
To avoid treatments against one’s religious beliefs
Afraid it means death is near
To avoid treatment that might lead to addiction
Don’t want to admit needing help
To avoid being disqualified from certain careers or activities
To shield another character from the knowledge
Showing pain would lead to more pain being inflicted
Gender and Pain
Socially and culturally, acknowledging pain is more acceptable for women than for me. Women are expected to be emotional, men stoic.
Female pain is often stigmatized, leading to less urgent treatment, longer wait times in emergency rooms, and doubting the accuracy of women’s reports of pain.
Statistically, women are more likely to be prescribed sedatives for pain; men are more likely to be prescribed actual painkillers.
Study shows men more prone to hypersensitivity when exposed to an environment in which they remembered feeling pain.
Beauty Knows No Pain
Many activities require some amount of pain, if only at the beginning. Lifting weights, running, bicycling, and other workout routines can cause severe soreness and muscle aches the first few times a character exercises. What would make a character get up and do it again? Training to compete in a sport is likely to cause some pain as the human body is pushed beyond its previous limit. How much is too much, enough to make a character quit?
Developing the callouses necessary for manual labor, martial arts, playing stringed instruments, some types of dancing, etc. almost always involves blisters and bleeding along the way. Some activities always involve some level of pain, such as dancing en pointe, Tough Mudder runs, or boxing. What might make a character work past the pain to perform any of these? How might characters convince themselves to repeat the necessary movements, knowing how much they will hurt?
Beauty and fashion often come with pain of their own: tattoos, corsets, high heels, neckties, piercings, trendy clothes too hot or too cold for the environment… Why? Consider the different standards of beauty at different time periods or in various cultures; how much pain would a character be willing to undergo to achieve these standards?
Describing Pain More Vividly
Here. It hurts right here.
Be precise about location, intensity, whether it’s continuous or intermittent, whether it’s burning, sharp, deep or superficial, diffuse or focused. In a medical environment, patients are often asked whether their pain is new (acute) or ongoing (chronic). There is a difference between shooting pain and stabbing pain; there is a difference between a stomachache and a pressure ache in the upper, right abdomen. Pain in ligaments, tendons, bones, blood vessels, fasciae, and muscles is dull, aching, poorly-localized. For example, sprains and broken bones are felt as deep pains. Minor wounds and burns are superficial. Is this pain burning, tingling, electrical, stabbing, pins-and-needles? Further examples of pain descriptors can be found here or here.
Give That Baby Sugar?
Fun tidbit: sugar taken by mouth reduces pain in newborns resulting from lancing of the heel, venipuncture, and intramuscular injections. It does not remove pain of circumcision. The reduced pain of injections might last till age 12 months. Mary Poppins was right: a spoonful of sugar really does help the medicine go down!
Bottom line for writers: pain is incredibly useful in numerous ways.
It’s lucky for us that pain is so easily treated! Even for children!
Decades ago, the title of this book first brought that phrase to my awareness. Legally, of course, very married is nonsense—as are a little bit or sort of married. Legally, either you are or you aren’t. Is being married for a long time the equivalent of being very married? Many seem to think so. Marie Hartwell-Walker wrote “How To Beat the Odds: Tips from the Very Married” and featured a single photo of an elderly couple. Her article lists 13 tips from “long-married couples.”
I’ve paraphrased these tips below.
Commit to the commitment, and don’t even consider divorce
Give it all you’ve got, 100% from both partners
Bring a whole person to the marriage, not someone who expects the partner to make him/her whole
Make time for each other
Be a team (in duties, responsibilities, and decisions)
Learn to engage in friendly fighting: stick to the issues, be respectful, no name-calling, etc.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
Do sweat the small stuff if it’s going to fester and grow big
Follow the golden rule
Be each other’s greatest fan, especially in public
Make yourself appealing
Respect each other’s families
Make special days special
Becky Whetstone (15 Things the Very Married Have That You Probably Don’t) makes many of the same points. But she also estimates that 12% or fewer of married couples are truly happy. Although neither of these lists specifically mention politics or religion, the Pew Research Center has data indicating that the former is more important than the latter:
Among those married since 2010, 39% have a spouse who belongs to a different religious group.
However, a 2016 survey found that 77% of both Republicas and Democrats who were married or cohabiting say their partner was in the same party.
Many of these tips, in one form or another, are included in Katherine Willis Pershey’s VeryMarried: FieldNotesonLoveandFidelity. As the title indicates, she highlights another factor often presumed to characterize the very married: sexual fidelity. Many presume—and common sense would tell us—that sexual infidelity will harm a marriage.
