SORRY, I CAN’T BE THERE BECAUSE. . .

So sorry I can’t make it. My car is on fire.

Sometimes, we just really don’t want to be there. Work, of course, comes to mind. Classes.  IRS audits. The battle at the end of the world that has been foretold to bring about the fall of Valhalla. Social engagements that seemed innocuous when the invitation was accepted but loom ever more dreadfully as the deadline approaches. (Psychologists call this an approach-avoidance conflict.)

So sorry I can’t make it. My pants are on fire.

On the other hand, announcing one’s intent not to meet an obligation triggers, “Why not?” and, often, hurt feelings and scrambling for an acceptable explanation. Of course, sometimes one scarpers without an announcement, in which case the questions, hurt feelings, and guilty stammering come after the fact. But come they do. It’s socially unacceptable to blow-off a commitment without a “good” reason. Thus, we come to reasons and excuses.

So sorry I can’t make it. My marshmallow is on fire.

What’s the difference between a reason and an excuse? Truth. In fiction, truth is decided by the author; your character might genuinely have something bizarre prevent them from going to work. One study reported that 85% of employees say they are always honest when they call in sick. And 1 in 7 women has lied about a work absence. I have no data on social obligations. 

So sorry I can’t make it. My hair is on fire.

But as a writer, your first decision is whether the character is telling the truth.

Here, for your consideration, are some rather atypical explanations for an absence. Sometimes, the plot might be well served if it’s a reason rather than an excuse!

  • I couldn’t find a clean mask.
  • I couldn’t find my keys.
  • I couldn’t find my front door.
  • My COVID test results aren’t back yet.
So sorry I can’t make it. My pool is on fire.
  • My dog is having a nervous breakdown.
  • My grandmother’s body is being exhumed for a police investigation.
  • My toe is stuck in a faucet and the plumber can’t come till afternoon.
  • The FBI told me to come in for some follow-up questions.
  • I watched “The Hunger Games” and I’m too upset.
  • I read so much I got sick.
  • My hermit crab is moving to a bigger shell, and I promised I’d take her to look at some new places.
So sorry I can’t make it. The baby is on fire.
  • Our toddler learned Krav Maga, and no one is willing to babysit.
  • Our toddler taught Krav Maga to the ferrets.
  • I’m still trying to get the squirrels out of my attic.
  • I’m still trying to get the squirrels out of my hair.
  • I’m suffering from a broken heart.
  • I have to report for jury duty. They’re doing it on Saturdays now.
  • I was dyeing my hair at home, and it came out orange.
  • I was dyeing my hair at home, and it all came out.
  • I have to deliver the nuclear football.
  • My mom says I’m grounded until I pay the mortgage.
So sorry I can’t make it. My castle is on fire.
  • A bird bit me.
  • My fish hasn’t finished her homework, and I think she needs some help with the last few math questions.
  • The sobriety tool wouldn’t allow me to start the car.
  • The cat ate the car keys, and we have to wait for them to pass through.
  • My astrologist warned me not to associate with people of your aura this week.
  • I finally got my hair the way I like it, and now I can’t move for fear of disturbing it.
So sorry I can’t make it. The world is on fire.
  • The veterinary hospital had an emergency, and I had to take my dog in to donate blood.
  • My family in Singapore called about my grandfather and there’s a 12-hour time difference.
  • The rain always makes my arthritis worse.
  • A wizard just showed up and told me I have to go on an epic quest to save the world from certain doom.
  • The pigeons at the park are on a very strict feeding schedule, and they get anxious if I’m late.
  • A tree fell across my driveway and I couldn’t get my car out.
  • I’m still recovering from my last chiropractor appointment.
  • The podiatrist cut out my ingrown toenails and I can’t walk.
So sorry I can’t make it. The world really is on fire.

Bottom line for writers: When your character bugs out, make it work for your story.

So sorry I can’t make it. My dog is on fire.
(No worries! It’s just powder and trick lighting. No dogs were harmed in the making of this blog.)

Why Lie?

everybody lies seth stephens davidowitz
Actually, that’s a dumb question. People (and characters) lie when they want to make others believe something that isn’t true. Behind that generalization there can be all sorts of motives, both benign and malicious.

 

seven little white lies jabari osaze
Benign lies are often called white lies, or little white lies. These are presumably innocuous lies, perhaps to ease a social situation, e.g., “Don’t worry, Marcie, that dress makes you look ten pounds thinner.”

 

liane moriarty big little lies
For writers, benign lies are useful as character notes but also—and perhaps more interestingly—because they often go awry.

 

black lies alessandra torre
If you go by the book titles, lies come in two sizes and two colors: big or little, black or white. But as writers, we all know that lies are much more complex.
 
truths half truths little white lies nick frost
Consider the multiple ways that people can be led to believe something that isn’t true.
 
big fat enormous lie
First, there are lies of commission: the flat-out statement of an untruth. A character directly and intentionally says something that the reader knows or subsequently learns is untrue. “I already walked the dog.” “Jack ate the last cookie.” “I saw Mary with the gun still in her hand.”
kept secret half truth nonfiction
Then there are lies of omission: concealing all or part of the facts. In courtroom parlance, this is known as withholding evidence. The character reveals only as much truth as circumstances compel.
half truth is often a whole lie
One of the most useful ways for creating a wrong belief is what I call lies by false conclusions. These often begin with such phrases as I heard, I read somewhere, everyone’s saying, etc. Then the speaker says something like, “I don’t know if it’s true or not” and then ends by asserting the opening statement as fact. For example, “I was down at the Town Tavern last night and I overheard a guy saying he saw Mary Beth Jones and Joe Smith going into the Cadillac Motel. I don’t know if it’s true or not. But poor Bob Jones has no idea his wife is two-timing him.”
little book big lies tina lifford
Then there are lies by false labeling. An example of this would be referring to a 39-year-old as a “young man” or “my little sister” to create an image of someone more innocent or naive than his or her behavior suggests. Other examples would be calling a drunken soiree a cocktail party, labeling a fender-bender a car crash, etc. In short, it’s choosing language that either minimizes or enhancesan incident or person in order to mislead.

 

katie woo big lie
As a writer, it would serve you well to perfect the art of the lie!