NOW THAT’S INSULTING!

What is insulting varies from person to person. One person’s joke is another person’s wound. And insults vary by subculture. What I’ve collected here are words and phrases from across the web that at least some people consider insulting. I’ve not included insults that seem to be tied to specific subgroups, such as shiksa. There are too many of them and this is just an (extensive) sample. I’m neither condoning nor condemning the use of any of these!

Insults to One’s Intellect or Cognitive Skills

“I’ll explain, and I’ll use small words, so you’ll be sure to understand.” ~Wesley, The Princess Bride (1987)
  • Dumb as a rock/post/bag of turnips/hammers
  • Addleheaded
  • Airhead
  • Bubblehead
  • I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain it to you.
  • Biscuit not done in the middle.
  • One card short of a full deck
  • Not playing with a full deck
  • Not the brightest bulb in the pack.
  • The communication skills of an alarm clock.
  • Bad luck when it comes to thinking.
  • The same sense of direction as Christopher Columbus.
  • If you had another half a brain you’d be a halfwit.
  • Sharp as a [rubber] ball.
  • Stupidity is not a crime. [You’re] free to go.
“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?” ~Wanda, A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
“If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.” ~Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
  • Congratulations on being the top of the bell curve.
  • You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
  • Suffering from delusions of adequacy.
  • The attention span of an ice cream in July.
  • A battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.
  • It appears that your brain cells are not holding hands right now.
  • I smell something burning. Are you trying to think again?
  • Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
  • You changed your mind? Here’s hoping this one works better.
  • It’s great that you don’t let education get in the way of your ignorance.
  • No need to fear success. You have nothing to worry about.
  • If [you] ever had a thought, it would die of loneliness.
  • You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  • Who’s using the family brain cell at the moment?

Insults to One’s Character/Personality

“Why, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.” ~Leia Organa, The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
  • I forgot the world revolves around you. My bad!
  • Nose so high in the air s/he sniffs clouds
  • If her/his lips are moving, s/he is lying.
  • A sharp tongue doesn’t indicate a keen mind.
  • I’d give you a nasty look, but you already have one.
  • f you were a spice, you’d be flour.
  • Useful as a lighthouse in a desert.
  • Useless as the “ueue” in “queue.”
  • Useful as a soup sandwich.
  • Just like a Russian doll—full of yourself.
  • Your face is just fine. It’s your personality that’s the issue.
  • Whatever is eating you must be suffering terribly.
  • All the tact of a bowling ball.
  • Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
  • It’s impossible to underestimate you.
  • You have the rest of your life to be a knucklehead. You can take today off.
“If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then they can sure make something out of you.” ~Muhammad Ali
  • You are proof that the universe has a sense of humor.
  • S/he has no off switch.
  • You should use glue instead of chapstick.
  • Is there an intermission to this drama?
  • Deep as a puddle in a parking lot.
  • A slightly tilted picture frame.
  • You really should come with a warning label.
  • A personality that’s a vibrant shade of beige.
  • As useful/helpful/necessary as a screen door on a submarine.
  • Such a conversation starter. It gets underway as soon as you leave.
  • Two-faced.
  • Crooked as a corkscrew.
  • So crooked he had to be screwed into his grave.
  • Charismatic as a wet sock.
  • Someone who takes more than 15 items through the express lane.
  • Your ambition outweighs your skills.
“You’re somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you’re really thirsty.” ~Nic Cage, Con Air (1997)

Insults to One’s Person

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception!” ~Groucho Marx
  • Looks like the south side of a horse heading north.
  • A nose that could chop wood.
  • If you were fruit you’d be a perfect pear/apple.
  • Not the ugliest wo/man in the world—unless the other one has died
  • I’ve seen salads dressed better than you.
  • You have a face for radio.
  • If my dog was as ugly as you are, I’d shave his butt and walk him backward.
  • Can I have the name of your hair cutter? I need to know where not to go.
  • Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
  • Two left feet.
  • Sweet as rhubarb.
  • Walleyed.
  • Face so ugly s/he should walk backward.
  • Nobody could be as dumb as you look.
  • My life may be a joke, but it’s not as funny as your outfit.

Wishing Someone Ill

  • May your life be as unpleasant as you are.
  • May you live in interesting times.
  • May your cheek always find the hot side of the pillow and the heel of your left sock always slip down inside your shoe.
  • Wishing you all the happiness you deserve—and not one ounce more.
  • May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.
  • May you have a sparsely attended funeral.