Sean Illing’s article “A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together” is an interview with James J. Sexton, author of IfYou’reinMyOffice, It’sAlreadyTooLate. Sexton says couples come to his office for “big reasons like infidelity or financial improprieties.” But he also says that people fall in love quickly but fall out of love slowly, so there are lots of little things that precede the big reasons.
At one point, Sexton says Facebook is an infidelity-generating machine. “It’s a huge factor now, and it’s getting worse every day. I can’t remember the last time I had a case where social media was not either a root cause or implicated in some way.” He says, further, that “…Facebook creates these very plausibly deniable reasons for you to be connecting with people emotionally in ways that are toxic to marriages.” So, he’s affirming that sexual fidelity isn’t the only issue.
Indeed, Jenny Block wrote a whole book praising sexually open marriage. In her opinion, sex isn’t the issue so much as the secrecy and deception that usually accompany a sexual liaison with someone other than the spouse.
That philosophy was shared by a high school friend of mine who, in adulthood, was a sexual free spirit. He was very open with his wife, who gave her permission for him to make booty calls and have f*ck buddies. At one point, she helped him write a personal ad seeking a “girlfriend” and interviewed the candidates with him. They had been married 25 years when he died.
So, sometimes couples set their own rules. Ours is a second marriage both for me and for my husband of many, many years. Before marriage, we agreed to two things: if either of us got sexually or emotionally involved with someone else but it didn’t threaten the marriage, don’t tell; and, if the marriage is threatened, for any reason, we would seek counseling before taking any other action. I realized that I felt very married when I stopped tracking our finances separately, calculating my financial status if the marriage ended.
A different version of very married is presented in COUPLES IN THE EMPTY NEST: VERY SEPARATE MARRIED LIVES (susanorfant.com). The thesis is that empty nesters have three choices: learn how to be a couple again, divorce, or stay married but lead very separate lives in terms of friends, activities, etc.
And speaking of those who are not-so-very-married: Hartwell-Walker (above) reports that 41% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. According to “8 Facts About Love and Marriage in America” (pewresearch.org) although the marriage rate has declined, between 1990 and 2015 the divorce rate among adults ages 50 and older doubled, and among those 65 and older, the divorce rate roughly tripled. Although the Pew report just mentioned found that only 23% of the general population consider legal rights and benefits a very important reason to get married, Sexton (above) emphasizes that marriage is a legal contract, and that few people examine that ahead of time.
I can speak to that. Only after I married in New York State did I learn that my husband had the right of domicile—i.e., determining where we would live. If he wanted to move and I refused, he could divorce me on the grounds of desertion. When I took a job and moved elsewhere, we had a commuter marriage only because he did not divorce me on the grounds of desertion!
Notetowriters: know the rights and responsibilities that are included in the marriage contract, because they vary widely by state.
Despite everyone’s best efforts, life can throw all sorts of obstacles in the way of a lifetime of wedded bliss. If one partner develops Alzheimer’s and forgets the marriage entirely, what is the spouse’s obligation or possible response?
If one partner suffers an accident that makes physical affection impossible, is the spouse entitled to seek affection elsewhere? How can a couple keep their marriage healthy and strong if they are separated through geography, incarceration, military deployment, deportation, or some other element out of their control? After two people have been happily married for decades, is the widow/ widower still committed to the marriage when their spouse dies?
Bottom line for writers: there are many potential elements for being very married, but the one absolute is the commitment to remaining married. Consider all the ways you could show your characters’ strong or weak commitment to a marriage/relationship.
Note: Unless otherwise specified, the photographs below are for illustration purposes only and are not connected to the case studies provided. Examples and links to specific adoption agencies are provided for reference and not as an endorsement or condemnation of any particular agency.
The concept of adoption has a generally positive aura. Indeed, it’s easy to find articles like Why Adopt? 23 Reasons to Adopt a Child (amerianadoptions.com). But frankly my experience of adoptions via family and friends is a mixed bag.
The good news for writers: good, bad, or unclear outcome, adoptions are fertile ground for characters and plots.
When my husband and I married, he was a widower with a three-year-old daughter. I (foolishly) thought that by that marriage, I became his daughter’s mother. Wrong! To be her legal parent, I had to adopt her. We lived in Upstate New York, and at the time a child with a living biological parent could be adopted only if the biological parent gave up his/her parental rights. The upshot was that my hubs signed away his parental rights and then we both adopted her!
