CHILDHOOD FRIENDS

A few days ago, I learned from former classmates that my high school sweetheart had died suddenly the day before. I had not seen Bill or heard from him in more than ten years, but I found his obituary online and was immediately swept back in time to my childhood in a small Ohio town, where most of us were classmates and childhood friends from first grade through graduation.

My Childhood Friends

Research has proven the importance of childhood friendships for social and emotional development. But my focus here is more personal, on the importance of childhood friendships for me. I believe these observations hold true for other adults as well. 

My childhood friends and I share a unique history and understanding of each other’s lives. We knew each other’s parents, siblings, activities, achievements, and (sometimes) failures.

In a broader sense, we shared music, movies, TV, major news events, and cultural icons.

These shared experiences bring feelings of familiarity that make so many of us enjoy high school reunions.

Some experiences are shared with only one other. With the death of my high school sweetheart, that reflection of me—that mirror—is gone forever. No one else knew me—or could ever know me—in quite the same way.

Similarly, only one friend was present when I learned to ride horses bareback or tried playing chess and decided it wasn’t for me. The retelling is thin, lacking the intensity, thrill, frustration, and laughter. There’s a reason people say, “You had to be there!”

Sheer proximity guides some of the most intense childhood memories.  Because I was seated behind her in first grade, I may be the only one of our classmates who remembers Mary Jane peeing her pants in first grade. (The teacher, who thought too many kids were requesting bathroom passes, denied her.) 

Friendships require shared interests, activities or tasks—something to bring people together. Bill was a long-distance runner and captain of the track team. I was the statistician for the track team, and we often sat together on the bus to and from away meets. We started going steady and ended up being voted class sweethearts senior year.

By the Numbers

Adults report that, most frequently, their friends are coworkers. Among children most share school, farm chores, sports, music, or other extracurricular activities.  Research indicates that children usually have lots of friends, typically 10 to 20.

Friendships become more selective during adolescence, averaging 5 to10 close friends. In adolescence, friendships become more intimate, with the sharing of personal thoughts and feelings as well as time.

Young adults usually experience a further decline in the number of close friends, averaging around 3 to 5, and are likely to be lasting, meaningful connections.

When childhood friendships last a lifetime, they provide a sense of stability and consistency in one’s life.

Sharon, who was my best friend from first grade until we went to separate colleges, has never lived near me since then. But whenever we manage to visit, it’s like we were never apart: we immediately talk freely about matters of family, health, spouses, or social concerns—i.e., anything and everything. I can always count on her.  And I believe our mutual comfort is rooted in our shared history.

When childhood friends remain close for a lifetime, they are an important source of support and companionship, even in old age. 

Although childhood friendships can last a lifetime for some, others fade due to changing interests, life circumstances, or personal growth.

Some make a distinction between friends of the road and friends of the heart. The former are intense and important until changes like those above separate them. The latter are the ones that last forever, regardless of changes and distance.

Both leave traces in our heats and in our memories.

Bottom Line: Even when they are over, friendships are never completely gone.

FRIENDS OF THE ROAD, FRIENDS OF THE HEART

These phrases are loaded with emotional meaning. Pretty much any English speaker would agree that friends of the heart must be better than friends of the road. I beg to differ.

Just so we’re on the same page:

  • Friends of the Road change as we move along the road of life.
  • Friends of Heart remain close regardless of distance and circumstances.

My basic premise is that they are different but equally necessary.

Friends of the Road

Why do friendships come and go? How does a once-bosom buddy wind up erased from your address book? Is a friendship that fades away necessarily a bad thing?

No. Some friendships are meant to be fleeting. A line from the novel Centennial says it perfectly:

“God, he wished he could ride forever with these men… But it could not be. Trails end, and companies of men fall apart.”
(Photo from the National Archives)

In other words, some friendships are meant to be transitory. Like college roommates coworkers, or people in military boot camp, sharing secrets and experiences, sometimes threats or dangers. When those life times come to a natural end, it’s time to move on.

friends on a bus

Life is rich with friends of the road who join us for a part of our journey, friendships formed due to time, place and circumstance. These brief—i.e., not lifelong—friendships can last for years. They are intense, necessary, and worth treasuring. In that time and place, you can’t survive without them.

Drifting apart from these friends can feel like failure. But a friend of the road is someone who is “walking the same road as you” in one way or several. Examples include neighbors, families from your child’s school, co-workers, etc. You spend a lot of time with them, share great memories, and genuinely enjoy your time with them. But if and when these friends take a different “road,” your time together ends. You lose touch. Your motivation and effort to do what it takes to maintain the relationship drifts off. Often these friends end up as fond memories and social media connections.

Is a friendship that doesn’t survive changed circumstances a “real” friendship? Yes. You genuinely love each other. Not forever is okay.

Friends of the Heart

dog friends

Friends of the heart are the traditional, everlasting ideal.

Please note: every friend of the heart starts as a friend of the road. But when the common road ends, the friendship continues. It makes no difference if you are 10,000 miles apart or haven’t seen one another for years, when you get together, it is as though no time had passed.

A friend of the heart is one who “strikes” you. You connect on a level that has depth. Even if your journeys take different paths, you remain connected. The friends of the heart live in your heart. They have touched your life in such a way that you will be different for having known them.

Lillian Rubin wrote a whole book on friendship (Just Friends: The Role of Friendship in our Lives). She says that the depth of a friendship – how much it means to us – depends, at least in part, upon how many parts of ourselves a friend sees, shares, and validates.

Friends of the road, friends of the heart, friends of the belly…

Friends of the heart are people you meet along the road whose paths end up forever intertwined with yours. They are not your family, but friends you can turn to in a moment’s notice, in joy and in sorrow, in illness or trouble. They see you, know you, and love you just the way you are.

Bottom Line: Make as many friends of the road as possible, enjoy them all, and treasure those friends who step off of the road and into the heart.