Insulting to Men

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork!” ~Mae West
  • Bastard
  • Son-of-a-bitch
  • Thinks with his little head
  • You’re not one of the boys and you never will be
  • Angry white male
  • Mother f***er
  • Beta male
  • You’re just like your father
  • If you walked into a wall with an erection your nose would hit the wall first.
  • Bubba
  • Cock (slang)
  • Company man
  • Buffoon
  • Cuckold
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!” ~French knights, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
“Perhaps I am rather drunk to-night, but I shall be sober to-morrow morning; but you’re a damned fool tonight, and you’ll be a damned fool to-morrow morning.” ~unnamed Parliamentarian, quoted by Augustus Hare
  • Fop
  • Your quiche is terrible!
  • Himbo
  • Dick
  • Incel
  • Master of the unsuccessful comb-over
  • Lothario
  • Lounge lizard
  • You are such a nice guy.
  • MAMIL (middle-aged man in lycra)
  • Manlet
  • Couldn’t get off a rabbit with that little dick.
  • Could wear a women’s bikini bottom, and nobody would look twice.
  • No sports car in the world could compensate for that tiny dick.
  • Need a magnifying glass to see his dick.
  • Does something that small really work?
  • Are you a pedophile? After all, you have a child size penis.
  • Looks like a eunuch.
“You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity.” ~Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story (1995)
  • Do tiny dicks run in the family?
  • Leads with his zipper.
  • He has cotton balls
  • Mansplaining
  • Pantywaist
  • Manspreading
  • Manterrupting
  • Motherfucker
  • Bell end
  • Prick (slang)
  • Reply guy
  • White knight
  • I am searching for the bones of your father but cannot distinguish them from those of a slave. (said by Diogenes to Alexander the Great)

Insulting to Women

“The woman speaks eight languages and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.” ~Dorothy Parker
  • Easy piece
  • Battle-axe (woman)
  • Bimbo
  • Cat lady
  • Cougar (slang)
  • Crone
  • Cunt (in some cultures, such as Australia, this is a common greeting among friends, rather than an insult)
  • Dyke (slang)
  • Fag hag
  • Female hysteria
  • Floozie
  • Gold digger
“You wanna see a bad facelift? Helen Danvers, two o’clock. She looks like she’s re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere.” ~Catherine Frazier, The Women (1939)
  • MRS degree
  • Bitch
  • Castrating bitch
  • Nasty woman
  • Nowhere girls
  • Puck bunny
  • Queen bee (sociology)
  • Radical chic
  • Shrew (stock character)
  • Slut
  • Cock teaser
  • Spinster
  • Suzy Homemaker
  • Termagant
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” ~Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord
  • Trollop
  • Trophy wife
  • Twat
  • Virago
  • WAGs
  • Whore
  • Hoe
  • (Chest) flat as a pancake
  • Thunder thighs
  • Hag
  • Harpy
  • Lesbian until graduation
  • Moll

Generalized Insults

“If you won’t be a good example, then you’ll have to be a horrible warning.” ~Empress Catherine II of Russia
  • You are why the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
  • You’re a nonessential vitamin.
  • I have 90 billion nerves, and you’re on every single one of them.
  • I may not be perfect, but at least I am not you.
  • Yes, sometimes you’re an idiot. But don’t be sorry for who you are!
  • I like you. People say I have no taste, but I like you.
  • I don’t know where you were before we met, but I wish you were still there.
  • I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
  • We were happily married for a month. Too bad it was our 10-year anniversary.
  • I admire the way you try so hard.
  • You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.
  • You should have tried doing it the way I told you to in the the first place.
  • Well, at least you’re good-looking.
  • What the devil kind of knight are you, that can’t slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? (said by the Zaporozhian Cossacks to Sultan Mehmed IV)

Rare and Outdated

From Merriam-Webster:

“That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?” ~William Shakespeare, (Henry IV Part 1 [Act 2, Scene 4])
  • Cockalorum– a boastful and self-important person; a strutting little fellow
  • Snollygoster– an unprincipled but shrewd person
  • Pillock– a very stupid or foolish person
  • Lickspittle– a fawning subordinate; a suck-up
  • Smellfungus– an excessively faultfinding person
  • Ninnyhammer– ninny; simpleton, fool
  • Mumpsimus– a stubborn person who insists on making an error in spite of being shown that it is wrong
  • Milksop– an unmanly man; a mollycoddle (a pampered or effeminate boy or man)
  • Hobbledehoy– an awkward, gawky young man
  • Pettifogger– shyster; a lawyer whose methods are underhanded or disreputable
  • Mooncalf– a foolish or absentminded person
  • Saltimbanco– a mountebank; a person who sells quack medicines from a platform
  • Smell-feast– one given to finding out and getting invited to good feasts

Bottom Line: Tempting as it might be to fling insults around, consider the possible—probable?— escalation. Relationships might suffer irreparable damage.