This was an incredibly successful adoption. I told my parents, my husband’s parents, AND our daughter’s maternal grandmother that any and all of our children had to be treated equally. We subsequently had two more daughters. Words like step-mother, half-sister, etc., never crossed anyone’s lips—and I don’t think crossed anyone’s mind. When her elementary school class made family trees, hers had three branches: her biological mother, her father, and me.
Writers note: consider such a case that did not go so well.
Case 2 A, B & C: Desire to Help a Friend or Family Member Who Isn’t in a Position to Raise a Child
2A – the biological mother of two children was murdered, and neither of the fathers was known. The maternal grandmother and her husband adopted the grandchildren. Although a financial burden, no one seemed to regret the decision.
2B – the biological parents of the child were drug addicts. The paternal grandmother went to court to get custody and eventually adopted the grandson, who grew up to be an admirable and ambitious young man.
2C – the biological parents were unmarried teenagers, not financially viable, and not psychologically well balanced enough to care for a special needs child. The paternal grandmother first won custody and then adopted her. The adopted daughter struggled through special education classes, therapy, and at age eighteen, vocational training for a sheltered work environment. The child/young adult was a constant and severe stress on the paternal grandmother and her husband’s marriage.
Writers note: consider that a biological father came forward in A; consider how the relationship between the biological parent and the grandparent might evolve in cases B & C.
Case 3 A & B: Desire to Give a Child Born in Another Country a Chance to Thrive
3A – the adoptive father had been a U.S. soldier who served in Viet Nam. He and his wife had three children (sons) but wanted to adopt a Vietnamese orphan. In the event, the Vietnamese orphans were so weak and sickly that the international agencies weren’t placing them. They suggested adopting a Korean orphan, and that is what they did. As adults, the children have good relationships. Although differing in political perspectives, the adoptive parents and daughter are emotionally close.
3B – the parents decided to adopt a child from a country where the majority of the population is of a different race, practices a different religion, and speaks a different language. The boy was four years old when he was adopted. The relationship between the parents and the child never settled into a comfortable family pattern. When he turned eighteen, the adopted child returned to the country of his birth and changed his name back to the one he’d had in the orphanage. The parents have not seen him since and have only occasional online contact.
Case 4 A & B: Desire to Choose the Child’s Gender
4A – a Caucasian couple had two sons. Wishing for a daughter, they conceived several times over the years but all of those pregnancies ended in miscarriages. They chose to adopt a mixed race (Irish and African American) baby daughter. The adoption was simply a part of the family structure. The child and her biological mother saw each other occasionally. The birth mother being known, there was quite a bit of info available about health issues, for example. The adoptive parents made a conscious effort to expose their daughter to African American culture and experiences.
Writers note: count the ways this might go awry as the adopted daughter goes through teenage rebellion, or is the only non-white face at family gatherings. What if one or both sons marry women who are more or less racist?
4B – a couple had two daughters. After eight years of repeated pregnancies and miscarriages, the wife had a medically necessary hysterectomy. The husband wanted a son “to carry on the family name.” They didn’t want to wait two years to adopt an infant and so applied to adopt a ten-year-old boy. A month younger than the elder daughter, he was in the same class in school as the younger daughter because his biological parents had never enrolled him in school. There was a “trial year” before the adoption could be finalized. It quickly became apparent that the boy shared no interests with the husband, nor his need for achievement. The wife resented the burden of a third child while her health was so fragile, and was fearful that the boy would replace the daughters in her husband’s affection. The daughters acted to protect the boy from their mother. The boy’s attitude was “hunker down and get by,” because the home he’d been adopted into was much better than his previous situation. At the end of the year, both the couple and the boy agreed to finalize the adoption. In the meantime, the boy had been in school for a year under his birth name. When the husband asked whether the boy wanted to change his name, the boy said he didn’t care, that he wouldn’t be any more a member of the family one way than the other. His name wasn’t changed.
Writers note: what are the long-term implications???
