Daughter of Another Mother

My moms have always been such bastions of dignity and deportment.

Today’s blog entry was written by Kathleen Corcoran, a local harpist, writer, editor, ESL teacher, luthier, favorite auntie, cookie maker, canine servant, and fortunate daughter of multiple mothers.

Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday, and she won’t be here to celebrate. Like many people, I was raised by a crowd of mother figures. My siblings and I only called two of them “mom.” One of them died last year.

Mom Cheryl and my biological mom were best friends since before I was born. Though they looked nothing alike, they called each other sister.

If anyone was fool enough to question their biology, my moms would reply, “She looks like momma; I take after daddy.”

They met when Mom Cheryl was directing a summer day program at the playground near my house. Biological Mom was a health and PE teacher at a local girls’ high school. As extremely intelligent, exceptionally tall women more interested in sports than makeup, they sort of inevitably became friends.

One played field hockey and watched football; the other played rugby and watched basketball. Both were the loudest cheerleaders for whatever activity my siblings and I did.

My two moms did everything together. They cooked together, handing spoons and spices back and forth without looking, like relay racers with a baton. They maintained order on a field of fifty excited kids with their finely-tuned gym teacher voices.

They were always together for holidays, birthdays, vacations, and funerals. My biological mother’s extended family eventually included Mom Cheryl automatically when planning weddings or baptisms.

Whenever Mom Cheryl was cooking, we all knew to be careful. Instead of following a recipe, Mom Cheryl added whatever looked good at the time. Her end results were always very tasty, but she liked things hot!

My siblings were not the only beneficiaries of Mom Cheryl’s bottomless well of love. Everyone in the neighborhood knew that “Miz Cheryl” could always help with science homework, jump shots, sewing, giving insulin shots, and haircuts.

It was universally agreed that Miz Cheryl’s hugs were the best hugs.

During a hurricane, she climbed out the window of a flooded bus to rescue a nearby driver. Mom Cheryl pulled the lady out the window of her car and lifted her up into the bus just before the woman’s car was swept away.

One of the things I miss the most about Mom Cheryl is the way we could sit and be quiet together. When a chaotic family dinner or crowded wedding party was too overwhelming, Mom Cheryl would step out for a smoke break. Eventually, I noticed that she never actually lit her cigarettes, just held one in her hand so no one would question her. She was a bad influence: I started joining her to “smoke” when I was about twelve.

But then the whole world stopped making sense and Mom Cheryl was gone. This wonderful lady, this pioneer for women’s sports, this unstoppable Amazon of hugs and quiet spaces won’t be here to celebrate her birthday tomorrow.

Ladybug can have the steak. I’ll have the beer.

When Mom Cheryl died, her dog Ladybug came to live with me. Maybe tomorrow we’ll have a beer and a steak in our absent mom’s memory.

DEAD BUT NOT GONE

Holding onto your loved one after death

Making Death Mask Edit 4
Two men making a death mask, New York, circa 1908. Making_death_mask.jpg: Bain News Servicederivative work: AutoGyro at en.wikipedia [Public domain]
 

In various times, in various places, and for various reasons, people have—and do—cling to the dearly departed. Consider death masks, sarcophagi, grave markers. Or perhaps, more personally, the loved one’s name is carved into a garden bench or painted on a rock. Today, one can get a “Poetree” Cremation Ash Tree, a circular planter containing the deceased ashes that encircles the trunk of a young tree planted in that person’s honor, and fertilizes it. The planter can be inscribed to make a custom cremation cultivation.

 

Perhaps most frequently, people keep tokens of the deceased—something  owned, worn, or loved—a ring, a photo, an antique car, an autographed football, a piece of furniture or art.

 


Quilts made by Elsie Rich
Quilts made by Elsie Rich – Library of Congress

01/01/1996

 

A step beyond keeping a token is repurposing a token. One example would be making a quilt or throw from the dead person’s clothing. Beyond that, a piece of clothing could be framed, used to make a wine cozy, a pillow to hug or a stuffed animal for a grandchild.

 

As cremation becomes more popular, there is a whole industry in cremains urns. Using modern technology and pictures of the deceased, a head sculpture of the deceased can be created as a container for the ashes.

Cylinder Cremation Jewelry
Cylinder Cremation Jewelry from Stardust Memorials

In addition, there is a plethora of small containers for ashes, typically in the form of a gold or sterling pendant. Cremains are relatively voluminous. At least in theory, everyone who wants a bit of ash in a pendant could have it.