“I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is.” ~National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

SO RUDE

I think the best of people, always—until proven wrong. Maybe that’s why I believe that virtually all rudeness is unintended. If I’m right, why do so many people, so often, behave rudely?

Rudeness can take many forms. It is generally defined as a display of disrespect, a breaking of social norms or expectations, a breach of etiquette, or ignoring “accepted” behavior. It can also mean someone behaving inconsiderately or aggressively.

People are not always aware of how their words or actions are perceived by others, and they may not intend to be rude.

THE DIMENSIONS OF RUDE

As with any other behavior, there are two dimensions to rudeness: intentional or unintentional, acts of omission and commission. In this blog, I’m dealing with unintentional acts of commission or omission.

By that I mean unintentional rudeness caused by something you did and rudeness resulting from something you failed to do. Either way, you didn’t mean to offend anyone, but offend them you did. It’s the perception of the other person that determines whether a statement or action is rude.

ACTING RUDELY (COMMISSION)

People like to feel that they matter. When they tell a story, or have a conversation, they like to feel that you care about it, and you’re interested in it. Most offense comes when you don’t show interest in their lives, or don’t show interest in what they’re saying.

Some conversation partners make it abundantly clear when they’re not interested.
  • Interrupting in the middle of their stories
  • Showing visible signs of boredom or distraction
  • Abruptly changing the subject
  • Finishing someone else’s story when talking to a third person
  • Making a joke or interjecting your own comments
  • Finishing someone else’s sentences
  • Otherwise drawing attention to yourself and away from the speaker
  • Walking away while the other person is still talking
  • Scanning the room when you are supposed to be listening
  • Checking your cell phone or smart watch (no matter how surreptitious you think you’re being)
  • Actually taking a call when you are supposed to be playing bridge, participating in a book discussion, or whatever

Then there are occasions when you are rude by inattention, like getting into a checkout line without noticing that someone else was in line a step or two back.

Rudeness may be the lesser offense in some situations.

Perhaps you’ve taken a seat where someone else was sitting when that person intended to resume the seat.

Consider a time when you had a cold, allergies, or similar symptoms. You coughed, sneezed, etc. You may have wanted to be friendly by shaking hands when leaving, but offering a germy hand is actually rude.

Avoid Being Rude by Commission

Many people behave these ways. To avoid being seen as rude, at least act like you care. Listen to people. Let them speak. Act like you care about what they’re saying. Give them positive feedback, like a smile, or nodding your head. This may seem fake, but it is social intelligence, which separates popular people from unpopular people. Popular people often understand how to make other people feel good, and most of all, they care enough to do it

RUDE BY OMISSION

Just because you didn’t intend to cause a car accident doesn’t mean you won’t be hit.

Your cell phone rings at an inappropriate time—e.g., during a play, concert, lecture, because you failed to turn it off. You didn’t intend to be disruptive, but unintentional rudeness is still rudeness. And, unfortunately, it is very easy to commit.

Not responding promptly to an e-mail, text, or voice message. This kind of passivity is rude! (Note: promptness is a social construct and can vary widely. See below.)

Not responding/acknowledging what you consider a distant event but others see otherwise. For example, not sending a card (or check) when your sister’s stepdaughter’s stepson graduates from high school.

Not sending holiday greetings.

Not welcoming/admiring someone’s pet or plant, art or outfit, or the arrival of his/her twelfth great-grandchild.

Avoid Being Rude by Omission

It helps to signal that you’re actively listening: make eye contact, ignore distractions, maintain alert posture, keep ears up, wag tail…

The secret to not being rude by omission again lies in making other people feel like they matter. This can often be as simple as paying attention to what others see as important. If a friend mentions their pet lizard frequently, constantly sends photos of their garden, or voices worries about an upcoming medical appointment, they probably see those things as fairly significant. Acknowledging or asking about something subjectively important goes a long way toward establishing yourself as a polite person.