Case 5 A & B: Due to Infertility or Other Reasons, a Parent Cannot Have a Biological Child
5A – After several years of marriage and extensive fertility treatments, a couple was unable to conceive. They decided to adopt. The adoption wasn’t easy because of the adoptive parents’ ages. They decided to adopt a brother and a sister together, although they’d been told that the children were developmentally behind their ages. The adoptive mother was a psychologist and attributed that developmental lag to their early lives. As the children grew, the boy appeared to be average or a little below in intelligence. The girl suffered microcephaly. The marriage failed. The children remained with the adoptive mother. As the boy developed, she couldn’t handle him and ended up paying a lot of money to enroll him in a military school. As the girl grew, she became ever more aggressive and defiant and was expelled from school. The mother tried therapy, including residential therapy. The girl was living in a residential facility and was on her way to see a psychiatrist (as she had requested), when she said she didn’t want to go to that hospital, jumped from the back of the van, broke her neck and died immediately. The boy married and had a child and had a relationship better than ever with the adoptive mother.
5B – the adoptive mother was a single woman who wanted a child but had no desire to give birth or to involve an unnecessary man. She adopted an infant from South America and raised the girl to be Catholic, fluent in Spanish, and knowledgeable of her native country’s history and culture, in accordance with the biological mother’s wishes. The girl grew up surrounded and supported by her adopted mother’s parents and siblings. She did well at home and in school until about halfway through high school. Then, she got involved with drugs, was in and out of abusive relationships, had three children by unknown fathers, and is now serving time while her adoptive mother has custody of the children.
Writers note: where/how might these events have developed differently?
These two will be treated together because they are related. The women are sisters, the twelfth and thirteenth children in the family. They were exceptionally close growing up. For unknown reasons, neither had a child and they and their husbands each adopted a son. The older sister’s adoption was a great success. The son thrived, both academically and professionally, married and had a daughter they named after his adoptive mother. The younger sister’s adopted son was a ne’er-do-well. He was sporadically employed, had many brushes with the law, driver’s license revoked, time in jail, drank heavily, tapped his mother for financial support, and in the view of the extended family, exploited her financially to her detriment. She never rejected him. And that was a source of tension and distance between the formerly close sisters.
Writers note: fertile ground here! Throw in Parkinson’s or some equally debilitating disease? Why not have children of their own, when all their older sisters had done so?
The actual process of adoption varies widely among agencies and countries. However, there are some fairly consistent requirements:
The adoptive parent(s) must demonstrate financial stability, a permanent home, psychological maturity, etc.
If the adopting parents are married, there is usually a minimum amount of time they must have been married before being allowed to adopt.
If there are other children in the home, there is sometimes a requirement that a minimum number of years separate the biological children from the adopted children.
Many adoption agencies recommend not adopting a child who is older than the oldest biological child so that birth order is not disrupted.
The youngest child in the home is often required to be at least two or three years old before the adopted child will be placed.
Parent(s) must be at least eighteen years older than the adopted child.
Most adoption agencies perform home visits and individual interviews with each member of the family. Some require character references from friends or employers.
Because of the different needs of adopted children, especially older adopted children, many agencies require prospective adoptive families to attend training seminars.
Guides for raising adopted children and helping them adjust can be also be found online.
Summary: in my experience, adoption typically isn’t about helping a mother who (for whatever reason) must give up a child. Nor is it about giving a loving home to a child (stranger) who needs it. As a writer, consider the motives of the the adult(s) seeking to adopt. And consider all the ways those motives might be frustrated.
How much thought have you given to your characters’ feet? And shoes? Feet and shoes tend to go together, and both can be valuable as character details, plot devices, and sources of conflict. But let’s start with the basics. Are bare feet good or bad? Yes!
Health Concerns
The Upside of Bare Feet:
Uninhibited flexibility, greater strength, and mobility of the foot.
Some research suggests that walking and running barefoot results in a more natural gait, allowing for a more rocking motion of the foot, eliminating hard heel strikes, generating less collision force in the foot and lower leg.
Many sports require going barefoot: gymnastics, martial arts, beach volleyball, and tug of war. Rugby in South Africa is always played barefoot at the primary school level. Other sports have barefoot versions: running, hiking, and water skiing.
People who don’t wear shoes have a more natural toe position, not squished together.
The Downside of Bare Feet:
Hallux valgus, bunion
Losing protection from cuts, abrasions, bruises, hard surfaces, and extremes of heat or cold.
Constantly being barefoot increases likelihood of flat feet, bunions, and hammer toe.
Because feet are so sensitive, toe locks and striking the bottoms of the feet are often used as punishment.
Climate and Weather:
With no environmental need for shoes, Egyptians, Hindus, Greeks, and various African nations have historically gone barefoot.
Even when it isn’t necessary, people in such climates often wear ornamental footwear for special occasions.
