SO RUDE

I think the best of people, always—until proven wrong. Maybe that’s why I believe that virtually all rudeness is unintended. If I’m right, why do so many people, so often, behave rudely?

Rudeness can take many forms. It is generally defined as a display of disrespect, a breaking of social norms or expectations, a breach of etiquette, or ignoring “accepted” behavior. It can also mean someone behaving inconsiderately or aggressively.

People are not always aware of how their words or actions are perceived by others, and they may not intend to be rude.

THE DIMENSIONS OF RUDE

As with any other behavior, there are two dimensions to rudeness: intentional or unintentional, acts of omission and commission. In this blog, I’m dealing with unintentional acts of commission or omission.

By that I mean unintentional rudeness caused by something you did and rudeness resulting from something you failed to do. Either way, you didn’t mean to offend anyone, but offend them you did. It’s the perception of the other person that determines whether a statement or action is rude.

ACTING RUDELY (COMMISSION)

People like to feel that they matter. When they tell a story, or have a conversation, they like to feel that you care about it, and you’re interested in it. Most offense comes when you don’t show interest in their lives, or don’t show interest in what they’re saying.

Some conversation partners make it abundantly clear when they’re not interested.
  • Interrupting in the middle of their stories
  • Showing visible signs of boredom or distraction
  • Abruptly changing the subject
  • Finishing someone else’s story when talking to a third person
  • Making a joke or interjecting your own comments
  • Finishing someone else’s sentences
  • Otherwise drawing attention to yourself and away from the speaker
  • Walking away while the other person is still talking
  • Scanning the room when you are supposed to be listening
  • Checking your cell phone or smart watch (no matter how surreptitious you think you’re being)
  • Actually taking a call when you are supposed to be playing bridge, participating in a book discussion, or whatever

Then there are occasions when you are rude by inattention, like getting into a checkout line without noticing that someone else was in line a step or two back.

Rudeness may be the lesser offense in some situations.

Perhaps you’ve taken a seat where someone else was sitting when that person intended to resume the seat.

Consider a time when you had a cold, allergies, or similar symptoms. You coughed, sneezed, etc. You may have wanted to be friendly by shaking hands when leaving, but offering a germy hand is actually rude.

Avoid Being Rude by Commission

Many people behave these ways. To avoid being seen as rude, at least act like you care. Listen to people. Let them speak. Act like you care about what they’re saying. Give them positive feedback, like a smile, or nodding your head. This may seem fake, but it is social intelligence, which separates popular people from unpopular people. Popular people often understand how to make other people feel good, and most of all, they care enough to do it

RUDE BY OMISSION

Just because you didn’t intend to cause a car accident doesn’t mean you won’t be hit.

Your cell phone rings at an inappropriate time—e.g., during a play, concert, lecture, because you failed to turn it off. You didn’t intend to be disruptive, but unintentional rudeness is still rudeness. And, unfortunately, it is very easy to commit.

Not responding promptly to an e-mail, text, or voice message. This kind of passivity is rude! (Note: promptness is a social construct and can vary widely. See below.)

Not responding/acknowledging what you consider a distant event but others see otherwise. For example, not sending a card (or check) when your sister’s stepdaughter’s stepson graduates from high school.

Not sending holiday greetings.

Not welcoming/admiring someone’s pet or plant, art or outfit, or the arrival of his/her twelfth great-grandchild.

Avoid Being Rude by Omission

It helps to signal that you’re actively listening: make eye contact, ignore distractions, maintain alert posture, keep ears up, wag tail…

The secret to not being rude by omission again lies in making other people feel like they matter. This can often be as simple as paying attention to what others see as important. If a friend mentions their pet lizard frequently, constantly sends photos of their garden, or voices worries about an upcoming medical appointment, they probably see those things as fairly significant. Acknowledging or asking about something subjectively important goes a long way toward establishing yourself as a polite person.

If someone sends you holiday greetings, send a message in response. If someone has done you a favor, thank them. Keep in mind that, if someone has to remind you about a message they sent or question they asked, perhaps they’re sending you a gentle message that they’d prefer more prompt responses from you.

SOURCES OF UNINTENTIONAL RUDENESS

Invading personal space may not be a choice.