If someone sends you holiday greetings, send a message in response. If someone has done you a favor, thank them. Keep in mind that, if someone has to remind you about a message they sent or question they asked, perhaps they’re sending you a gentle message that they’d prefer more prompt responses from you.

SOURCES OF UNINTENTIONAL RUDENESS

Invading personal space may not be a choice.

Many things beyond our control can cause us to be rude unintentionally.

  • Mental health issues, such as anxiety
  • Substance use/abuse
  • Low self-esteem or insecurity
  • Lack of social skills
  • Being distracted because of:
    • Stress
    • Pressure
    • Frustration
    • Any source of unhappiness
  • Physical limitations such as low-vision or deafness
  • Not considering or understanding the impact of one’s words or behavior, including tone of voice, facial expression, and other such paraverbal “language.”

SUBJECTIVELY UNDERSTOOD RUDENESS

It may be perfectly fine to smoke somewhere else.

There can be cultural differences to consider as well. For example, in Japan, something as seemingly innocent as laughing with your mouth open is a no-no. In many areas of the Middle East, showing someone the soles of your feet is an insult. So, it’s important to be aware of these possibilities, especially if you are in a culturally diverse situation or setting.

And then there are sub-cultural differences. For example, among ladies of a certain age and upbringing, not sending hand-written thank-you notes is rude. But among teens or college students, a text saying “Thanks a bunch” is likely considered acceptable and sufficient.

Other behaviors particularly prone to sub-cultural differences or expectations include:

Sometimes, rudeness is just a matter of translation.
  • Arriving late, and how late
  • Cursing
  • Slurping food
  • Wearing clothes that are inappropriate or offensive
  • Taking a call
  • Expressing religious or political opinions
  • Talking about finances
  • Interrupting
  • Directly criticizing someone else’s appearance
  • Finishing or not finishing food on your plate
  • Accepting or not accepting displays of hospitality
  • Talking about health/illness
  • Smoking
  • Talking about people who aren’t present

The best way to avoid being unintentionally rude is observing the current situation and picking up on social cues.

DEALING WITH RUDE PEOPLE

When trying to decrease rudeness around you, start by being a good role model. Don’t ignore it, because it won’t go away. Deal directly (but privately) with the culprit, perhaps by asking what the person intended; then follow-up with “When you xxx, it makes others feel yyy.”

When in doubt, it’s always best to hire a sky-writer.

Whether to apologize after realizing you’ve been rude is a personal decision. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, the relationship,

  • You can try moving on, ignoring the offense but making efforts not to repeat it.
  • You may need to acknowledge the offense with a simple, “Sorry; I’ll try to do better in the future.”
  • For a more serious offense, you may need to offer a written mea culpa, with or without a peace token.

However, if you’re dealing with petty people, people who take offense just for the sake of being offended, don’t reward that behavior!

HOW TO STOP BEING UNINTENTIONALLY RUDE

Stop hanging out with bad influences.

If you frequently feel you’ve been rude—or people have told you you are—and it is truly unintentional, consider whether there is a pattern to your rudeness.

  • Does it typically happen around particular people or family members?
  • Are particular topics the trigger?
  • Is it job related?
  • Have you had enough sleep?
  • Are you rude when you already feel angry or hungry or irritable?

Finding patterns may help you find a root cause and deal with it.

In addition, my advice would be to be present. Pay attention to people and what they are saying. Look for social or situational cues. Avoid simultaneously trying to solve some other problem on your mind.

Finally, assume other peoples’ rudeness is unintentional and don’t take offense if you can manage that.

INTENTIONAL RUDENESS

Just because it’s funny doesn’t mean it’s not also rude.

This isn’t something I’ve taken up here. But in my opinion, those behaviors might better go by a different name. “Rudeness” can be a way to display power within a family, social or work setting. Or it could be an attempt to get your own way on something. Or maybe you could be trying simply to provoke a reaction.

This is closely related to bullying.

Then there is “mean” behavior which aims to hurt or deprecate someone.

Alternatively, being deliberately offensive can be a way of discouraging future interactions.

Bottom Line: Rudeness is everywhere. In my opinion, it’s usually unintentional. My rule of thumb: If small children do not die, it isn’t really important. Chill.