General Symbolism
Baring one’s feet shows humility and subjugation.
Going barefoot symbolizes innocence, childhood, and freedom from constraints .
Bare feet are often a sign of poverty.
The assumption of ignorance and poor hygiene often accompanies the poverty of bare feet.
From Roman times on, footwear signaled wealth, power and status in most of Europe and North Africa.Shoes that are impractical or inhibit movement often signal enhanced status, such as Italian chopines, Chinese “Golden Lotus” bound feet, armored German sabatons, Polish crakows, and everything worn by Victoria Beckham.
Forbidding shoes marks the barefoot person as a slave or prisoner under the control of others. Keeping prisoners barefoot is common in China, Zimbabwe, Thailand, Uganda, Iran, Pakistan, India, Congo, Malawi, Rwanda, Ivory Coast, and North Korea.
Some religious sects take a vow of poverty, including obligatory bare feet.
Many Buddhists go barefoot as a reminder to be concerned for Mother Nature, to lead people in the path of virtue, and to develop the Buddhist spirit.
Roman Catholics show respect and humility before the Pope by kissing his feet.
In Judaism and some Christian denominations it is customary to go barefoot while mourning.
Anyone entering a mosque or a Hindu temple is expected to remove his or her shoes. Stealing shoes from such a place is often considered a desecration.
Hindus show love and respect to a guru by touching his bare feet.
Lord Vishnu’s feet are believed to contain symbols such as conch, fish, and disc.
In many spiritual traditions, body and soul are connected by the soles of the feet.
Europe:
Wearing shoes indoors is often considered rude or unhygienic in Austria, UK, Ireland, Netherlands, and Belgium.
In Italy, France, Spain, and Portugal, wearing shoes indoors is expected.
Asian Countries:
Showing the soles of the feet is seen as an insult because the feet are seen as unclean (“You are lower than the soles of my feet”).
Shoes are seen as dirty and so are removed before entering a mosque, temple, or house.
China:
Take your shoes off when entering a house.
The practice of foot-binding began in the 10th century as a sign of wealth and beauty. It was outlawed by Empress Dowager Cixi in 1902 (though this was largely ignored) and successfully outlawed by Sun Yat-Sen in 1912.
Japan:
Never cross your feet in Japan.
Students take off their street shoes when entering school and wear uwabaki, soft-soled clean shoes, to the classroom. Street shoes are stored in special lockers by the school entrance.
Thailand:
A prisoner must be barefoot in court during penal proceedings.
Because the feet are the lowest part of the body, they are considered filthy.
Showing the soles of your feet is extremely rude, a big taboo at any time.
Remove your shoes before entering a school, temple, or home.
In some houses or schools, inside slippers (never worn outside) are allowed.
India:
Shoes are considered impure, so it is customary to remove footwear when entering a home or a temple.
Charanasparsha is a very common gesture of respect and subservience made by bowing and touching the feet of the (always superior in age and position) person being honored.
Australia:
It’s common for people, particularly young people, to go barefoot in public. In some regions, students attend school barefoot.
New Zealand:
Many people, of all races and cases, conduct daily business barefoot.
Barefoot is more common in rural areas and some seasons.
South Africa:
Walking barefoot in public is common among all ethnic groups, in rural and urban areas.
Barefoot people are common in public, shopping malls, stores, and events.
Canada:
I assume everyone in Canada wears these all the time.
Take off shoes when entering a home.
Elementary schools require students to have indoor shoes and provide a place to store outdoor footwear. Outdoor shoes are worn in high schools.
Some medical facilities require patients to remove shoes for reasons of cleanliness.
Office workers usually wear indoor shoes in winter, outdoor shoes in summer.
United Kingdom:
Mostly in rural areas, children and teenagers are accepted.
Some schools encourage barefoot participation in indoor and outdoor physical education.
The National Health Service encourages people to go barefoot or wear open-toed sandals in hot weather to avoid sweaty, smelly feet.
United States:
Many children in rural areas, and/or those in poverty go barefoot.
More commonly, people wear shoes both outdoors and indoors.
Businesses that don’t prepare or serve food can determine dress codes that prohibit or allow bare feet.
Miscellaneous:
Fairies and magical creatures in several cultures leave no footprints. Checking for footprints is a common method of identifying supernatural creatures and avoiding mischief.
Before a baby learns to walk, stroking the bottom of their foot will cause their toes to curl up. After the baby learns to walk (and for the rest of their pedestrian life), stroking the bottom of their foot will cause their toes to curl down.