Please note: Catholics are forbidden from keeping the ashes of cremated loved ones at home, scattering them, dividing them among family members, or turning them into mementoes—i.e., they must be buried.

Victorian Hair Mourning Jewelry 2
Thayne Tuason [CC BY-SA 4.0]
And that brings us to mementos involving body parts. From the 1850s onward, hair art became popular for those in mourning: by cutting a lock of hair from the loved one after death and weaving it into designs for brooches, rings, watch fobs, bracelets, and necklaces, the bereaved could keep the dead one close.

 

In a more goth period of history, a loved one’s teeth can be turned into jewelry: molar rings, earrings, a necklace with 10 or more teeth on a silver or gold chain—even a denture bangle bracelet.

 

back tattoo

If the loved one had a tattoo, the tattooed skin can be removed and preserved in a frame suitable for display.

 

If actual, unchanged body parts are too ghoulish, consider transformation. Ashes can become many things.

 

Blue Spiral Teardrop Pendant with Infused Cremation Ash
Blue Spiral Teardrop Pendant with Infused Cremation Ash from Spirit Pieces

 

  • consider a titanium band with ashes, $183.20
  • glass cremation necklaces and pendants, $84 and up to a few hundred
  • similar processes can produce paperweights, tree ornaments, and suncatcher spinner, $99 and up
  • a cremation ash painting in which a loved one’s ashes are mixed into the paint for a portrait, landscape, or other painting

 

Diamond created from ashes
Diamond created from ashes by Tomorrows Traditions, photo: Roger Blake (CC BY 2.0)

 

  • several companies specialize in turning a loved one’s ashes into diamonds
  • as with natural diamonds, these can be rings, pendants, earrings, etc.
  • creation time ranges from 35 to 150 days
  • length of process is related to color: brown, red, pink, gray, blue, green, violet, purple, yellow, orange, and clear
  • the longer the creation time, the higher the price
  • price depends on clarity, color, carat weight, and cut
  • price includes making, cutting, and polishing the stone—no setting (which can range from $200 to $2200 and more)
  • so prices could be as low as $300 for a pendant of chips to more than $17,000 for a one carat white stone

 

Relic of Longinus
Relic of St. Longinus, photo: TrappistMonkStuff [CC BY-SA 4.0]
I’ve focused on personal, emotional reasons to hold on to parts of dead loved ones. However, Ward Hazell has identified 10 Reasons for Keeping Human Body Parts After Death. 

10) Relics of Catholic saints. Other religions have preserved Buddha’s tooth and the beard of Muhammad

9) War trophies. The most common one being scalps for Greeks and Native Americans.

8) Decoration. See above. Also bones carved to form ceremonial aprons in Tibet, bone sculptures, etc.

7) Medical science and education. Enough said.

6) Just plain weird. Find out about Jeremy Bentham, who directed his body dissected and the skeleton used to create an auto-icon still held at University College London.

5) To prevent death. In parts of Uganda, the blood and body parts of dead children are used to ward off disease and death and bring prosperity.

4) Made into objects. See above. Also, skulls used as drinking vessels many places.

3) (A kind of) Magic. Juju priests use menstrual blood, hair, nail clippings, body parts, and blood taken from childbirth to create spells which bind believers to the priest and do whatever they are told.

2) As room fittings. The Sedlec Ossuary in the Czech Republic, Our Lady of the Conception of the Capuchins in Rome, the chapel in Czermna, Poland, every inch lined with bones.

1) Proof of kill, often when a warrior was paid according to the number of kills made. For example, Samurai warriors cut off noses and sometimes ears of slain Koreans.

 

Poland - Czermna - Chapel of Skulls - altar with skulls 03
Chapel of Skulls in Czermna, Poland. Photo: Merlin [CC BY 3.0]
A while back I visited Cuzco, Peru. I was fortunate to see a skull altar in a private home. In Cuzco—and perhaps in other parts of Peru—people  take the skull of an ancestor or family member into their homes to keep and to honor. This may come from Inca influences. In any event, this particular ancestor alar was a shelf carved into the stone wall, surrounded by partly burned candles and dried herbs and flowers. People say the skulls are good company—draw love, memory and affection—and are expected to do important things around the house, such as watching over the house and making sure things go well for the family. They protect from thieves and bad energy—and they have a sense of humor.

 

BOTTOM LINE FOR WRITERSDead isn’t necessarily gone. Think outside the casket. 

Mrs. S. Nesselhauf in casket covered with flowers 1915 (3191580392)
Snyder, Frank R. Flickr: Miami U. Libraries – Digital Collections [No restrictions]