Many things beyond our control can cause us to be rude unintentionally.

  • Mental health issues, such as anxiety
  • Substance use/abuse
  • Low self-esteem or insecurity
  • Lack of social skills
  • Being distracted because of:
    • Stress
    • Pressure
    • Frustration
    • Any source of unhappiness
  • Physical limitations such as low-vision or deafness
  • Not considering or understanding the impact of one’s words or behavior, including tone of voice, facial expression, and other such paraverbal “language.”

SUBJECTIVELY UNDERSTOOD RUDENESS

It may be perfectly fine to smoke somewhere else.

There can be cultural differences to consider as well. For example, in Japan, something as seemingly innocent as laughing with your mouth open is a no-no. In many areas of the Middle East, showing someone the soles of your feet is an insult. So, it’s important to be aware of these possibilities, especially if you are in a culturally diverse situation or setting.

And then there are sub-cultural differences. For example, among ladies of a certain age and upbringing, not sending hand-written thank-you notes is rude. But among teens or college students, a text saying “Thanks a bunch” is likely considered acceptable and sufficient.

Other behaviors particularly prone to sub-cultural differences or expectations include:

Sometimes, rudeness is just a matter of translation.
  • Arriving late, and how late
  • Cursing
  • Slurping food
  • Wearing clothes that are inappropriate or offensive
  • Taking a call
  • Expressing religious or political opinions
  • Talking about finances
  • Interrupting
  • Directly criticizing someone else’s appearance
  • Finishing or not finishing food on your plate
  • Accepting or not accepting displays of hospitality
  • Talking about health/illness
  • Smoking
  • Talking about people who aren’t present

The best way to avoid being unintentionally rude is observing the current situation and picking up on social cues.

DEALING WITH RUDE PEOPLE

When trying to decrease rudeness around you, start by being a good role model. Don’t ignore it, because it won’t go away. Deal directly (but privately) with the culprit, perhaps by asking what the person intended; then follow-up with “When you xxx, it makes others feel yyy.”

When in doubt, it’s always best to hire a sky-writer.

Whether to apologize after realizing you’ve been rude is a personal decision. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, the relationship,

  • You can try moving on, ignoring the offense but making efforts not to repeat it.
  • You may need to acknowledge the offense with a simple, “Sorry; I’ll try to do better in the future.”
  • For a more serious offense, you may need to offer a written mea culpa, with or without a peace token.

However, if you’re dealing with petty people, people who take offense just for the sake of being offended, don’t reward that behavior!

HOW TO STOP BEING UNINTENTIONALLY RUDE

Stop hanging out with bad influences.

If you frequently feel you’ve been rude—or people have told you you are—and it is truly unintentional, consider whether there is a pattern to your rudeness.

  • Does it typically happen around particular people or family members?
  • Are particular topics the trigger?
  • Is it job related?
  • Have you had enough sleep?
  • Are you rude when you already feel angry or hungry or irritable?

Finding patterns may help you find a root cause and deal with it.

In addition, my advice would be to be present. Pay attention to people and what they are saying. Look for social or situational cues. Avoid simultaneously trying to solve some other problem on your mind.

Finally, assume other peoples’ rudeness is unintentional and don’t take offense if you can manage that.

INTENTIONAL RUDENESS

Just because it’s funny doesn’t mean it’s not also rude.

This isn’t something I’ve taken up here. But in my opinion, those behaviors might better go by a different name. “Rudeness” can be a way to display power within a family, social or work setting. Or it could be an attempt to get your own way on something. Or maybe you could be trying simply to provoke a reaction.

This is closely related to bullying.

Then there is “mean” behavior which aims to hurt or deprecate someone.

Alternatively, being deliberately offensive can be a way of discouraging future interactions.

Bottom Line: Rudeness is everywhere. In my opinion, it’s usually unintentional. My rule of thumb: If small children do not die, it isn’t really important. Chill.

WHY?

You and I are perfect, of course—but the people we live with? They drive us nuts all around the house, in ways too numerous to count! And some rooms are more irritating than others. Some say such minor annoyances are the signs of imploding domestic happiness. Others claim habits like these are simply what happens when people become comfortable with each other, possibly even a sign of healthy relationships. Consider the ways irritability might be bad for you. And think about ways these little things can add tension to writing scenes.