Ancient Egyptian believed that stepping forward with the left foot trod out evil so the heart could proceed.
The foot chakra is one of the most important, as it helps pass the Divine Energy to Mother Earth, making powerful grounding .
Having a foot fetish or kink means being sexually aroused by feet or certain parts thereof, such as toes, arches, ankles, etc.
Bottom line for writers: What are your characters’ attitudes and behaviors regarding feet and shoes? And why?
The first known pre-printed Christmas card was published in London in 1843, for Sir Henry Cole to send to family and friends.
We in the U.S. are highly aware of greeting cards at this time of year—both the receiving and the sending. Dunbar and Hill (2003) conducted a study on social networks by studying Christmas card lists. They found that each household receives about 150 Christmas Cards, and sends an average of about 68 cards. Clearly, people are receiving more than they give! (Don’t ask me to explain how those numbers work.) The study did not include cards for Hanukkah, Solstice, Yule, Kwanzaa, and New Years, but all of these together make for a very busy Postal Service throughout December.
Since holiday-specific greeting cards are so widespread in the US at the moment, it’s worth taking a moment to think of how they might feature in your writing. If you’re already sick of holiday cheer, just wait for St. Valentine’s Day to be shoved down your throat!
Motivation Behind Christmas Cards
According to my reading, Sir Henry Cole (see above) resorted to creating Christmas Cards because he had too many friends to write individual notes. I venture to assert that the time crunch is still a major factor in sending a greeting card rather than a letter. But that leaves open the question of who gets on someone’s card list in the first place. I seem to recall that once upon a time, cards were for people seldom seen—and thus unavailable to greet personally. Today?
Family
Friends
Neighbors
Work colleagues
Clients
Church family
Teachers
Students
Doctors/ nurses
Residents of nursing homes or hospitals
Active military
Members of social groups
Those who sent cards last year
That one person you don’t really like but gets a card just so you can use up the last of the 12-pack of cards you bought
This increasingly vague list leaves plenty of room for confusion and accidentally hurt feelings. Consider someone who sends a card but doesn’t receive one in return. Consider a child arguing with a parent over whether online cards are a suitable replacement for paper cards. If you really want to jerk some tears, consider an elderly character sending out cards to peers and seeing the list shrink a little more every year.
What Type of Card?
There is a huge variety of cards available, and the type of card sent could reveal as much about a character as the people they send those cards to. Religious ones, humorous ones, nature scenes, musical ones, pop-up ones. The first personalized Christmas card was sent in 1891 by Annie Oakley. She was doing sharp-shooter exhibitions in Scotland and sent cards back to friends and family in the U.S. featuring her picture—wearing tartan!
Should a character send a generic card with vaguely wintry scenes and vague wishes for general well-being? What about a character sending explicitly religious cards to recipients of a different faith or no faith at all? Why would a character choose to make dozens of cards by hand rather than grabbing a box off the drugstore shelf? Some families include newsletters with the card, letting friends and families know what they’ve been doing since last year’s holiday card. Why would a character send newsletters or photo collage cards?
Meaning of Holiday Cards for the Recipient
When I was growing up, my mother, aunts, etc., knew exactly how many cards they received and how many they sent—sort of like being able to cite how many trick-or-treaters came by on Halloween. Christmas cards were typically displayed on stair banisters, windowsills, archways, mantels, etc.
Could receiving holiday cards be a bad or unpleasant experience? What about a character receiving a card from someone they dislike? How about siblings or friends who see messages of boasting and rivalry in personalized cards? What might a character think after sending out dozens of cards and receiving none in return? How would someone who hates the entire holiday season react to all those reminders in the mail?
According to anthropologists, the number of holiday cards you receive reflects how many people care about you. That’s the premise of a 2003 study of social network size carried out by evolutionary anthropologists Robin Hill of the University of Durham and Robin Dunbar of Oxford and published in the journal Human Nature. “In Western societies…the exchange of Christmas cards represents the one time of year when individuals make an effort to contact all those individuals within their social network whose relationships they value.”
Maybe I’m just being defensive, but I refuse to measure my circle of caring family and friends by the handful of seasonal greetings I receive. Just saying.
Holiday Cards are Big Business
Getting a definite count is tricky, depending on the year and what cards are included in the count. For example, one study asserted that 6.5 billion greeting cards are bought each year, at a total cost of more than U.S. $7 billion. On the other hand, sales of holiday cards in the U.S. dropped from 1.8 billion in 2009 to 1.5 billion in 2011. Christmas Cards account for 61% of seasonal greeting card sales, followed by St. Valentine’s Day at a distant second of 25%.