Kitchen

~Putting the peanut butter on top of the jelly or the jelly on top of the peanut butter
  • Leaving scraps in the sink, even the side that has the garbage disposal
  • Leaving empty or near-empty cups, mugs, and glasses all around the house instead of taking them to the kitchen
  • Leaving cuttings/crumbs on the counter
  • Using twice as many utensils as necessary
  • Not turning off the stove burners/oven
  • Starting a dish cooking, leaving the room, and letting the food burn
  • Never adding salt and pepper while cooking (or adding far too much)
  • Leaving herbs, spices, and other seasonings on the counter
  • Not wiping up spills
  • Not checking the vegetable drawer for partials before cutting a new pepper, onion, or cuke
  • Leaving partially eaten food out (pizza, sandwich, fruit)

Bathrooms

~Washing dishes in what is clearly the dolls’ bathtub
  • Soaking the bathmat
  • Leaving dirty clothes on the floor
  • Sprinkling the counters with grooming products
  • Not flushing
  • Not replacing a spent toilet paper roll
  • Putting new TP roll on so new sheets come from the back, when everyone knows the new sheets should come over the top. (Or vice versa!)
  • Leaving hair in the washbasin
  • Using your washcloth or towel
  • Running out the hot water
  • Leaving the cap off toothpaste, mouthwash, shampoo, whatever

Bedroom

~Kicking while dreaming of chasing squirrels
  • Restless sleeping or kicking
  • Snoring
  • Using a C-Pap machine
  • Taking too much closet and dresser space
  • Leaving clothes around
  • Hogging the covers
  • Insisting on a night light—or total darkness
  • Needing a noise masking machine
  • Eating in bed
  • Reading in bed
  • Allowing pet on the bed

Living Room/Family Room

~Taking up the whole sofa, even if they’re actually the smallest member of the household
  • Toys/games sprinkled about
  • Putting feet on furniture
  • Cluttering end tables, coffee tables, ottomans…
  • Not using coasters
  • Spilling food and drink on upholstery, carpets, curtains, etc.

Dining Room

~Eating your fingers when you’re just trying to eat your mush
  • Chewing with mouth open
  • Wolfing food or eating absurdly slowly
  • Talking with mouth full
  • Not using a napkin
  • Reaching for things that should be passed
  • Making a mess around the plate/bowl

All Around the House

~Forgetting to pay the gravity bill, leaving everyone to float upside-down
  • Squeezing tubes from the middle (toothpaste, anchovy paste, etc.)
  • Playing TV/radio/etc. too loudly
  • Controlling the TV remote/program
  • Flipping channels on TV or radio
  • Not picking up after her/himself
  • Singing, humming, whistling out of tune
  • Dominating the conversation
  • Interrupting
  • Not saying please or thank you
  • Leaving doors open/unlocked
  • Leaving lights and fans on when leaving a room
  • Not setting the alarm
  • Not watering houseplants 
  • Leaving bird feeders empty
  • Paying bills late
  • Leaving the newspaper a mess

Bottom line: These are just a very few examples of domestic minor annoyances. There are always more, especially when you’re looking for them. Is the irritating behavior really worth the irritation? Or could you make use of it?

THE UPSIDE OF BAD HABITS

I’ve long maintained that people always do things for a reason—or more than one. Even habits are not “just habits.” There are reasons people repeatedly do something—often non-consciously—and this includes bad habits. At this point, most writing on the topic of bad habits would veer off into a discussion of ways to break them. But this blog is about what people get out of their habits that might not be immediately obvious.

bad habit is that action which causes problems for our health, income, career, or relationships.  Something that is bad is unpleasant, harmful, or undesirable.

Note: Some of the behaviors listed here might not be considered bad habits by everyone.  Anything done to excess can become harmful, after all. Drinking too much water can lead to hyponatremia. Spending too much of your time helping others can lead to ignoring self-care.