And that doesn’t even include the USPS revenue! Imagine what a postal worker, especially a letter carrier, thinks about all that extra volume moving around the country. Both of the holidays most frequently celebrated with extra paper and postage happen during some of the most unpleasant weather. Do the holiday bonuses outweigh the extra weight in the satchel?
2019 UNICEF cards
And FYI: only 15% of cards are bought by men. Millions of dollars are raised for charities by Christmas Cards each year. For example, UNICEF launched their charity Christmas card program in 1949. Schools, research institutions, hospitals, food banks, and lots of other community organizations raise funds by selling holiday cards.
Some organizations also send cards to donors to encourage continued support the following year. Does it really count as a holiday greeting if it’s a reminder to send a check?
Well, I seem to have been caught up in a seasonal issue. But bottom line for writers: what are your character’s attitudes and behaviors regarding holiday greeting cards? Any phenomenon as ubiquitous as this can contribute to your characters and/or plots.
Every year has at least one Friday the 13th, but more often two or three. The longest possible interval between Friday the 13ths is fourteen months, the shortest is one month. Today is the second in 2019. Interestingly, the 13th of any month is slightly more likely to fall on a Friday than on other days of the week.
Superstitions about Fridays and 13s emerged centuries ago, certainly by the Middle Ages, maybe even in Biblical times. The Biblical connection is the belief that there were 13 people present at the Last Supper. According to the Hebrew calendar Passover began on the 14 of the month of Nisan that year, meaning the seder (the Last Supper in Christianity) was held on the 13 of Nisan; Jesus was crucified the next day, which was a Friday. Since then, bad things that happen on Friday the 13th have garnered particular attention.
Philip IV of France arrested hundreds of the Knights Templar (1307)
1 in 6 believe those days pose the greatest risk of bad luck striking.
22% worry what might befall them on these days.
In the U.S., 25% are superstitious, with younger people being more so than older people.
According to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, NC, 17 to 21 million people in the. U.S fear this day.
The Finnish Ministry of Social Affairs and Health has held kansallinen tapaturmapäivä (Accident Awareness Day) on Friday the 13th every year since 1995. Public awareness campaigns encourage people to pay more attention to their surroundings and fix potential hazards around the home, workplace, and on the road.
The fear of Friday the 13th is paraskevidekatriaphobia. The word was coined by Dr. Donald Dossey who told his patients that “when you learn to pronounce it, you’re cured!” Of course, people are superstitious about many things. Suffice it to say, any of the bad happenings are worse on Friday the 13th.
Walking under a ladder
Breaking a mirror
Having a black cat cross your path
Spilling salt
Opening an umbrella inside the house
Stepping on cracks
Lighting three cigarettes with one match
Leaving a white tablecloth on a table overnight
Superstitions about Fridays and about the number 13 long preceded the connection of the two, which dates from about 1869. Fear of the number 13 is “triskaidekaphobia.” The ancient Code of Hammurabi omitted a 13th law from its list of legal rules. Many hotels have no floor labeled 13, ditto seat rows in airplanes.
In Hispanic and Greek cultures, the bad luck day is Tuesday the 13th. On the other hand, in Italy the bad luck day is Friday the 17th.
My relatives sometimes said, “If I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all!” Not that that’s particularly relevant, but it’s been running through my thoughts as I wrote this blog.
Bottom line for writers: create your own Friday the 13th disaster, or a character who is irrationally fearful of Fridays, 13s, and Friday the 13ths.
Today’s blog entry was written by Kathleen Corcoran, a local harpist, teacher, writer, editor, favorite auntie, and frequent consumer of baby noses, bellies, fingers, and toes.
Amid the recent discussions on this blog of ways to dispose of a human corpse, both legal and not-quite-so-legal, one rather significant possibility has been left out: chow down! The technical term for eating humans is anthropophagy. I’ve heard that livers, in particular, are quite tasty when served with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Warning: The images originally associated with this blog were disturbingly graphic and so have been replaced with pictures of babies eating toes and eating baby toes. Mostly.
Warning: The embedded links provided in this article may include details that will turn you vegetarian. Follow links at your own discretion.
Don’t Do It!