Here, in no particular order: 

Smoking

“Smoke Like a Captain”
  • Create an image  
    • Sophisticate with a cigarette holder
    • High roller with an expensive cigar
    • Macho man
  • Pausing to think before responding without obviously pausing
  • Get an energy hit
  • Creates situations for social connections that might not otherwise happen
  • Provides a brief break from work or stressful situations

Drinking 

  • Relax in a socially tense situation
  • Create an image of sophistication, wealth, etc., depending on the drink
  • Regularly drinking heavily increases tolerance, making it less likely the drinker will make a drunken misstep
  • Moderate drinking reduces likelihood of a heart attack by about a third
  • Alcoholic beverages are sure to be free of water parasites in places where other beverages are chancy

Negative Thinking

  • When things go bad, “I told you so”
  • When things go well, pleasant surprises

Eating Junk or Fast Food

  • It’s handy, so no effort
  • It’s relatively inexpensive, so easy on the wallet
  • Service is fast, so it’s an efficient choice
  • Higher levels of fat, salt, and sugar provide temporary dopamine surges
  • Can become family ritual, if eaten infrequently
  • Create positive associations with otherwise negative experiences (lollipop at the doctor’s office)

Anger Outbursts

  • Intimidates more timid people
  • Creates the impression of passion or strong feelings
  • Less likely to bottle anger and turn it inward, resulting in ulcers, high blood pressure, etc.

Indulging a Greedy Nature

  • Gets one more of the good stuff (sometimes)
  • Incite envy/ jealousy in others

Telling Lies

  • “Little white lies” ease socially awkward situations
    • E.g., “Of course your new haircut is flattering…”
  • Avoid punishment
  • Shift blame
  • Keep positive secrets, such as a surprise party

Excessive Screen Time

  • Keep up with news and fads
  • Have the topics for conversation 
  • Avoid boredom
  • Improve hand-eye coordination (video games)

Always Criticizing

  • Builds one’s self-esteem by comparison
  • Intimidate potential critics
  • Temporarily look like a subject expert

Nail-Biting

  • Makes paying for manicures unnecessary
  • Shows intense feelings
  • Is less destructive than other bad habits
  • Occupies hands to prevent other, worse habits, such as smoking

Gobbling Food 

Eating quickly is fairly common in some circumstances. Gulping down a meal within a few minutes is a bit less common.

  • Saves time for other things
  • Demonstrates that food is not important
  • Potential future in speed-eating competitions

Not Maintaining Hygiene and Cleanliness

  • Saves time and energy
  • Saves money on grooming products
  • Allows focus on things other than personal appearance

Procrastination

  • You never have to feel like a failure  because “I could have aced it ill I’d spent more time on it”
  • If you procrastinate but succeed or excel anyway, you’ve saved time to do more/other things
  • If a procrastinator is successful, it’s a big boost to one’s self-perceived capability

Keeping Late Hours

  • Fewer people around to interrupt
  • Hours when no one is criticizing what one is doing
  • Easier to conduct a clandestine affair
  • Boosts one’s self-concept as a non-conformist
  • Minimize hours spent with unpleasant spouse or other family
  • Night shift workers are often paid more
  • Facilitates communication with people in other time zones

Swearing

  • Substitutes for more physically violent anger outburst
    • (E.g., throwing things, punching the wall)
  • If conducted at great volume, it’s good for one’s lungs 
  • Can encourage verbal creativity
  • Is typically a sign of honesty

Fidgeting

Tapping toes, drumming fingers, or other incidental movements

  • Relatively safe way to release nervous energy and creativity
  • Makes it easier to maintain weight, heart and lung health
  • Unconscious form of drilling for musicians and dancers

Avoiding Exercise

  • It saves energy
  • It allows more time for other things
  • If conscious decision, can save money on exercise clothes/ equipment/ memberships 

Humming or Talking to Oneself

  • Self-soothing when anxious
  • Clarify thinking when facing a difficult decision
  • Relieves the silence for those living alone
  • May be the only way to have an intelligent conversation

Interrupting

  • Express more of one’s own opinions
  • Stop an opponent from making points
  • Shows enthusiasm for topic
  • Can prevent someone else accidentally divulging sensitive information

BOTTOM LINE: The downsides of bad habits have been well-documented. But everyone gets something out of every act, especially repetitive acts.