Cannibalism would fall under the category of illegal methods of body disposal. Even when eating someone doesn’t require killing them first, the act itself is usually covered under laws against corpse desecration or disturbing the dead. Multiple justice systems have recently had cause to issue rulings on the subject.
German courts declared that Armin Meiwes was guilty of manslaughter for killing and eating Bernd Jürgen Armando Brandes in 2001. Because of video evidence that Brandes had volunteered and willingly consented, Meiwes was sentenced to only eight years in prison.
Public outcry and a legal appeal caused the court to retry Meiwes in 2006, at which time he was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole.
Detlev Guenzel was convicted of a very similar crime in 2015, also in Germany. He met Wojciech Stempniewicz in a cannibal chatroom, they discovered their shared interest, and Stempniewicz met Guenzel in Hartmannsdorf-Reichenau for the express purpose of being killed and eaten.
Arif Ali and Farman Ali were arrested in 2011 for eating a human corpse dug up from a nearby graveyard in Pakistan. Shortly after being released from prison in 2014, the two were arrested again for digging up a corpse and making curry.
During the Holodomor Famine in Ukraine in 1931-1932 and the Siege of Leningrad of 1941-944, many people were reported to have turned to cannibalism of the dead in the face of mass starvation. Some are even reported to have cut off and eaten parts of their own bodies to survive. Survivors were afterward charged as criminals and executed or sent to gulags.
In addition to being illegal, eating humans is not actually very healthy. Humans can have all sorts of nasty, wiggly things crawling around in our flesh. Hepatitis, HIV, and The most well-known is the kuru virus, which is found in the human brain and transmitted through consumption.
Human flesh is also comparatively lacking in nutritional value, having far fewer calories per pound of meat than boars or bison. The effort required to subdue and dismember another person for food is enough to make all but the most avid anthropophagist give up and go for the supermarket. Eating already dead corpses carries the risk of catching whatever disease killed them.
If you want to be absolutely sure the meat is safe and no one will object, you could always try munching on yourself (except in Idaho, where consuming human flesh of any kind is illegal). Autocannibalism requires chopping off bits of yourself or possibly sucking out bits off yourself.
Invite friends over for tacos made from your own foot.
If you want to know what people taste like without chopping off your own foot, the taco chef has provided a detailed description.
Everyone Else Does It!
According to anthropologist (not to be confused with anthropophagist) William Arens, rumors of culturally sanctioned cannibalism have been greatly exaggerated. In 1979, he published The Man-Eating Myth, arguing that culturally accepted cannibalism is not nearly as wide-spread now or in history as people assume.
Evidence of whole societies of people eating each other relies heavily on statements from one group telling researchers that those weirdos next door will gnaw your face off. The next-door neighbors killed children and ate them, so they must be invaded. Their armies devoured fallen enemies, so be sure not to lose in battle. With the exception of funerary rituals, documented cases of socially accepted cannibalism are few and far between.
Even the word “cannibal” was created as a form of linguistic propaganda. It comes from Columbus’s misunderstanding of the Carib people’s name for themselves. Columbus reported that the Canibales were rumored to eat human flesh, and the name stuck. When Queen Isabella declared in 1503 that non-cannibalistic tribes could not be enslaved, all those reports of “those guys over the hill who have Soylent Green picnics” became very useful. Suddenly, just about any indigenous population of an area Europeans wanted to colonize was absolutely guaranteed to be cannibals.
Eating the bodies of criminals during a famine is just good resource management. Engraving by Theodor de Bry
The fact that Europeans, up through the early 20th Century, practiced medicinal cannibalism adds a gruesomely hypocritical twist to this bit of etymology. Powdered skulls in your beer cured headaches. Drinking blood would balance your humors. Rubbing human fat on a wound might speed the healing. If you wanted to get fancy, you could even try bloody marmalade made by Franciscan friars. None of this was considered cannibalism, of course. Only uncultured savages and starving people were cannibals. Taking pulverized mummy pills with your morning tea is just following doctors’ orders.
If you want to write about cannibals, make sure you check the facts first. Archaeologists, anthropologists, and historians argue amongst themselves about how common it is or ever was. Hic Dragones, a press and organizer of conferences on “the weird, the dark, and the strange” held a Cannibals Conference Programme in 2015, with presentations from religious scholars, historical dietitians, pathologists, and psychologists. There are a lot of facts, many of them contradicting each other, but cannibals make an excellent addition to murder or horror stories. No holiday is complete without cannibals!
Cannibal Claus is a real movie. This picture was not photoshopped or altered in any way.
